Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tips for Surviving Divorce
How to prepare yourself to deal with the financial realities of divorce.
In the first few years after divorce, more often than not, the standard of living of both spouses drops. Why? Because the same cumulative income and pool of assets now has to support two households instead of one. Unfortunately, most people don't prepare themselves financially or emotionally for that consequence. So what can you do to better prepare yourself for this inevitability? The answer is simple, but it's not easy to put into practice.
Divorce is an inherently stressful process. To alleviate some of the stress, it's important to be proactive and in control. Here are the "Lucky Seven" things you can do to help prepare yourself for your post-divorce financial future.
1. Expect your income to drop after the divorce is final.
Develop a budget based on needs, not wants. Keep in mind that your expenses need to stay within your post-divorce income. Consider all sources of income -- including spousal and child support, keeping in mind that they won't last forever -- as well as investment income. To develop a budget, use a detailed worksheet so you don't overlook any expenses. The best source for the expense information is your check register, if that's how you pay your bills. Remember that not all your expenses are paid monthly; some insurance premiums or tax bills might be payable quarterly or annually, so make sure to account for those as well. (To help get you started, make a complete list of all your monthly and annual expenses.)
The last step in preparing a budget is to ask a reasonable and critical friend or family member to review your budget and challenge the expenses that seem unreasonable. You have to agree to keep an open mind and not to get mad if he/she challenges one of your items; remember that this person is trying to help you.
2. Consider whether you can afford to keep the house.
In many cases, one spouse -- usually the wife -- wants to keep the house. Though this might be extremely emotionally satisfying, it usually makes little or no financial sense. The equity in the house is illiquid, meaning it won't pay the bills. If it makes sense for one spouse to keep the house, that spouse should pre-qualify for a mortgage before the divorce is final. Sometimes, a divorcing couple will decide that one spouse is going to keep the house, then they take the other spouse's name off the deed. Later, the spouse who wants to keep the house gets turned down for a mortgage because he/she doesn't make enough money to qualify to refinance in his/her name alone. The spouse who is leaving the marital home ends up being on the hook for the debt, has no reciprocal asset, and can't qualify for his/her own mortgage because he/she doesn't make enough to support both mortgages.
To qualify for a mortgage, most conventional lenders use credit and debt to income ratios. Many use a credit score system to qualify applicants; a credit score is based on payment history, amount of credit owing, length of time credit established, number of recently opened credit accounts, and types of credit established. Lenders generally use two different ratios to analyze credit worthiness. Here's how they work:
(1) Housing Ratio = Total Monthly Housing Payments divided by Total Gross Income. This ratio must be 28% or less.
(2) Total Debt Ratio = Total Housing + Other Debt divided by Total Gross Income. This ratio must 36% or less.
In order to qualify for a conventional mortgage, an applicant must have an acceptable credit score and debt-to-income ratios.
3. Know what you have.
Account statements have a way of disappearing when divorce proceedings start. When contemplating divorce, start by collecting statements for all your financial holdings and put together a list of your assets. When negotiating your divorce settlement, this step will prove helpful as a starting point. Here's an example of items you'll need to list on an Asset Worksheet. Remember to note the value of each asset, and who owns what portion of it:
As you work your way through the asset split negotiations, each asset can be moved to its appropriate column: "Husband" or "Wife". To figure out the percentage split, divide the total for each spouse by the grand total.
4. Consider the after-tax values of your assets.
Accounts with pre-tax contributions and tax deferred growth come with a tax liability. Know what the after-tax equivalent value is before agreeing to take an asset. Having $100,000 in an IRA or RRSP is not the same as having a $100,000 in a checking account. The spouse with the retirement savings plan will end up with the account value minus the tax liability, and the other spouse will have the whole amount to spend.
5. Understand your financial needs.
You need to make sure that the liquidity of the assets you're getting matches up to your needs. Let's suppose you want to keep the marital house, which is worth $300,000 or 50% of the marital estate, as your share of the settlement. Until you take a close look at your long-term financial forecast, you won't know whether you can afford to keep it. Suppose, for example, you've factored child-support payments into your income; after the payments end, how are you going to pay the mortgage? If you have to put the house up for sale in a few years, you may be solely responsible for paying all the capital-gains taxes from the time you and your spouse acquired the property until you sold it -- which could be bad news indeed.
6. Don't overlook the value of a future pension.
Any portion of a pension that was earned during the marriage should be included in the marital pool of assets. Pensions can be handled in three different ways:
1. The non-employee spouse can receive his or her share of a future benefit;
2. The pension can be present valued and offset;
3. A combination of 1 and 2.
Your particular situation should determine which option makes the most sense for you. For example, a 32-year-old wife with two young children and limited resources will have different needs than a 55-year-old wife with a career and her own pension. Make sure you're not the divorcee who has a great pension that will pay in 15 years and have no money to pay the bills today.
7. Hire a good team.
Recommendations are a great source for professionals. However, you need to do your homework before hiring anyone. Your team should consist of a divorce lawyer and a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) at a minimum. In addition, if needed, an accountant or valuator can be retained to value a business or do some forensic work. Although you may think that the more professionals you hire the more costly your divorce will be, this is not necessarily true. In the long run, having the appropriate help will cut down on litigation costs, and may save you from making costly blunders regarding your settlement.
In the first few years after divorce, more often than not, the standard of living of both spouses drops. Why? Because the same cumulative income and pool of assets now has to support two households instead of one. Unfortunately, most people don't prepare themselves financially or emotionally for that consequence. So what can you do to better prepare yourself for this inevitability? The answer is simple, but it's not easy to put into practice.
Divorce is an inherently stressful process. To alleviate some of the stress, it's important to be proactive and in control. Here are the "Lucky Seven" things you can do to help prepare yourself for your post-divorce financial future.
1. Expect your income to drop after the divorce is final.
Develop a budget based on needs, not wants. Keep in mind that your expenses need to stay within your post-divorce income. Consider all sources of income -- including spousal and child support, keeping in mind that they won't last forever -- as well as investment income. To develop a budget, use a detailed worksheet so you don't overlook any expenses. The best source for the expense information is your check register, if that's how you pay your bills. Remember that not all your expenses are paid monthly; some insurance premiums or tax bills might be payable quarterly or annually, so make sure to account for those as well. (To help get you started, make a complete list of all your monthly and annual expenses.)
The last step in preparing a budget is to ask a reasonable and critical friend or family member to review your budget and challenge the expenses that seem unreasonable. You have to agree to keep an open mind and not to get mad if he/she challenges one of your items; remember that this person is trying to help you.
2. Consider whether you can afford to keep the house.
In many cases, one spouse -- usually the wife -- wants to keep the house. Though this might be extremely emotionally satisfying, it usually makes little or no financial sense. The equity in the house is illiquid, meaning it won't pay the bills. If it makes sense for one spouse to keep the house, that spouse should pre-qualify for a mortgage before the divorce is final. Sometimes, a divorcing couple will decide that one spouse is going to keep the house, then they take the other spouse's name off the deed. Later, the spouse who wants to keep the house gets turned down for a mortgage because he/she doesn't make enough money to qualify to refinance in his/her name alone. The spouse who is leaving the marital home ends up being on the hook for the debt, has no reciprocal asset, and can't qualify for his/her own mortgage because he/she doesn't make enough to support both mortgages.
