Divorce Settlement Preparation

Are you really ready for divorce?

The eight questions you need to ask.

Your marriage is in question and you're facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding should you stay or should you go.

"I feel like I need to get a divorce and end this so-called marriage. Yet how can I be sure? Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others. A part of me still loves him, or at least I care for him. I don't think I am in love with him, but what if I make a mistake? A lot of people will be affected by what I decide. Maybe I should not rush ahead with this. That's amusing since I have been thinking about it for three years. This whole thing wouldn't even be an issue and I could forget about this divorce, if he would just change his behavior."

Or you may be the one who has just heard that your spouse wants a divorce.

"Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago we were talking about a vacation in the mountains. I had no idea our marriage was this awful? I am shocked and devastated. I have got to find a way to put a stop to this. Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal."

Most books and articles on divorce are written based on the assumption that once a couple says they want a divorce that they are ready for divorce. It is our experience as therapists and divorce coaches, who have helped many people through this process that this is in fact not the case. Usually when couples begin the divorce process, either one but more often than not, both, are not really ready for the divorce.

Divorce professionals such as therapists, mediators, and attorneys often believe that statements such as, "I've had it with him." or "My feelings have died for her," are indicators that the marriage is over. Attorneys often equate being hired for their services as an indicator that the couple is ready to divorce. This is not so.

Most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests.

The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make, with consequences that last for years or a lifetime. A decision this important requires much greater attention than it is usually given by both couples and professionals. It is a process in and of itself. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.

The reason many people do not even think about getting ready for a divorce is because they operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation, the better. So there is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. But unfortunately, in most cases, just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts, or options. As a result, they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system, and the many life-changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often, they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.

This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility, vulnerability, or dependency. Whether a couple is starting the divorce process or even just contemplating a divorce, they need to first identify with the following divorce dilemmas.

The Three Divorce Dilemmas

Couples who are facing the possibility of a divorce face one of three dilemmas:

1. I want the divorce, but I am not sure if it is the right decision. Since going through a divorce affects the lives of your children, as well as your lifestyle, economics, and marital investment, the pressure to make the "perfectly correct" decision is enormous. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. The best-case scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based, nor driven by your ego.

2. I do not want the divorce, my spouse does. Being in this reactive place will leave you feeling out of control and a helpless victim. You will experience intense emotional devastation, as your life will be changing before your eyes without you having any say in the outcome. In addressing this dilemma, you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to staying on familiar, safe ground and to a marriage based on illusions. It is not easy to acknowledge and confront the problems in a marriage, when you are feeling so hurt by your partner. 3. I only want this divorce because my marriage is not working. If this is your dilemma, then you will want to avoid responsibility at all costs by seeing your partner to blame for the demise of the marriage. There will be tremendous preoccupation and anger about how your partner caused you to make this decision. The amount of noise generated from this blaming will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness. If this doesn't occur, the divorce proceedings to follow will be riddled with tension and conflict, and a continuation of the blaming.

The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. In the first group, there is a fear of making a mistake and being incorrect, the second will hide from it by denying that there are any problems or admitting their attachment to the familiar, and the third group will fear any accountability and softness. The result in all three circumstances will be dragging, combative, and back-and-forth divorces.

For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically, and emotionally. To do this, each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the eight questions below.

The Eight Questions

1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?

Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship, there is a lack of intimacy and closeness. If this is you, it is best that you work on your relationship prior to deciding to divorce, otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you may find yourself worse off after the divorce than you are now.

Celine had been married for seven years to a man she loved, who she considered to be a real sweet, gentle guy. However, she was very unhappy about their financial arrangement. She was the responsible one who paid all the expenses, while he seemed to be forever getting them further into debt. She was very stressed and miserable and saw divorce as her only way out of the financial strain she was under. But because of her feelings for him, she was not able to support such a decision or even set a clear boundary, for fear of losing the relationship. With the help of her therapist, Celine recognized that she either needed to either set a clear boundary and be willing to lose the relationship, or else accept that all her hassling was a waste of time.

2. Were you ever really married?

To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we." Many people who are considering a divorce have never had a marriage that was anything more than two individuals meeting their own needs. They may have raised children and shared a home, but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position. They would ask -- "Do I want to do this or that", rather than ask "Is this good for us?" If you have not developed a genuine "we" in your relationship, this would be the time to either commit to learning how to do that or to admit that you have never really had a marriage.

Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of 14 years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife. Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week. I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. This pattern remained despite the numerous counseling offices we attended. It was not until I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was neither single nor married, that I was in fact nowhere, did any real change occur. We started the real divorce process two months later.

3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?

Divorce is often threatened, especially in heated marital arguments for the following reasons:

• Out of anger and frustration.
• To gain power and control over the other person, to get them to see things your way.
• To finally be taken seriously that you want real change.
• As a wake-up call that the marriage is faltering.

People who consistently threaten divorce lose credibility with themselves and their partner. If the person is not merely threatening, but is genuinely ready for a divorce, they can sustain the following thought in their own mind, "That I wish to close a chapter of my life, because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship." They will discuss this appropriately with their spouse without any blame.

4. Is this a sincere decision based on self-awareness, or is it an emotionally reactive decision?

To be ready to divorce your partner means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones.

Emotionally charged decisions do not last and, if acted on, do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.

A woman came to see me as her divorce coach after she had been divorced for five years because she was still struggling with the effects of her divorce. Her problem was that she was still feeling rage toward her ex-husband and found her self hating him on a weekly basis. I said to her, "It sounds like you are still married." She insisted that this was incorrect due to the hatred she had for him. I responded that the hate she was experiencing essentially reflected a great passion toward him despite her hateful label, which I doubted any current man could match. I stated that only someone who is married could have such a passion. From that moment on she began to emotionally detach from her ex-husband and work towards, with the help of the coaching, a real divorce.

A statement that would indicate that you are making a sincere, rather than an emotionally reactive, decision is, "I acknowledge that you are a person in your own right with your own personality, hopes and dreams, I can respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you." To be ready for divorce is to have a lower emotional attachment to the person you are separating from; otherwise, the divorce process itself will be roller coaster of intense feelings, including anger, distrust, and hurt.


5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?

Any agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication that you are not ready to divorce. If you are hoping that through the divorce the other person will change and start treating you better, realize how much they have lost or pay for how much they have hurt you, you are getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds. Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.

6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?

Everyone who goes through a divorce is conflicted. People can feel guilty at the same time as they are sure that they want to end the relationship. Or they can feel betrayed and at the same time recognize that their life will be better once they are out of the relationship. Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.

Rick was having the hardest time deciding what to do about his marriage. For the longest time, he claimed that he was confused, conflicted, and torn. He couldn't seem to feel at peace being in the marriage or in leaving. His wife was verbally beating him up over his indecisiveness, often calling him a wimp. As his therapist, I asked to speak to the part of him who wanted out and I told him I didn't want to hear from any other part. He started to speak quite clearly about feeling no passion for his wife, but within a minute he began to hedge this voice with statements like "She is a good mother or she is dependable." Each time he would attempt to dilute in this way, I would have to say that I only wanted to hear from the voice that wants "out." As the wanting "out" voice became more and more expressive, he began to visibly sweat. I asked "What is happening?" Finally, he said, "I am feeling guilty." Where is that coming from?" I asked. He said, "I made a promise that I would never follow the path of my father who left my mother." With this opposing voice sorted out and clarified, he was no longer confused. He was able to see that this old promise to himself was in conflict with his present desire to end his marriage. As he continued to work through those two opposing parts of himself he was finally able to make a decision that he felt at peace with and three months later he began the divorce proceedings.

7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?

Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the "happy family" dream. Hurts , disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage. To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce, it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.

One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives. If you are the one choosing the divorce, you will have to hold on to your decision and the ending of your marriage in the face of all these people and circumstances. If you are the one who does not want the divorce, but your spouse wants to proceed, you will still need to get ready to accept the following consequences of a failed marriage. To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes:

• If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle, or traditions, then you are not ready for divorce;
• If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger, then you are not ready for divorce;
• If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear, and the unknown, then you are not ready for divorce;
• If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then you are not ready for divorce. I recall one woman who was totally bored with her one-dimensional passive husband, and she expressed what seemed like a very strong desire to leave him after 20 years of marriage. Each time she would tell me that she was going to tell him she wanted to separate, she would back off long before she got home. To help her recognize her own struggle, we made a list of the consequences of divorce, and the one thing she said she could never accept was the fact that her kids would hate her for leaving their father. She said she could not risk that, no matter how bored she was. Once she owned that this unpleasant consequence of her divorcing him would be more than she could stand, she was able to think of other ways to resolve the problem of being bored in her marriage. Over time she became more independent and started to travel and develop interests of her own.