To qualify for a mortgage, most conventional lenders use credit and debt to income ratios. Many use a credit score system to qualify applicants; a credit score is based on payment history, amount of credit owing, length of time credit established, number of recently opened credit accounts, and types of credit established. Lenders generally use two different ratios to analyze credit worthiness. Here's how they work:
(1) Housing Ratio = Total Monthly Housing Payments divided by Total Gross Income. This ratio must be 28% or less.
(2) Total Debt Ratio = Total Housing + Other Debt divided by Total Gross Income. This ratio must 36% or less.
In order to qualify for a conventional mortgage, an applicant must have an acceptable credit score and debt-to-income ratios.
3. Know what you have.
Account statements have a way of disappearing when divorce proceedings start. When contemplating divorce, start by collecting statements for all your financial holdings and put together a list of your assets. When negotiating your divorce settlement, this step will prove helpful as a starting point. Here's an example of items you'll need to list on an Asset Worksheet. Remember to note the value of each asset, and who owns what portion of it:
- Retirement Assets
- Liquid Assets
- Real Estate
- Personal Property
- Cash Value Life Insurance
- Business Interests
As you work your way through the asset split negotiations, each asset can be moved to its appropriate column: "Husband" or "Wife". To figure out the percentage split, divide the total for each spouse by the grand total.
4. Consider the after-tax values of your assets.
Accounts with pre-tax contributions and tax deferred growth come with a tax liability. Know what the after-tax equivalent value is before agreeing to take an asset. Having $100,000 in an IRA or RRSP is not the same as having a $100,000 in a checking account. The spouse with the retirement savings plan will end up with the account value minus the tax liability, and the other spouse will have the whole amount to spend.
5. Understand your financial needs.
You need to make sure that the liquidity of the assets you're getting matches up to your needs. Let's suppose you want to keep the marital house, which is worth $300,000 or 50% of the marital estate, as your share of the settlement. Until you take a close look at your long-term financial forecast, you won't know whether you can afford to keep it. Suppose, for example, you've factored child-support payments into your income; after the payments end, how are you going to pay the mortgage? If you have to put the house up for sale in a few years, you may be solely responsible for paying all the capital-gains taxes from the time you and your spouse acquired the property until you sold it -- which could be bad news indeed.
6. Don't overlook the value of a future pension.
Any portion of a pension that was earned during the marriage should be included in the marital pool of assets. Pensions can be handled in three different ways:
1. The non-employee spouse can receive his or her share of a future benefit;
2. The pension can be present valued and offset;
3. A combination of 1 and 2.
Your particular situation should determine which option makes the most sense for you. For example, a 32-year-old wife with two young children and limited resources will have different needs than a 55-year-old wife with a career and her own pension. Make sure you're not the divorcee who has a great pension that will pay in 15 years and have no money to pay the bills today.
7. Hire a good team.
Recommendations are a great source for professionals. However, you need to do your homework before hiring anyone. Your team should consist of a divorce lawyer and a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) at a minimum. In addition, if needed, an accountant or valuator can be retained to value a business or do some forensic work. Although you may think that the more professionals you hire the more costly your divorce will be, this is not necessarily true. In the long run, having the appropriate help will cut down on litigation costs, and may save you from making costly blunders regarding your settlement.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Peaceful Divorce with Shah & Kishore: Joint or Sole Custody?
Peaceful Divorce with Shah & Kishore: Joint or Sole Custody?: "For the sake of the children, the goals of divorcing parents should be the same: involvement of both parents in the lives of the children a..."
Joint or Sole Custody?
For the sake of the children, the goals of divorcing parents should be the same: involvement of both parents in the lives of the children and mitigation of conflict between the parents. These two factors should dominate all others when thinking about custody.
A joint-custody solution gives a psychological boost to the parent who would otherwise be the noncustodial parent. But, even in a sole-custody situation, generous time-sharing (combined with open communication between parents) can create an environment where a noncustodial parent is significantly involved in the children's lives.
Is joint custody right for you? That depends a great deal on the ability of you and your spouse to get along. If you are to share decision-making, you must be able to sit down with your former spouse in a non-combative atmosphere and make decisions together. Shared values and parenting styles make this custody style more viable.
Here's what psychologists have found after long-term studies of families in joint-custody and sole-custody arrangements:
In short, if you can agree to most of the following statements, joint custody could work for your family:
Be honest with yourself. If your feelings don't allow you to accept these guidelines, then get some counseling. If that doesn't work, then joint custody is not a good choice for your family.
When Joint Custody Won't Work
Candace and Bill had been snapping at each other for years by the time they decided to divorce. The manager of a medical clinic in the neighborhood, Bill couldn't keep his eyes off Marion, a lab technician ten years his junior. Eventually, what had started out as an office flirtation turned into a passionate romance, and Bill asked Candace for a divorce. Of course, Candace was shocked. Despite the fact that she, too, was dissatisfied with the marriage, thinking about Bill moving out -- to marry someone else -- made Candace's heart race with anxiety.
When Bill decided it was time to work out the details of the divorce, he requested joint legal custody of the two children, Gwen, 14, and Martin, 12. The thought of giving up his role as decision-maker was too much to bear. Candace, humiliated by Bill's abrupt dismissal, wanted as little to do with him as possible and could not imagine sitting down to make mutual decisions for the kids.
In this situation, Candace and Bill would have to transcend their bitterness for joint legal custody to work. As long as the animosity continued, it would not be possible to share decisions about the children. If Candace and Bill's situation continued with ongoing conflict, as many of these situations do, joint legal custody would result in more fighting and perennial visits to court.
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Pamela Weintraub and Terry Hillman are co-founders of Divorce Central, an online service. Ms. Weintraub is the author of more than a dozen books and was previously editor-in-chief of OMNI Internet. Ms. Hillman owns a business that produces multimedia educational programs for professionals. This article has been excerpted from their book The Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Divorce.
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A joint-custody solution gives a psychological boost to the parent who would otherwise be the noncustodial parent. But, even in a sole-custody situation, generous time-sharing (combined with open communication between parents) can create an environment where a noncustodial parent is significantly involved in the children's lives.
Is joint custody right for you? That depends a great deal on the ability of you and your spouse to get along. If you are to share decision-making, you must be able to sit down with your former spouse in a non-combative atmosphere and make decisions together. Shared values and parenting styles make this custody style more viable.
Here's what psychologists have found after long-term studies of families in joint-custody and sole-custody arrangements:
- Joint custody is a viable option only if the parents have an amicable relationship with each other, communicate well, and understand the nuances of their kids' day-to-day routines. Parents in this situation feel more involved in their children's lives than the noncustodial parent in the sole-custody arrangement. On the other hand, in a family where one parent says "black" and the other parent says "white," the children are better off with a sole-custody arrangement to reduce the possibility that their parents will fight over every decision that must be made on their behalf.
- For parents not on friendly terms, joint legal custody (that is to say, joint decision-making) means more room for disagreement and continuation of conflict. These parents are more likely to return to court than parents who have one decision-maker (sole custody).
- If you're able to communicate about the kids, are willing to live in close proximity to your ex, and have the time and resources to share "possession and access" (as they say in Texas) or "physical custody" (as it's more commonly called), then it can be a great thing for everyone. But generally, only children who tend to be easy-going by nature can adapt well to this kind of living arrangement. Children who do poorly with constant change, have difficulty adjusting to new situations, and seem to need a great deal of stability and security in their lives don't do well with joint physical custody.
In short, if you can agree to most of the following statements, joint custody could work for your family:
- I will communicate openly with my ex-spouse regarding the children's needs and activities.
- I can be flexible in working with my ex-spouse and put my children's needs first.
- I will never bad-mouth my ex-spouse in front of my children. On the contrary, I will show nothing but respect for my children's other parent.
- I will respect my ex-spouse's right to have his or her own house rules and not undermine them.
Be honest with yourself. If your feelings don't allow you to accept these guidelines, then get some counseling. If that doesn't work, then joint custody is not a good choice for your family.
When Joint Custody Won't Work
Candace and Bill had been snapping at each other for years by the time they decided to divorce. The manager of a medical clinic in the neighborhood, Bill couldn't keep his eyes off Marion, a lab technician ten years his junior. Eventually, what had started out as an office flirtation turned into a passionate romance, and Bill asked Candace for a divorce. Of course, Candace was shocked. Despite the fact that she, too, was dissatisfied with the marriage, thinking about Bill moving out -- to marry someone else -- made Candace's heart race with anxiety.
When Bill decided it was time to work out the details of the divorce, he requested joint legal custody of the two children, Gwen, 14, and Martin, 12. The thought of giving up his role as decision-maker was too much to bear. Candace, humiliated by Bill's abrupt dismissal, wanted as little to do with him as possible and could not imagine sitting down to make mutual decisions for the kids.
In this situation, Candace and Bill would have to transcend their bitterness for joint legal custody to work. As long as the animosity continued, it would not be possible to share decisions about the children. If Candace and Bill's situation continued with ongoing conflict, as many of these situations do, joint legal custody would result in more fighting and perennial visits to court.
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Pamela Weintraub and Terry Hillman are co-founders of Divorce Central, an online service. Ms. Weintraub is the author of more than a dozen books and was previously editor-in-chief of OMNI Internet. Ms. Hillman owns a business that produces multimedia educational programs for professionals. This article has been excerpted from their book The Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Divorce.
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Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Divorce Liens on the Family Home
If you are getting a divorce, or know someone who is getting a divorce, you will find it helpful to know about divorce liens.
A divorce lien can avoid the usual turmoil of selling the house and splitting the money -- the home often being a divorcing couple's largest single asset.
With a divorce lien, one party keeps the house, and the other gets a note and deed of trust (or mortgage) secured by the property. One gets real estate and the other gets paper.
In this arrangement, the spouse who keeps the home (often the wife) has the same familiar environment for herself and the children. The children don't have to change schools. There are no divorce relocation costs. She retains a fair share of the equity and hopes that the price of the home goes up. She has the obligation to pay the departing spouse according to an agreed-upon schedule.
The departing spouse (often the husband) signs a deed to the house over to the wife, and in return gets a note and a deed of trust secured by the home -- a divorce lien. The departing spouse can hold the note until it pays off, or he can sell it for cash. If the departing spouse has no need for immediate cash, he can accept a payoff -- in many cases, in about five years -- or when the youngest child is eighteen. If the departing spouse does need immediate cash, he can sell the note and, ordinarily, receive tax-free money. This provides funding for new living quarters, help in paying attorney fees, child support, and a new start in life. If he sells the note, this financial connection to the house ends.
This win-win scenario can ease the pain of a divorce to a small degree. However, a divorce lien is not for every case. The divorcing couple's situation must meet some guidelines. First, the family must have substantial equity in their home. Second, the spouse who retains the home must be able to afford property maintenance and the payments on the first mortgage -- a divorce lien is usually a second mortgage. Since a divorce lien also requires a certain minimum of cooperation between the divorcing spouses, you will recognize at the outset that some divorcing couples may not agree to this approach. When it is possible, it gives benefits to both parties that would not otherwise be available.
A divorce lien can avoid the usual turmoil of selling the house and splitting the money -- the home often being a divorcing couple's largest single asset.
With a divorce lien, one party keeps the house, and the other gets a note and deed of trust (or mortgage) secured by the property. One gets real estate and the other gets paper.
In this arrangement, the spouse who keeps the home (often the wife) has the same familiar environment for herself and the children. The children don't have to change schools. There are no divorce relocation costs. She retains a fair share of the equity and hopes that the price of the home goes up. She has the obligation to pay the departing spouse according to an agreed-upon schedule.
The departing spouse (often the husband) signs a deed to the house over to the wife, and in return gets a note and a deed of trust secured by the home -- a divorce lien. The departing spouse can hold the note until it pays off, or he can sell it for cash. If the departing spouse has no need for immediate cash, he can accept a payoff -- in many cases, in about five years -- or when the youngest child is eighteen. If the departing spouse does need immediate cash, he can sell the note and, ordinarily, receive tax-free money. This provides funding for new living quarters, help in paying attorney fees, child support, and a new start in life. If he sells the note, this financial connection to the house ends.
This win-win scenario can ease the pain of a divorce to a small degree. However, a divorce lien is not for every case. The divorcing couple's situation must meet some guidelines. First, the family must have substantial equity in their home. Second, the spouse who retains the home must be able to afford property maintenance and the payments on the first mortgage -- a divorce lien is usually a second mortgage. Since a divorce lien also requires a certain minimum of cooperation between the divorcing spouses, you will recognize at the outset that some divorcing couples may not agree to this approach. When it is possible, it gives benefits to both parties that would not otherwise be available.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?
Using a storybook format to break the news to your children in a loving way.
I've faced many difficult moments in my life. Who hasn't? But preparing to tell my son that I will be divorcing his father was absolutely one of the worst. The emotions surging through my body were overwhelming. Deep, gut-wrenching fear. Continuous anxiety. Incredible guilt. And the oppressive weight of shame.
My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, dear soul who loved his father and mother both. He certainly didn't deserve this.
I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, what should we say?
How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted -- changed -- forever?
How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault?
How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for, and loved, even after his parents divorce?
And even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead, when you're not sure yourself how it will all turn out?
I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp.
My son, Cassidy, was 11 at the time. He was still a child, yet old enough to feel the tension in our home that had been escalating for several years. He heard the frequent irritation in our voices when his father and I spoke. He heard the arguments that would flare up suddenly in the midst of routine conversations. He heard the sarcastic inflections in our communication, as well as the deafening silence when we were beyond words and engulfed in frustration and anger.
Silently, internally, my son was experiencing it all and, not surprisingly, he began to show signs of stress. Sometimes it came in the form of headaches which had been increasing in frequency over the past two years. Other times, it was his tears that revealed the pain he felt hearing what he heard and being helpless to stop it. Many times, he acted out, showing us his escalating temper, taking attention away from our drama and placing it on himself as he was quietly filling up with rage about controlling a situation that was moving out of control.
The most frustrating part of it all is that we knew better, his father and I. We knew better than to fight in front of our son, to allow him to be caught up in our difficulties. But as our unhappiness together grew over time, we lost a handle on what we knew and gave in to what we felt. It was a terrible mistake, one which I will always regret because my innocent child, the being I loved more than anyone in the universe, was paying the price.
I wrote a list for myself of what was most important for me to convey to Cassidy when I -- or both his father and I -- spoke to him. Six points stood out as most essential:
But how do I say it? I rehearsed dozens of conversations in my head during those weeks. They seemed awkward. Rehearsed. Insincere. Nothing felt right or did justice to the importance of this conversation.
Everything I tried brought up more questions than answers. How do I begin? How do I prepare myself to answer all his questions? How do I cope with the inevitable tears?