8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?

Whether you are the one who wants the divorce or the one who is having to respond to your spouse wanting the divorce both situations have one thing in common, the marriage is ending. How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge, or helplessness, or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect. The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows:

You can make Agreements that:

Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse's rights too

Are only good for you or Are good for everyone

Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs

Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone

Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce

It is our experience that people who prepare themselves by first addressing all eight questions are more likely to have a collaborative divorce. By starting the process in this way, they are much better able to make lasting agreements with each other, resolve their difficulties, and develop parenting plans that both supports the children and respects each other's rights.

Getting Prepared For Temporary Orders

The Courts look to maintain the status quo during the pendency of the temporary orders, especially as to finances.

1. Allocation of Finances During Temporary Orders

While you are in transition and trying to set up two separate households, the court will look to allocate the income and any other resources to keep all of the necessary bills and living expenses paid for both parties. This is usually done by ordering the spouse with the larger earning capacity to pay temporary spousal support while the parties are in transition during the Temporary Orders.

The courts focus on keeping rent, mortgage, and vehicle payments timely paid. Unsecured credit cards or debt are a last priority, and if there is not enough to go around, you may have to stop payments until you get on your feet. In order to salvage your credit, if you are unable to make the regular payments, you may want to contact the credit-card company and make alternate arrangements for payment during this time.

2. Protecting Yourself Financially

If your spouse has had the primary responsibility of handling the financial matters during your marriage, you may be unfamiliar with the general concepts and basic practices of general everyday accounting relative to running your household. Indeed, you may not even have any checking accounts or credit cards in your name only. This is a situation that should be remedied as soon as possible.

If you do not have your own bank account, select a bank with which to do business, and start your own bank account.

It is important that you establish credit in your own name. Your bank officer can be of assistance to you by paving the way for you to obtain a MasterCard or Visa through the bank where you have your newly established accounts. Be sure to make all payments on the date specified. Prompt payments, as well as late payments, will be reflected in your credit report.

If you remove funds which you may have from various community checking accounts and savings accounts, place these funds in a separate account designated as community property funds, but do not spend any of this money unless the judge or your attorney advises you otherwise. The transfer of funds in these circumstances is to prevent the possibility of your spouse "cleaning out the family savings". Even so, you should be very careful not to cut your spouse off from access to funds for living expenses, and you should be careful to leave enough in the account to cover all outstanding checks. We do not advise that you move any funds without first consulting with us.

3. Prepare for Your Financial Future Now

If you are the spouse with the larger income, make plans to support your spouse and children pending the finalization of the divorce. Cut down on unnecessary expense. You must realize that the income that you both lived on before must now support two separate households and therefore, your standard of living will change.

If you have been a stay-at-home parent or spouse, you need to start making arrangements immediately to become employed. Unfortunately, when the case comes to a conclusion you will have to take care of yourself for the most part. Texas has recently allowed alimony under very limited circumstances: In a nutshell, you have to have been married for at least ten years and then you have to prove to the court that you are incapable of making a minimum living. Even if the Court awarded alimony, they could only order it for three years at a maximum amount of $2500.00 per month. In other words, don't count on it.

One of You Will Have to Leave the Home
Rarely will the Court find it appropriate to order the parties to continue to live in the same residence while the divorce is pending. If you plan to leave the home, take as many of the items and personal possessions you will want to have now. Do not clean your spouse out. Be reasonable and fair. If your spouse objects to the items you are taking, leave them there and we will deal with it through the courts. DO NOT CREATE A SCENE.

If you are the party that is going to live in the residence, let your spouse take his or her personal items and any items that he or she may need while the divorce is pending. Be fair-minded, and consider that each of you must establish a new separate household.

Follow the Court's Temporary Orders to the Letter
When a temporary order is entered in your case, follow it to the letter. For example, if you are told to pick up your child at 6:00 p.m. the first Friday of the month this does not mean 5:50 p.m. or 6:15 p.m. If you have any questions concerning the meaning of the Temporary Orders, please contact your lawyer at once. If you are ordered to pay child support, or temporary spousal support, it is essential that you make those payments on the date specified. If your are the party receiving child support or temporary spousal support, notify your lawyer if your spouse falls behind for three weeks or more.

HOW TO FILL OUT YOUR FINANCIAL INFORMATION STATEMENT

In a suit for divorce, or in a petition to modify support, you will be asked to prepare a financial information statement for the court. The following instructions will help you to prepare the income and expense statements following this section.

You will need to estimate averages of some specific items in order to present information to the court. It is best to look over the last six to twelve months and average those amounts so that your figures will be accurate. Items which are easily averaged are utilities, telephone bills, gasoline, oil, groceries, and medical bills.

GUIDE TO THE MONTHLY EXPENSE WORKSHEET

A. RENTAL/MTG/HOUSEHOLD

1. Rent/Mortgage/Insurance/Taxes -- If you pay rent, just list the rent that you are presently paying. A house payment typically includes interest, principal, taxes and insurance. However, if you pay taxes separately, please list that here. -- If you pay rent, just list the rent that you are presently paying. A house payment typically includes interest, principal, taxes and insurance. However, if you pay taxes separately, please list that here.

2. Maintenance, Repairs and Service -- Many times things are overlooked in maintenance and repair which are not listed elsewhere. House repairs and maintenance include plumbing, electrical repair, air-conditioning, heating, appliance repair and service, lighting, exterminator service, pool, hot tub, burglar alarm. Services include yard maintenance, tree service, fertilizing, and spraying. -- Many times things are overlooked in maintenance and repair which are not listed elsewhere. House repairs and maintenance include plumbing, electrical repair, air-conditioning, heating, appliance repair and service, lighting, exterminator service, pool, hot tub, burglar alarm. Services include yard maintenance, tree service, fertilizing, and spraying.

3. Utilities -- Utilities include gas, water, electricity, and trash. Remember that an average of utility costs based upon a six-month average of January through June may be less than the period that includes the hot summer months of July and August. We want to fairly represent to the court what your costs will be. -- Utilities include gas, water, electricity, and trash. Remember that an average of utility costs based upon a six-month average of January through June may be less than the period that includes the hot summer months of July and August. We want to fairly represent to the court what your costs will be.

4. Telephone -- This is for basic service and long distance. Please average these expenses for at least six months, preferably longer. -- This is for basic service and long distance. Please average these expenses for at least six months, preferably longer.

B. AUTO

1. Car payments -- Enter the amount of your car payment per month. -- Enter the amount of your car payment per month.

2. Auto Insurance -- Call your auto insurance agent and ask what your insurance cost is going to be after the divorce. See what your insurance cost is at present so you will know if that expense will increase. If you have minor children who have driver's licenses, then determine what it will cost you to insure them also. Break it down and show insurance for you plus insurance for the children to equal the total insurance on a monthly basis. List the monthly total. -- Call your auto insurance agent and ask what your insurance cost is going to be after the divorce. See what your insurance cost is at present so you will know if that expense will increase. If you have minor children who have driver's licenses, then determine what it will cost you to insure them also. Break it down and show insurance for you plus insurance for the children to equal the total insurance on a monthly basis. List the monthly total.

3. Gasoline and oil -- Try to use one credit card for all of your gasoline and oil so it will be easier to determine what your total costs are each month. List your average monthly cost. -- Try to use one credit card for all of your gasoline and oil so it will be easier to determine what your total costs are each month. List your average monthly cost.

4. Maintenance and Repairs -- You may use the same credit card for this as for gasoline. It will be easy to determine the total costs of repairs only by reviewing the credit card bills and averaging the monthly costs. You may also need to include the cost of registration and inspections. -- You may use the same credit card for this as for gasoline. It will be easy to determine the total costs of repairs only by reviewing the credit card bills and averaging the monthly costs. You may also need to include the cost of registration and inspections.

C. INSURANCE

1. Life -- If you have life insurance premiums taken out of your pay check, account for this here and not in the itemized "Monthly Income Worksheet". (You don't want to double list this item.) If you have a life insurance premium that is not deducted from your pay check, show the monthly cost. -- If you have life insurance premiums taken out of your pay check, account for this here and not in the itemized "Monthly Income Worksheet". (You don't want to double list this item.) If you have a life insurance premium that is not deducted from your pay check, show the monthly cost.