And then what?
One night at 4 a.m., while my troubled mind rehashed my insecurities in bed, a thought came to me that resonated in a powerful way. I remembered that my son always enjoyed looking through the family photo albums, primarily because they were filled with photos of him. He liked seeing his baby pictures and watching himself change as he grew. The albums were like a story book of his life. They kept his attention for long periods of time. They also brought out his curiosity and questions which opened the door to many relaxed family conversations
What if I prepared a photo album for my son that told the story of our family in pictures and words? And what if it spanned from before he was born right up to the present, preparing him for the new changes ahead?
The storybook concept gave him something tangible he could hold on to and read over again and again to help him grasp what was about to transpire. It would explain, in language he could understand, why this was happening and what to expect. Most important of all, it would be a format that allowed me to make sure I emphasized the six crucial points I knew I had to get across to him.
And rather than rehearsing a conversation that felt like a minefield of possible mistakes and detours, the storybook would give me a written, pre-planned script that was well thought out in advance.
The idea still had merit the next morning. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed to be the best option, both for Cassidy and his parents. With this new concept solidly in mind, I moved ahead in this creative new direction. And it worked.
When the storybook was completed, I showed it to my husband. It was important to me that we both agreed upon the message we were conveying to our child. What I said was not controversial, judgmental, or accusatory. On the contrary. The story in the book told the truth while focusing on areas of mutual agreement, the six crucial points that most every parent would want to get across.
While my husband was angry with me for initiating our divorce, he understood that the point of our storybook was not to air our differences but to show as much support to our son, during this difficult time, as was possible. He agreed the book was well done.
On the evening we set aside, my husband and I sat down with Cassidy and told him we had put together a storybook photo album about our family. He was immediately interested. I started reading aloud. At times, I stopped for a moment as we reminisced about a birthday party, vacation, or other memorable event mentioned in our story. It felt good to laugh together, even if only briefly, sitting on the sofa as a family for, perhaps, one of the very last times.
As I started reading about changes in the family, tensions, disagreements, and sad times, I watched as tears pooled up in my son's eyes. By the time I reached the end of the story, he was weeping uncontrollably and holding on to both of us as tightly as he could.
That was followed by the inevitable anticipated responses. "No! You're not getting a divorce. I don't want you to. You can't. It isn't fair." And then, as a family, we talked, cried, hugged, answered questions, repeated answers, reread passages in the book, and consoled one another.
The deed was done. It was awful to go through. But somehow having the book as an anchor, something to reread, hold on to, and keep was helpful for my son. We had the conversation about the impending divorce itself. Sometimes we'd refer back to a passage or two in the book as a reminder that mom and dad will still love him forever and that everything will be okay.
The book also helped me and my husband to keep a perspective about our son. To remember that this was not about good guys and bad guys, judgments, and accusations. People and situations change. Life evolves. And beyond our differences, our frustrations and disappointments, we were still both Cassidy's mom and dad and always will be. So we needed to treat each other with dignity and respect.
It has been more than a decade since I prepared that storybook about our family. I have since remarried, and my son has graduated college and embarked on an exciting career. As a grown young man in his 20s, he is still very close to me and his father. And he tells us, much as he hated our decision at the time, he now believes we were wise to get a divorce and move on with our lives, both of us choosing more suitable mates. When I approached him with my idea about sharing our family storybook with others who are facing divorce and emotionally torn up about how to tell their children, he enthusiastically agreed that it was a great idea.
So did the six therapists I approached. They not only endorsed the concept but graciously contributed to the value of this book by adding additional suggestions and insights based on their professional experience. For this, I am truly grateful.
In my book, I share with you the templates I have prepared, which will enable you to create a storybook customized to your individual family. I help prepare you for the questions to expect from your children and how best to answer them. And I refer you to additional resources you can turn to for advice, support, and counseling at whatever level is appropriate for you.
By the end of my book, you will not only know how to tell your kids about divorce, you will also have a viable means with which to do so... your personal family storybook. May it be a resource you will create and turn to when expressing your love for your children as you move through divorce and beyond.
At this difficult time in the life of your family, I send you my heartfelt compassion and my very best wishes for the most positive and peaceful resolution for everyone involved.
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This article has been excerpted from How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!, by Rosalind Sedacca. This opening chapter has won Sedacca the 2008 Victorious Woman Award. She is a writer, professional speaker, and Certified Corporate Trainer specializing in communication and relationship issues. She is also the founder of Child-Centered Divorce, a support network for parents.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've faced many difficult moments in my life. Who hasn't? But preparing to tell my son that I will be divorcing his father was absolutely one of the worst. The emotions surging through my body were overwhelming. Deep, gut-wrenching fear. Continuous anxiety. Incredible guilt. And the oppressive weight of shame.
My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, dear soul who loved his father and mother both. He certainly didn't deserve this.
I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, what should we say?
How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted -- changed -- forever?
How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault?
How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for, and loved, even after his parents divorce?
And even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead, when you're not sure yourself how it will all turn out?
I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp.
My son, Cassidy, was 11 at the time. He was still a child, yet old enough to feel the tension in our home that had been escalating for several years. He heard the frequent irritation in our voices when his father and I spoke. He heard the arguments that would flare up suddenly in the midst of routine conversations. He heard the sarcastic inflections in our communication, as well as the deafening silence when we were beyond words and engulfed in frustration and anger.
Silently, internally, my son was experiencing it all and, not surprisingly, he began to show signs of stress. Sometimes it came in the form of headaches which had been increasing in frequency over the past two years. Other times, it was his tears that revealed the pain he felt hearing what he heard and being helpless to stop it. Many times, he acted out, showing us his escalating temper, taking attention away from our drama and placing it on himself as he was quietly filling up with rage about controlling a situation that was moving out of control.
The most frustrating part of it all is that we knew better, his father and I. We knew better than to fight in front of our son, to allow him to be caught up in our difficulties. But as our unhappiness together grew over time, we lost a handle on what we knew and gave in to what we felt. It was a terrible mistake, one which I will always regret because my innocent child, the being I loved more than anyone in the universe, was paying the price.
I wrote a list for myself of what was most important for me to convey to Cassidy when I -- or both his father and I -- spoke to him. Six points stood out as most essential:
This is not your fault.
You are and will always remain safe.
Mom and dad will always be your parents.
Mom and dad will always love you.
This is about change, not about blame.
Things will work out OK.
You are and will always remain safe.
Mom and dad will always be your parents.
Mom and dad will always love you.
This is about change, not about blame.
Things will work out OK.
But how do I say it? I rehearsed dozens of conversations in my head during those weeks. They seemed awkward. Rehearsed. Insincere. Nothing felt right or did justice to the importance of this conversation.
Everything I tried brought up more questions than answers. How do I begin? How do I prepare myself to answer all his questions? How do I cope with the inevitable tears?
And then what?
One night at 4 a.m., while my troubled mind rehashed my insecurities in bed, a thought came to me that resonated in a powerful way. I remembered that my son always enjoyed looking through the family photo albums, primarily because they were filled with photos of him. He liked seeing his baby pictures and watching himself change as he grew. The albums were like a story book of his life. They kept his attention for long periods of time. They also brought out his curiosity and questions which opened the door to many relaxed family conversations
What if I prepared a photo album for my son that told the story of our family in pictures and words? And what if it spanned from before he was born right up to the present, preparing him for the new changes ahead?