2. Health -- If you have health insurance premiums taken out of your pay check, account for this here and not in the itemized "Monthly Income Worksheet". (You don't want to double list this item.) If you don't have your own health or hospitalization insurance, but coverage is dependent upon your spouse, as long as you are married, find out what separate coverage for yourself will cost. -- If you have health insurance premiums taken out of your pay check, account for this here and not in the itemized "Monthly Income Worksheet". (You don't want to double list this item.) If you don't have your own health or hospitalization insurance, but coverage is dependent upon your spouse, as long as you are married, find out what separate coverage for yourself will cost.

3. Other - If you have other insurance such as disability insurance, liability insurance or insurance on antiques or jewelry, please make a detailed list on a separate sheet and we will include these expenses, if necessary. - If you have other insurance such as disability insurance, liability insurance or insurance on antiques or jewelry, please make a detailed list on a separate sheet and we will include these expenses, if necessary.

D. FOOD/GROCERIES

1. Groceries -- Include all average monthly grocery expense for food and non-food items for each person who will be living in your household during the pendency of the divorce. If before your divorce suit four people's grocery expenses are reflected in your records and during the suit you will be providing food for three people, multiply your pre-divorce grocery expense records by 3/4. -- Include all average monthly grocery expense for food and non-food items for each person who will be living in your household during the pendency of the divorce. If before your divorce suit four people's grocery expenses are reflected in your records and during the suit you will be providing food for three people, multiply your pre-divorce grocery expense records by 3/4.

2. School or Work Lunches -- Include the average monthly cost for each meal eaten outside the home including work lunches. -- Include the average monthly cost for each meal eaten outside the home including work lunches.

E. MEDICAL (Out of Pocket)

This is where you average uncovered doctor, dental, and drug costs including co-payments, and deductibles.

F. EDUCATION

Please include an average of the cost of school supplies, tuition payments, and activity fees.

G. PERSONAL

1. Grooming -- Include monthly average for cut, color or other items you normally do. -- Include monthly average for cut, color or other items you normally do.

2. Clothing -- Include monthly average for yourself and any of your children you regularly buy for. -- Include monthly average for yourself and any of your children you regularly buy for.

3. Cleaning and Laundry -- This primarily refers to dry cleaning. Please include detergent and other incidentals with your average grocery -- This primarily refers to dry cleaning. Please include detergent and other incidentals with your average grocery

4. Uniforms for Work -- If this is taken out of your paycheck, list it here rather than on your income worksheet. -- If this is taken out of your paycheck, list it here rather than on your income worksheet.

H. CHILD CARE

List your average monthly cost for babysitting or daycare so you can work.

I. ENTERTAINMENT

List the average costs of movies, cable or satellite, eating out or other activities.

J. DUES (Union or Professional)

If these are taken out of your paycheck, list it here rather than on your income worksheet

K. OTHER

Include the expenses of the pets, cell phone, credit cards, loan payments or any other items that would otherwise not be accounted for.

Creating a satisfying life

Contrary to what you might believe, personal happiness is not dependent on life dealing you a good hand. How you respond to what comes your way will largely determine whether your life is fulfilling or not; here's how to move from dissatisfaction to real satisfaction.

The breakdown of a marriage is one of the most traumatic things that can happen in your life. Divorce can cause profound feelings of loss, failure, regret, abandonment, emptiness, fear of the future, and/or powerlessness -- especially if you didn't initiate the split.

There's no quick fix to your anger and grief, but there is a journey toward a more satisfying and fulfilling life that you can start right now. The transition from despair to satisfaction starts with your determination not to be a victim of your circumstances; happiness doesn't depend so much on what happens to you, but on how you deal with what happens to you. Change your way of thinking: decide that you're not going to let divorce take control of your life and you'll be taking the first step towards recovery. If you are determined to wallow in defeat and sorrow, then the divorce has already won.

Feel the pain, then let it go

"Allow yourself to grieve," advises Chet Mirman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who co-directs The Center for Divorce Recovery in Northbrook, IL. "You need to recognize that divorce is a loss. In the case of a death, society has rituals to encourage people to grieve; we have no such rituals with divorce. Many people don't realize that the end of a marriage is a psychological equivalent to death."

And denying that you're in pain won't work, either. "Suppose I have a wall in my house that's all scarred with paint peeling," says Russell Friedman, executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute in California. "If I want to redo it and paint it over, do I just slop the paint over the cracks? Of course not: I have to strip the wall down and sand the old paint off before painting with a new coat. In order to participate in life fully, you have to strip down the damaged wall -- regardless of whose fault the damage is -- down to the heart of the matter. Covering up your pain never has a positive conclusion; unresolved grief makes you make bad decisions."