The storybook concept gave him something tangible he could hold on to and read over again and again to help him grasp what was about to transpire. It would explain, in language he could understand, why this was happening and what to expect. Most important of all, it would be a format that allowed me to make sure I emphasized the six crucial points I knew I had to get across to him.
And rather than rehearsing a conversation that felt like a minefield of possible mistakes and detours, the storybook would give me a written, pre-planned script that was well thought out in advance.
The idea still had merit the next morning. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed to be the best option, both for Cassidy and his parents. With this new concept solidly in mind, I moved ahead in this creative new direction. And it worked.
When the storybook was completed, I showed it to my husband. It was important to me that we both agreed upon the message we were conveying to our child. What I said was not controversial, judgmental, or accusatory. On the contrary. The story in the book told the truth while focusing on areas of mutual agreement, the six crucial points that most every parent would want to get across.
While my husband was angry with me for initiating our divorce, he understood that the point of our storybook was not to air our differences but to show as much support to our son, during this difficult time, as was possible. He agreed the book was well done.
On the evening we set aside, my husband and I sat down with Cassidy and told him we had put together a storybook photo album about our family. He was immediately interested. I started reading aloud. At times, I stopped for a moment as we reminisced about a birthday party, vacation, or other memorable event mentioned in our story. It felt good to laugh together, even if only briefly, sitting on the sofa as a family for, perhaps, one of the very last times.
As I started reading about changes in the family, tensions, disagreements, and sad times, I watched as tears pooled up in my son's eyes. By the time I reached the end of the story, he was weeping uncontrollably and holding on to both of us as tightly as he could.
That was followed by the inevitable anticipated responses. "No! You're not getting a divorce. I don't want you to. You can't. It isn't fair." And then, as a family, we talked, cried, hugged, answered questions, repeated answers, reread passages in the book, and consoled one another.
The deed was done. It was awful to go through. But somehow having the book as an anchor, something to reread, hold on to, and keep was helpful for my son. We had the conversation about the impending divorce itself. Sometimes we'd refer back to a passage or two in the book as a reminder that mom and dad will still love him forever and that everything will be okay.
The book also helped me and my husband to keep a perspective about our son. To remember that this was not about good guys and bad guys, judgments, and accusations. People and situations change. Life evolves. And beyond our differences, our frustrations and disappointments, we were still both Cassidy's mom and dad and always will be. So we needed to treat each other with dignity and respect.
It has been more than a decade since I prepared that storybook about our family. I have since remarried, and my son has graduated college and embarked on an exciting career. As a grown young man in his 20s, he is still very close to me and his father. And he tells us, much as he hated our decision at the time, he now believes we were wise to get a divorce and move on with our lives, both of us choosing more suitable mates. When I approached him with my idea about sharing our family storybook with others who are facing divorce and emotionally torn up about how to tell their children, he enthusiastically agreed that it was a great idea.
So did the six therapists I approached. They not only endorsed the concept but graciously contributed to the value of this book by adding additional suggestions and insights based on their professional experience. For this, I am truly grateful.
In my book, I share with you the templates I have prepared, which will enable you to create a storybook customized to your individual family. I help prepare you for the questions to expect from your children and how best to answer them. And I refer you to additional resources you can turn to for advice, support, and counseling at whatever level is appropriate for you.
By the end of my book, you will not only know how to tell your kids about divorce, you will also have a viable means with which to do so... your personal family storybook. May it be a resource you will create and turn to when expressing your love for your children as you move through divorce and beyond.
At this difficult time in the life of your family, I send you my heartfelt compassion and my very best wishes for the most positive and peaceful resolution for everyone involved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This article has been excerpted from How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!, by Rosalind Sedacca. This opening chapter has won Sedacca the 2008 Victorious Woman Award. She is a writer, professional speaker, and Certified Corporate Trainer specializing in communication and relationship issues. She is also the founder of Child-Centered Divorce, a support network for parents.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have some confusion about divorce we are here to help you call on 301-715-3838 or visit our web http://www.maryland-lawoffice.com
Friday, May 6, 2011
What is Collaborative Divorce Law
Collaborative Family Law
- What is Collaborative Law?
- Collaborative Law is a form of ADR (alternative dispute resolution).
- Each party hires his/her own exclusive lawyer and the two lawyers, along with the respective parties work together to find a resolution. The lawyers work with each other and the parties to draft an amicable agreement for everyone.
- The parties and their lawyer control what goes on in a collaborative setting and they control the outcome and agreements drafted as opposed to litigation where a judge controls the outcome.
- In collaborative law, the process can extend past just the clients and their lawyers. Both parties can agree on experts and professionals to help guide them in important decisions and take full advantage of the collaborative process.
- The clients and their lawyers sign a Participation Agreement before the start of the Collaborative process.
- What is a Participation Agreement in the Collaborative Law Process?
- The Participation Agreement is a bond between both parties and their lawyers agreeing to the terms in Collaborative Law.
- Both parties agree that should one party decide to pursue litigation or threaten to go to court the Collaborative Process immediately ends.
- Should the Collaborative process end, both lawyers will immediately terminate working with either party. Both parties at this point will have to find new legal representation for whatever dispute will be settled in court.
- Both parties also agree to share all financial information upfront and provide all supporting documentation.
- Who is the collaborative lawyer at Shah and Kishore?
- Our main partner Mr. Rahul Kishore is a trained collaborative lawyer, he has a law degree and he has been practicing Family Law for 15 years. He has been trained in collaborative law too. He has an MBA (Masters of Business Administration) which allows him to analyze all types of financial issues that tie in with family law issues.
- Why Collaborative Law?
- While Collaborative Law is not for everyone, it provides a good alternative to expensive litigation fees in a process that usually only has one winner.
- In Collaborative Law both parties can leave winners. Collaborative law is different than mediation in that it allows each party to have their own individual lawyer to confide in.
- It also allows the opportunity for you to gain support from a wide range of professionals which reduces taking “three steps backwards” (as you would in litigation) before you can move forward in your life and as a family.
- Collaborative law is quicker: After an agreement has been reached in a collaborative law process the agreement is submitted to the court for approval. It eliminates the need to wait for a court date and partake in a long burdensome process.
- It protects family and relationships, fosters personal responsibility and allows the clients to take control over ultimately, how the family emerges post-dispute.
- Who should consider going through Collaborative Law?
- Both parties will agree to a date and time to hold their mediation appointment.
- Collaborative Law works best for couples who are considering separating or getting a divorce, or parents who are determining custody for their children.
- What does the Collaborative Law process look like?
- Both parties will agree to a date and time to hold their Collaborative Law appointment.
- The lawyers will introduce themselves and then both parties will sign the Participation Agreement.
- After the Participation Agreement is signed both parties will disclose any and all financial information. This information will be disclosed voluntarily and in the spirit of cooperation and trust. They will also provide supporting documentation to back up all claims.
- A series of joint sessions will take place. These sessions include both parties and their respective lawyers and all other hired professionals. Everyone present will then discuss the issues surrounding the family matters and work towards creating an agreement that is amicable for both parties and any effected family members.
- A lawyer will then try to draft up an agreement that is amicable to both parties and includes resolutions to all of the issues discussed in the sessions.
- Once this agreement is drafter both parties will review the drafted agreement and both lawyers will review the agreement to make sure it keeps the client’s best interest at heart.
- This agreement will then be sent to the court for approval. After the document is approved the agreement stands as a legal document.
- Who Pays for Collaborative Law?
- Each respective party pays his or her own lawyer, based upon the individual lawyer fees. Other professionals such as family relations specialists, financial specialists or child specialists that are retained jointly should be paid for jointly. Both parties will need to communicate and work out a fair way to share these expenses.
- What if we don’t reach an agreement?
- Collaborative Law isn’t for everyone. Should you not be able to work out your dispute through Collaborative Law Shah and Kishore will refer you to trained attorneys in family law who will offer you legal advice for whatever pathway you choose in the court system.
- As per the Participation Agreement in Collaborative Law both parties’ lawyer will immediately pull out of the process forcing both parties to hire new representation should they decide to proceed with litigation.
- Litigation, though more expensive, provides resolutions to disputes that cannot be solved through combined efforts and shared communication. Litigation can solve matters of divorce, separation, alimony, child custody, child visitation and child support.
- Frequently Asked Questions
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
What is the "best" time to divorce?
Should you stay together until your children are a little older, or is it better to make a clean break now?
I hear this question every time I lecture to parents or participate on talk shows. People love their children, and they want to diminish any hurt from the divorce. They want to know whether there's an age when divorce is easier on children. What's the "best" time to divorce? The trouble is, there's no simple answer. It all depends on what's going on in your family, what kind of parents you are, how much you can cooperate, and also the age and temperament of your child.
First take a close look at what's happening in your family. If there's chronic violence at home, the answer is "the sooner the better," unrelated to the age of your child. By violence, I mean physical attack -- hitting, kicking, throwing objects -- or chronic threats of physical violence. Exposure to violence has serious consequences for a child's development that may last well into adulthood. They fear for your safety. They fear for themselves and their siblings.
If there's repeated high conflict in your marriage accompanied by yelling, screaming, and pounding the table, then I'd also say the sooner the better. Since there are no meaningful measures of high conflict, this judgment is highly subjective. Some families are reserved, others are operatic. But if you're in a marriage where almost every subject is material for another fierce argument, you know what I mean. In some high-conflict homes, serious differences between the partners are a recurrent theme in everyday life. In other marriages, fights erupt over insignificant issues -- a grocery bill, local politics, a bad report card -- leading to hurt and a sense of endless frustration. Like violence, high conflict is terrifying for children to witness because it creates a climate that leads to fear and trembling. In such an environment, a child can lose the capacity to trust, even to feel. The longer it goes on, the worse it will be.
Divorce in violent marriages provides important relief for one or both parents and can definitely help the children -- but not automatically. When children have witnessed violent behavior, they need therapy in addition to divorce. This is an extremely important recommendation. Children who have witnessed physical abuse in their families absolutely need help in assimilating new and healthier models for male-female relationships. Nor is divorce by itself enough for children who have grown up under conditions of high conflict. They, too, need therapy to help them resume their development without a distorted view of how people treat each other.
The parents who terminate such marriages also need help, not only to protect their children but to learn how to let go of their fear and anger. Divorce does not end fear in a person who has been victimized. Nor does rage go away. After a divorce, angry people often tend to continue fighting. But if you are in a violent or high-conflict marriage, you should keep in mind that anger has the potential to escalate when divorce is threatened or actually filed. While you may not be able to prevent anger from dominating your divorce proceedings, you can be aware of how hazardous the victim-perpetrator interaction is to your children.
The Low-Conflict Divorce
If the conflict is low between you -- and this encompasses more than half of all divorces -- it's a different story. Despite your disappointment in the marriage, you share some mutual respect and common interests.
Perhaps you're divorcing because of long-standing loneliness or sexual deprivation, because you have lost respect for your partner, or because of alcoholism, drug abuse, or mental illness. There's a wide range of irreconcilable differences. If this describes your marriage, then you should consider the fact that preschoolers tend to have the hardest time at the breakup and sometimes many years afterward. Much depends on the quality of your child's life after the breakup. A good second marriage may or may not enable you to provide the care that your child needs.
With the risk of repeating myself, I want to emphasize that young children need a great deal of care from their parents. After divorce, many women who were able to stay home part-time with their babies are now required to re-enter the workforce full-time. Mothers who love taking care of their little ones with long bedtime rituals, reading together, and playing favorite games, find that they have to cut back these pleasurable activities not because they want to but because they no longer have the time or energy after a long day at work.
So if you can delay your divorce until your youngest child enters school and seems to be adjusting well, your decision will be easier on him. He'll have an interesting world outside your home and a school structure that supports activities and friendships that will keep him developmentally on target. As he begins to find his own interests and friends, you may be better able to protect him from feeling that he has lost more than he has gained with your divorce.
Vulnerable Ages
The second most vulnerable age for divorce is early adolescence, when children are developing rapidly and need a strong family to guide and protect them. If you have a preteen child in trouble -- failing at school or not keeping up with peers in some important regard -- I advise you to hesitate before getting a divorce. Your child may be too troubled to adjust to the demands of a post-divorce family. So before you make any moves, consider whether your child is developmentally on target. If not, try to get her some help before you embark on the divorce.
The bottom line is that if you can figure out how to protect your little one from feeling bereft after the breakup and your young adolescent from feeling unsupported, you will be starting the journey better prepared. But let's be realistic. People can't always prepare for divorce. Traumatic events can engulf families and spit them out in lawyers' offices with shocking speed.
If your partner has done something outrageous and intolerable and you're seething with anger, you're probably going to file for divorce no matter how old your children are or what I say about differences in ages. You won't be able to wait. If this happens to you, keep in mind the importance of maintaining the stability of care with young children and the special vulnerability of children entering adolescence. This is the time to call on your family and friends for help and to set up plans for the young children and young teenagers before you separate.
Staying Together for the Kids
People also ask me, "Is it bad for my children if I stay in an unhappy marriage? Or would they be better off if we divorce?" I'm afraid the answer to this is yes and no. The notion that your child is unhappy because you're unhappy is simply not true. If your external behavior looks normal and you really enjoy being a parent -- while your internal state is lonely or dying from boredom -- your child may not notice your unhappiness. Children can't read your internal state unless it shows up directly in your relationship with them. They have no key to your sex life. They're not mind readers. Moreover, they have no way to understand the complexity of your marital relationship. I'm afraid that children who have not yet reached adolescence cannot comprehend why a violent person just doesn't stop if they are asked to show some restraint. They have no clue as to why a person behaves badly when drunk.
The choice to divorce is always a subjective, personal decision. No one can tell you exactly what the future holds. It may bring the man or woman of your dreams. I've seen that happen to young and old adults alike, although your chances diminish with age because the market is smaller. I'm reminded of one woman in her 50s who divorced her husband because she had grown to hate him. Within six months, she met a kind, loving man at her church who was exactly what she wanted in a partner. My point is that no one can measure how unhappy you are or predict what new opportunities divorce will bring. Only you can weigh the balance of inner misery and satisfaction in your life. In fact, all of us probably know couples who don't love each other but find contentment in work, friends, and parenthood. Some may have given up the dream of romantic love or perhaps they never wanted a passionate relationship from the start. Clearly, disappointment in a marriage depends almost entirely on where you set your sights to begin with, and these are subject to change. One recent study of unhappy marriages found that many embattled but intact couples, five years later, were much happier and reported that their marriages were good. So it is important not to make critical decisions in the heat of your latest disappointments. Things may look very different if you wait a few months. You may change your mind altogether.