"You have to allow the hurt to run its course," says relationship expert, workshop leader, and best-selling author Bill Ferguson. "The more you allow yourself to feel the pain, the more it comes and the more it goes."

Divorce-recovery is a process, and it takes time. How long you will take to heal depends on many factors, including the length of your marriage, whether you were abused, and the support you receive from family and friends. "You must take the process of recovery seriously," urges Micki McWade, who has developed a 12-step divorce-recovery program in her book Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On. "People have high expectations of themselves; they think they should be getting over it quickly and immediately. But for every five years married, it takes about one year to get over it. Don't suppress your feelings or act as if it never happened, but give the process respect. If you bypass the process, it sets you up for a fall."

Erase revenge, blame, and guilt

Even when the divorce is over, anger, blame, and/or guilt may be dominating your thoughts. If you want to feel better, you have to work through and release them. It's unlikely that either you or your spouse is 100% responsible for the end of your marriage; perhaps both of you should have put more effort into it, or perhaps you were simply not a compatible couple. Whatever your situation, you have nothing to gain and a lot to lose by lashing out at yourself or at your ex-spouse. "Beware of getting stuck in anger, fighting, or blame," Dr. Mirman points out. "Even if the anger or blame is justified, it tends to keep you from feeling your sadness." It also prevents you from moving forward toward better times.

"When you're depressed and angry, you really don't feel you have anything to give," says Barbara Sher, the best-selling author of such motivational books as Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want, Live the Life You Love, and I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was. "Often you can't see why you should give at all, since you're the one who has been robbed and mistreated. Doing anything at all is hard when you're in the dumps." But once you let go of thoughts that depress and anger you, and prepare to start giving of yourself again, "the energy inside you rises to meet the challenge."

Most definitely do not resort to revenge. It's a dish best not served at all, even if your ex has hurt you without shame. Vengeance doesn't make the hurt go away; it sets a horrible example of social behavior for your children, and it stalls you from moving on. Revenge never fulfills its intended purpose: it doesn't "teach a lesson" to the person that hurt you, but rather provokes that person to get back at you in turn -- starting a cycle of tit-for-tat vengeance that causes unnecessary anguish on both sides. Revenge is extremely harmful at its worst and a waste of time at its best.

After all you've gone through, it may be tempting to see yourself as the eternal victim of your former spouse. But adopting this role prevents you from embracing responsibility for your own actions, whether or not you really have been a victim. On the other hand, it's no more constructive to blame yourself for everything. Immersing yourself in guilt -- or playing the "if only" game -- will keep you stuck in the past and afraid to make a decision in case it's the wrong one.

"You need to let go of the non-empowering emotions," says Mike Lipkin, a Toronto-based motivational speaker and the author of Your Personal Best. "Anytime you stay angry at someone, you are letting them live rent-free inside your head."

Look for the hidden gift

"Problems are just opportunities in their work clothes," said the late Henry J. Kaiser, an American industrialist, entrepreneur, and the father of modern shipbuilding. In the long run, dealing with problems can open up unexpected opportunities -- or at least make you stronger. Sometimes, good can come from bad -- although your current upset, anger, or fear may prevent you from seeing it. If you change your way of thinking to consciously look for the positive effects in any negative event, you may experience a radical change in your emotions and your outlook on life.

This is admittedly not an easy thing to do, especially during periods when life seems to be throwing you disappointments and crises without mercy. It takes patience, clarity, and objectivity to spot the gift in an unhappy event. For example, your divorce may turn out to be a blessing in disguise: you've been released from a marriage that wasn't working; you're now free to make your own decisions about your future; and eventually, you may find a much more compatible partner to share your life. You're losing the benefits of a committed relationship, but you'll also be losing the trials and unhappy compromises it required as well as regaining some of the perks of singlehood.

Sometimes, the most beneficial thing to come out of bad times is what you've learned from them -- and you should acknowledge that to yourself. You need to look at the situation and say, "What's the lesson here? What have I learned from this experience?" The benefits of doing this include a sense of empowerment from having used your experience to grow wiser, and using your new-found wisdom to avoid the same pitfall if it comes up again. Experience is a hard way to learn how to get through life, but it's a very effective teacher.