From your children's perspective, the decision to divorce relates to how your unhappiness is affecting your ability to be a good parent. If you and your spouse enjoy being parents and together maintain a moral and protected life for your children, then I think you should consider staying together. I know many couples who have taken this path. They take great pride in their children and have decided, on balance, that it was a good way for them to go. Some have discreet extramarital affairs when they are away from home. Others settle for the limited love and sexuality in the marriage that they have. But if your unhappiness dominates your life, then you have to ask yourself probingly if one or both of you will be better parents after divorcing. Will your children be better off? These are hard questions, but again, only you can know your pain and satisfaction, how these play out now in the lives of your children, and how they are likely to play out in the future. The familiar question -- "Is it better to stay married or not?" -- doesn't capture the many gradations or nuances of marriage. Nor does it touch on the source of marital problems and the extent to which they can be tolerated within an intact marriage.
On the other hand, if you feel humiliated, emotionally abused, mocked, and derided in your marriage, or just wake up miserable each day, you can use the divorce to take new pride in yourself. As an emancipated parent, you can become a far better role model and share with your children your new sense of freedom. You can take the opportunity to improve your life with knowledge that you didn't have when you were younger. You can become a new kind of adult who has had the courage to bring about change in your life and the lives of your children. A new world is ahead of you, and it's yours to define.
I hear this question every time I lecture to parents or participate on talk shows. People love their children, and they want to diminish any hurt from the divorce. They want to know whether there's an age when divorce is easier on children. What's the "best" time to divorce? The trouble is, there's no simple answer. It all depends on what's going on in your family, what kind of parents you are, how much you can cooperate, and also the age and temperament of your child.
First take a close look at what's happening in your family. If there's chronic violence at home, the answer is "the sooner the better," unrelated to the age of your child. By violence, I mean physical attack -- hitting, kicking, throwing objects -- or chronic threats of physical violence. Exposure to violence has serious consequences for a child's development that may last well into adulthood. They fear for your safety. They fear for themselves and their siblings.
If there's repeated high conflict in your marriage accompanied by yelling, screaming, and pounding the table, then I'd also say the sooner the better. Since there are no meaningful measures of high conflict, this judgment is highly subjective. Some families are reserved, others are operatic. But if you're in a marriage where almost every subject is material for another fierce argument, you know what I mean. In some high-conflict homes, serious differences between the partners are a recurrent theme in everyday life. In other marriages, fights erupt over insignificant issues -- a grocery bill, local politics, a bad report card -- leading to hurt and a sense of endless frustration. Like violence, high conflict is terrifying for children to witness because it creates a climate that leads to fear and trembling. In such an environment, a child can lose the capacity to trust, even to feel. The longer it goes on, the worse it will be.
Divorce in violent marriages provides important relief for one or both parents and can definitely help the children -- but not automatically. When children have witnessed violent behavior, they need therapy in addition to divorce. This is an extremely important recommendation. Children who have witnessed physical abuse in their families absolutely need help in assimilating new and healthier models for male-female relationships. Nor is divorce by itself enough for children who have grown up under conditions of high conflict. They, too, need therapy to help them resume their development without a distorted view of how people treat each other.
The parents who terminate such marriages also need help, not only to protect their children but to learn how to let go of their fear and anger. Divorce does not end fear in a person who has been victimized. Nor does rage go away. After a divorce, angry people often tend to continue fighting. But if you are in a violent or high-conflict marriage, you should keep in mind that anger has the potential to escalate when divorce is threatened or actually filed. While you may not be able to prevent anger from dominating your divorce proceedings, you can be aware of how hazardous the victim-perpetrator interaction is to your children.
The Low-Conflict Divorce
If the conflict is low between you -- and this encompasses more than half of all divorces -- it's a different story. Despite your disappointment in the marriage, you share some mutual respect and common interests.
Perhaps you're divorcing because of long-standing loneliness or sexual deprivation, because you have lost respect for your partner, or because of alcoholism, drug abuse, or mental illness. There's a wide range of irreconcilable differences. If this describes your marriage, then you should consider the fact that preschoolers tend to have the hardest time at the breakup and sometimes many years afterward. Much depends on the quality of your child's life after the breakup. A good second marriage may or may not enable you to provide the care that your child needs.
With the risk of repeating myself, I want to emphasize that young children need a great deal of care from their parents. After divorce, many women who were able to stay home part-time with their babies are now required to re-enter the workforce full-time. Mothers who love taking care of their little ones with long bedtime rituals, reading together, and playing favorite games, find that they have to cut back these pleasurable activities not because they want to but because they no longer have the time or energy after a long day at work.
So if you can delay your divorce until your youngest child enters school and seems to be adjusting well, your decision will be easier on him. He'll have an interesting world outside your home and a school structure that supports activities and friendships that will keep him developmentally on target. As he begins to find his own interests and friends, you may be better able to protect him from feeling that he has lost more than he has gained with your divorce.
Vulnerable Ages
The second most vulnerable age for divorce is early adolescence, when children are developing rapidly and need a strong family to guide and protect them. If you have a preteen child in trouble -- failing at school or not keeping up with peers in some important regard -- I advise you to hesitate before getting a divorce. Your child may be too troubled to adjust to the demands of a post-divorce family. So before you make any moves, consider whether your child is developmentally on target. If not, try to get her some help before you embark on the divorce.
The bottom line is that if you can figure out how to protect your little one from feeling bereft after the breakup and your young adolescent from feeling unsupported, you will be starting the journey better prepared. But let's be realistic. People can't always prepare for divorce. Traumatic events can engulf families and spit them out in lawyers' offices with shocking speed.
If your partner has done something outrageous and intolerable and you're seething with anger, you're probably going to file for divorce no matter how old your children are or what I say about differences in ages. You won't be able to wait. If this happens to you, keep in mind the importance of maintaining the stability of care with young children and the special vulnerability of children entering adolescence. This is the time to call on your family and friends for help and to set up plans for the young children and young teenagers before you separate.
Staying Together for the Kids
People also ask me, "Is it bad for my children if I stay in an unhappy marriage? Or would they be better off if we divorce?" I'm afraid the answer to this is yes and no. The notion that your child is unhappy because you're unhappy is simply not true. If your external behavior looks normal and you really enjoy being a parent -- while your internal state is lonely or dying from boredom -- your child may not notice your unhappiness. Children can't read your internal state unless it shows up directly in your relationship with them. They have no key to your sex life. They're not mind readers. Moreover, they have no way to understand the complexity of your marital relationship. I'm afraid that children who have not yet reached adolescence cannot comprehend why a violent person just doesn't stop if they are asked to show some restraint. They have no clue as to why a person behaves badly when drunk.
The choice to divorce is always a subjective, personal decision. No one can tell you exactly what the future holds. It may bring the man or woman of your dreams. I've seen that happen to young and old adults alike, although your chances diminish with age because the market is smaller. I'm reminded of one woman in her 50s who divorced her husband because she had grown to hate him. Within six months, she met a kind, loving man at her church who was exactly what she wanted in a partner. My point is that no one can measure how unhappy you are or predict what new opportunities divorce will bring. Only you can weigh the balance of inner misery and satisfaction in your life. In fact, all of us probably know couples who don't love each other but find contentment in work, friends, and parenthood. Some may have given up the dream of romantic love or perhaps they never wanted a passionate relationship from the start. Clearly, disappointment in a marriage depends almost entirely on where you set your sights to begin with, and these are subject to change. One recent study of unhappy marriages found that many embattled but intact couples, five years later, were much happier and reported that their marriages were good. So it is important not to make critical decisions in the heat of your latest disappointments. Things may look very different if you wait a few months. You may change your mind altogether.