The "gift" that comes out of suffering isn't always immediately apparent. This is where you need to develop the ability to "turn a lemon into a lemonade," as the old saying goes. It takes courage, character, imagination, and perspective to accept the inevitable and even use it as the basis to create something positive. Great artists through the ages have channeled their suffering into classic novels, paintings, and music; poverty, disease, and social ostracism have fueled the eventual achievements of many great people -- from Charles Dickens and Abraham Lincoln to Helen Keller and Stephen Hawking.

If you're having trouble seeing the gift in your situation, just think of it this way: it could be worse. Things frequently are not as bad as they seem. Your divorce may have caused you extreme grief, ruined you financially, filled you with massive stress, and turned your life upside-down -- but would you rather be starving in a desert, stranded alone on an island, or on death row? Sometimes, your life itself is the gift; there are probably millions of people in the world who would love to have what you have right now, even in the worst of times.

According to the 19th-century philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, "We seldom think of what we have but always of what we lack." This tendency to focus on the negative causes unnecessary upset. Look for the gift: the silver lining. With practice, you'll get faster at finding it -- and happier for having done so.

The power of choice

Now that you've grieved, let go of your hurt, and looked for positive aspects of your situation, it's time to start exploring your options as to where life can take you next -- or, rather, where you will take it. If fulfillment is your aim, you have to pro-actively make choices about where to go instead of waiting for things to happen to you.

"In divorce, it's important to heal your hurt, and it's also important to get on with your life," Ferguson points out. "The main thing is to be active. Life is like being in water: as long as you're swimming, you stay above water, but if stop moving, you sink. During divorce, some people get caught in upset and then withdraw from life, eventually sinking into depression. You need to move forward and start creating dreams. Find things that you love to do."

Weigh the pros and cons, then take action. If you're dissatisfied with your job or your financial situation, take the initiative to update your resume and look for something more fulfilling, or at least to work toward promotion to a higher position or ask for a raise. If you're feeling courageous, you might even switch career paths completely and start over -- although you have to balance this desire with the need to put food on the table and maintain a roof over your head. If you want to improve your education or technical skills -- or if you just have an unsatisfied hunger for learning -- go back to school in the evenings. It's not too late to start or finish a college/university degree. You have the power to choose your next step in life.

"Between anything happening to us and our response is the power to choose our response," says Stephen R. Covey, renowned motivational expert and author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Through the power of choice, Covey has helped numerous people overcome setbacks in their lives and go on to achieve valuable contributions to their community. "Use the power of choice to bring yourself new meaning and new relationships. It will transcend a difficult past and help you learn from it. The only real failure is a mistake not learned from," he says.

The power to learn from your past and choose where to go next is the opposite of seeing yourself as a victim with no control over your life. "If we get obsessed with the past, we lose a sense of the future and its possibilities," Covey continues. "So we continue to feel embittered and take the road of least resilience. The upward motion is acting on one's conscience and refusing to let the negative energy consume you. If you move from the outside-in, you build a frame of reference in which only the outside will take care of you. You need to rise out of it by taking initiative and using your willpower. Moving from the outside-in, in which you're victimized by circumstances, leads to misery; it's the lower path. But the higher path -- inside-out -- leads to optimism and success." And working from the inside-out gives you the confidence to actively pinpoint and solve problems instead of letting them continue to worry you.

Covey points out the four "basic human endowments" that go into the power of choice:

1. Self-awareness. We can observe our own past and see how it has developed our own strengths and weaknesses;
2. Imagination. We can picture ourselves in a new way and reinvent ourselves. "Our memory is limited and self-limiting," says Covey, "but our imagination is unlimited and expansive, and it feeds on optimism and hope."
3. Conscience. Our inner sense tells us what is right and wrong;
4. Willpower.

A synergy results from using all four of these. "It will enable you to take a higher path to a new consciousness and a new peace of mind," explains Covey. "The main barrier, however, is when people don't use these endowments. Environmental, social, or economic factors overwhelm them, and they literally withdraw from the use of imagination. They surround themselves with people who make them feel validated and justified in their beliefs. Sometimes, we look for evidence of support for our views, such as people who tell us how right we are and how wrong others are."

The power of navigating your own life can awaken powers within you that you may have forgotten you had, or of which you were unaware. It will at least revitalize your confidence and control -- and this has to come from within. "You need a sense of autonomy and independence, a celebration of the self," says Lipkin. "Many of us have a strong tendency to underestimate ourselves, and we credit others for what we have. You need to have an acceptance of what happened and then move forward and see yourself as an extraordinary being with gifts that others can appreciate." If your partner defined much of your self-image, you need to take a fresh look at yourself and decide who you are now -- as well as who you want to be in the future.

Find new love and friendship

When you choose to try new things, you'll meet new people as well. And one of the best ways to take your mind off your own problems is to get interested in other people. New friends may, in turn, provide a sympathetic ear and a fresh outlook, particularly if they've also experienced relationship breakdown. "It helps to be with other divorcing people," confirms McWade. "They aren't tired of hearing you talk about it, and they understand what the process is like."

"Get involved with some kind of project that involves other people," says Sher. "The best kind is a rescue effort, like the Red Cross or a similar cause. This kind of activity has important benefits. Firstly, your concern for others will take you out of yourself. Secondly, the affectionate and generous side of you -- often the first casualty of a bad relationship -- will emerge again. You may think you have nothing to give, but you'll find that giving will heal you more than any amount of taking right now. Thirdly, you'll be reminded of what a decent person you really are. One's self-esteem is usually battered by the time a divorce happens, and this is the best way to rebuild it. And lastly, you'll meet a great class of people. The people who go out to help others are usually empathetic and concerned, the kind you need right now."

Eventually, you may consider beginning a new relationship. Beware, however, of leaping into a relationship before you're ready. "When people are hurt from a broken relationship, they often jump into a rebound relationship to find relief," notes Ferguson. "But this is dangerous, because when you break up, all the hurt is still in you. If you rush into a relationship, the pain may subside, but it's still there. The more hurt that you suppress, the more you sabotage the new relationship. So heal the hurt first."

Another problem with jumping in too quickly is that you may not yet have had a chance to think through what kind of partner you really need at this point in your life. "Until you work through your emotional issues, you won't make very good choices in subsequent partners," says McWade. "You need to reassess your needs as of today. The ideals you had before you were married often do not apply 15 years or more down the road. Hopefully, you've learned from the past. But unless you do a personal assessment, you'll keep making the same mistakes over and over. The patterns repeat, as what intimacy means to you was mostly set up in your childhood." You need to recognize the pattern before you can change it.

Make sure that your new partner has also recovered from past relationships and destructive patterns. Ferguson says, "Look for the other person's willingness to feel their hurt. That's the biggest factor in a successful relationship. The more unwilling people are to feel hurt, the more walls they put up and the more they protect themselves and get upset easily. But the more willing they are to feel, the more they flow with life. The dangerous ones are the those who can't access their pain. Look for people with open hearts."

If you have worked through your issues and regained control of your life -- and found a partner who's willing to do the same -- then you should be set for a satisfying new relationship, hopefully one that will complement (though not be the sole cause of) a happy future.

Getting better all the time

"Happiness in this world, when it comes, comes incidentally," wrote Nathaniel Hawthorne. "Make it the object of pursuit, and it leads us on a wild-goose chase, and is never attained. Follow some other object, and very possibly we may find that we have caught happiness without dreaming of it." At this point in your life, during or after divorce, "happiness" may seem like too much to ask of yourself. But if you can at least "follow some other object" that isn't moving you back into misery, you're making progress. Let go of grief and anger, find some way to profit (or at least learn) from your losses, and start making choices that will create a life you'll love.

You probably won't feel wonderful tomorrow, but every positive action you take to recover from divorce takes you one step closer to a satisfying life. "Grief-recovery is action-based, not time-based," adds Friedman. "Time is never a function; the result of the action is what's beneficial. Time doesn't do anything but go by." With perseverance and patience, you will start feeling better about yourself and about the world in general. Happiness awaits down the road, so start walking!

Improve your outlook

Although it may take a while to completely recover from your divorce, there are many little things you could do to boost your spirits in the meantime. For example:

• Have a guys'/girls' night out with your friends.
• Do a good deed without expecting a reward.
• Join a club, sports team, arts group, support group, or any other special-interest organization.
• Play with a puppy or kitten.
• Take a night class in some subject you've always wanted to learn about.
• Surprise an old friend you haven't spoken to in months or years with a phone call or e-mail.
• Volunteer at a charity or cause.
• Buy yourself a treat. Stay within your budget, however, or this one will rebound on you