From your children's perspective, the decision to divorce relates to how your unhappiness is affecting your ability to be a good parent. If you and your spouse enjoy being parents and together maintain a moral and protected life for your children, then I think you should consider staying together. I know many couples who have taken this path. They take great pride in their children and have decided, on balance, that it was a good way for them to go. Some have discreet extramarital affairs when they are away from home. Others settle for the limited love and sexuality in the marriage that they have. But if your unhappiness dominates your life, then you have to ask yourself probingly if one or both of you will be better parents after divorcing. Will your children be better off? These are hard questions, but again, only you can know your pain and satisfaction, how these play out now in the lives of your children, and how they are likely to play out in the future. The familiar question -- "Is it better to stay married or not?" -- doesn't capture the many gradations or nuances of marriage. Nor does it touch on the source of marital problems and the extent to which they can be tolerated within an intact marriage.
On the other hand, if you feel humiliated, emotionally abused, mocked, and derided in your marriage, or just wake up miserable each day, you can use the divorce to take new pride in yourself. As an emancipated parent, you can become a far better role model and share with your children your new sense of freedom. You can take the opportunity to improve your life with knowledge that you didn't have when you were younger. You can become a new kind of adult who has had the courage to bring about change in your life and the lives of your children. A new world is ahead of you, and it's yours to define.
This article has been excerpted from What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce
by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. A child psychologist as
well as the founder and executive director of the Center for Family in
Transition, Wallerstein has spent the last 30 years studying and
interviewing children of divorce and their parents. The results of her
research provide answers to the question: how can you protect your kids
during and after divorce? She shares these answers in this excellent,
highly readable book. You'll learn what you should say and do for
children at each age; how to be an effective co-parent; how to choose
the custody plan that's best for your kids; and what you need to know to
create a healthy remarriage.
You have some confusion about divorce we are here to help you call on 301-715-3838 or visit our web http://www.maryland-lawoffice.com
You have some confusion about divorce we are here to help you call on 301-715-3838 or visit our web http://www.maryland-lawoffice.com
Monday, May 2, 2011
Family Centered Divorce
How to find and choose the best possible advisors to help you.
Divorce is never easy on a family, but the use of divorce mediation, rather than the adversarial process, can enable divorcing couples to approach the divorce from a family-centered perspective, making constructive plans for parenting after divorce.
Through mediation, couples can learn to separate "spousal" issues from "parenting" issues, and work together as parents even though the marriage is ending. The process of working together helps parents to move beyond the vilification of one another – to become partners, rather than adversaries, in the continued parenting of their children. In divorce or post-divorce mediation, couples work toward a parenting plan that focuses mainly on the best interests of their children, rather than on their own wants and needs. Such a plan takes children's developmental needs into account and contains mechanisms for making adjustments over time.
In my mediation with couples, I often help them build a lot of "conflict prevention" models into their agreements. Since change is a given – kids grow, incomes change, parents move – we try to set up mechanisms for information-sharing and for making changes and adjustments over time. Couples often choose to establish regular times to meet together as parents for discussion of parenting issues and/or for renegotiating support issues as time, circumstances and the children's needs develop. This enables them to work together in making child-centered decisions that seem called for. It is a constructive alternative to an adversarial return to court each time an adjustment is needed. Through mediation, couples can approach the divorce process in a way that is family-supportive. The process seeks to help couples to develop a divorce agreement that is fair and acceptable to each and, most importantly, in the best interests of their children. This allows for all family members to move into the next phase of their lives in the best possible shape, beyond anger and hurt, and to leave the marriage "whole" to the greatest extent possible – emotionally and financially. In the process, where children are involved, they lay a strong foundation for working together post-divorce as parents (and, eventually, even grandparents!).
Through mediation, couples can address all issues relevant to the divorce: division of assets and debts, support issues and parenting. In working toward a mutually acceptable resolution of each issue, each person feels their needs and concerns addressed and feels supported by the process. As parents make post-divorce parenting arrangements, they are encouraged to place the child's needs foremost: to ensure that children have permission to love – and be loved – by both parents; to strive never to speak ill of one another in the presence of their children; and to refrain from engaging in conflict in the children's presence or from involving the children in their adult con-flits. Divorce is never easy on a family, but mediation enables couples to take the high road.
Pamela Britton White has been practicing divorce and family mediation full-time in the Pasadena area since 1986. View her Divorce Magazine profile here, or visit her website at www.PasadenaMediation.com here, or visit her website at
Mr. Rahul Kishore has been practicing divorce and family mediation full-time in the Rockville area. View his profile here, or visit his website at www.maryland-lawoffice.com
Divorce is never easy on a family, but the use of divorce mediation, rather than the adversarial process, can enable divorcing couples to approach the divorce from a family-centered perspective, making constructive plans for parenting after divorce.
Through mediation, couples can learn to separate "spousal" issues from "parenting" issues, and work together as parents even though the marriage is ending. The process of working together helps parents to move beyond the vilification of one another – to become partners, rather than adversaries, in the continued parenting of their children. In divorce or post-divorce mediation, couples work toward a parenting plan that focuses mainly on the best interests of their children, rather than on their own wants and needs. Such a plan takes children's developmental needs into account and contains mechanisms for making adjustments over time.
In my mediation with couples, I often help them build a lot of "conflict prevention" models into their agreements. Since change is a given – kids grow, incomes change, parents move – we try to set up mechanisms for information-sharing and for making changes and adjustments over time. Couples often choose to establish regular times to meet together as parents for discussion of parenting issues and/or for renegotiating support issues as time, circumstances and the children's needs develop. This enables them to work together in making child-centered decisions that seem called for. It is a constructive alternative to an adversarial return to court each time an adjustment is needed. Through mediation, couples can approach the divorce process in a way that is family-supportive. The process seeks to help couples to develop a divorce agreement that is fair and acceptable to each and, most importantly, in the best interests of their children. This allows for all family members to move into the next phase of their lives in the best possible shape, beyond anger and hurt, and to leave the marriage "whole" to the greatest extent possible – emotionally and financially. In the process, where children are involved, they lay a strong foundation for working together post-divorce as parents (and, eventually, even grandparents!).
Through mediation, couples can address all issues relevant to the divorce: division of assets and debts, support issues and parenting. In working toward a mutually acceptable resolution of each issue, each person feels their needs and concerns addressed and feels supported by the process. As parents make post-divorce parenting arrangements, they are encouraged to place the child's needs foremost: to ensure that children have permission to love – and be loved – by both parents; to strive never to speak ill of one another in the presence of their children; and to refrain from engaging in conflict in the children's presence or from involving the children in their adult con-flits. Divorce is never easy on a family, but mediation enables couples to take the high road.
Pamela Britton White has been practicing divorce and family mediation full-time in the Pasadena area since 1986. View her Divorce Magazine profile here, or visit her website at www.PasadenaMediation.com here, or visit her website at
Mr. Rahul Kishore has been practicing divorce and family mediation full-time in the Rockville area. View his profile here, or visit his website at www.maryland-lawoffice.com
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