Your Money's Worth

How to choose and work with financial professionals -- both during and after divorce.

During and after divorce, many people report that their standard of living decreases -- sometimes significantly. Unless you change your occupation for one with a higher paycheck, you'll have the same amount of income but more and higher expenses: where there once was one, there are probably now two homes, two cars, two sets of furniture, two sets of children's clothes and toys, etc. During your divorce, you need sound financial advice to ensure the settlement is fair to both parties; afterwards, you'll probably need help adjusting to your new circumstances and planning for a secure future. Here's an introduction to some of the financial professionals you may need -- along with some suggestions of how to find and work with them.

Certified Public Accountant

A Certified Public Accountant (CPA) can handle many of the financial aspects of your divorce. His or her responsibility is to calculate your net worth and your spouse's net worth, and to produce figures that are agreeable to both you and the courts. There are a number of accreditations given to accountants, and you'll find these designations after their name. Wading through the differences between someone who is a Certified Fraud Examiner (CFE), or a Board Certified Forensic Examiner (BCFE), or a member of the American Society of Appraisers (ASA), or who has a National Association of Certified Valuation Accreditation (NACVA), may seem a daunting task.

In most cases, you'll be looking for a CPA with practical experience in divorce matters. "Look for someone with good analytical skills and some background in forensic accounting so they will be able to ferret out the details behind what's on the face of the statement,"advises Diane Womack, a CPA, CFE, Certified Valuation Analyst (CVA), and director of the litigation consulting and bankruptcy service at Margolin, Winer, & Evens in Garden City, NY.

Finding an accountant

Usually the best and easiest way to find an accountant is through your lawyer. These two members of your "divorce team" will have to work closely together, so it's best to choose someone your lawyer is familiar with. "A recommendation from a lawyer who is well-respected and well-recognized in the community is a good place to start," says Jerry Lipman, a CPA, ABV, ASA (American Society of Appraisers), and the sole shareholder of Jerome H. Lipman and Company in Chicago. "You could also ask your personal accountant to suggest someone who has a matrimonial background." If you use an accountant to do your taxes, ask him or her to recommend a colleague who has experience with matrimonial law. "Trust your instincts at all times when deciding ... whether to use Accountant 'A' or Accountant 'B'," says Esther M. Berger, a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), the author of MoneySmart Divorce, and managing director of Berger & Associates, an investment advisory company in Beverly Hills. Look for someone honest and forthright, and who offers reasonable economic terms.

Certified Financial Planner

During and after the divorce process, you may need the services of a CFP. "We can help define financial goals and desires, and offer assistance with a broad range of financial planning," says Berger. "This assistance can be with anything from money and risk managment to estate or retirement planning."

The planner can work with an attorney representing one of the parties to help collect, organize, and analyze financial data, calculate long- and short-term needs, and prepare for meetings, hearings, and -- in some cases -- trial. A CFP can reduce the uncertainty about the future by forecasting the economic effects of alternative settlement proposals. For instance, a CFP can tell you what the economic consequences will be of "trading" the house for a pension, or of keeping one asset over another.

A CFP can also help you to adjust to a new fixed-income lifestyle, or assist with post-divorce tax, estate, or retirement planning. His or her job is to help you gain control of your financial future by developing a personalized plan with a time horizon and a solid investment strategy to help you towards financial stability for tomorrow.

After your divorce is final, a CFP can help you to become financially independent by assisting with money management and with long-term planning -- such as the kids' college tuition or your retirement fund.

If possible, interview two or three CFPs before choosing one. Remember, you could be working with this person for years to come, and you want to make sure you'll communicate well and feel comfortable with him or her. When you call to make the appointment, ask if the initial consultation is free. As with an accountant, ask questions about their experience, educational background, credentials, and fee structure.

Certified Divorce Planner

A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) is a relatively new kid on the block. This financial professional -- often also a CFP or a CPA -- has specialized skills and experience that enables him or her to analyze financial issues in divorce in their long-term context. "The divorce financial planner can help people going through divorce feel more secure about the choices they'll eventually make," says Carl M. Palatnik , Ph.D, CFP, CDFA, and a practitioner member and president of the Association of Divorce Financial Planners in private practice in Smithtown, NY. "They'll be more aware of the lifestyle changes they need to adopt to make a particular settlement work, able to reach workable settlements more quickly, and less likely to have to revisit support issues in the future."

Planners who have met specific education and experience requirements have been designated Practitioner Members by the Association of Divorce Financial Planners or Certified Divorce Financial Analysts by the Institute for Certified Divorce Financial Analysts. Both organizations maintain referral services.

Questions to ask a financial professional

Once you've set up an initial interview, here are some questions you should ask to make certain you're dealing with a competent professional -- and someone who's right for you:

• Have you worked with many lawyers?
  Ask for a few references and call them; you don't want to find out your accountant or planner has been moving around from firm to firm because of bad practices rather than exceptional skill.
• How many times have you been to court?
  Your accountant or planner may be testifying on your behalf about all your financial secrets, and you want someone who has a fair amount of experience in the courtroom. If possible, find out how these cases turned out.
• What do you think the outcome will be?
  Ask the accountant or planner to predict the process and estimate your general chances of getting what you want. What does he or she think is going to happen?
• How much are your services going to cost?
  This is an important question in any situation. Ask about the terms of payment, and when and how services will be billed. Some will bill you hourly or as the case progresses, and most will ask you for a retainer.

Remember that once a fee is agreed upon and a contract is signed, any additional fees should be by prior written agreement only. You may want to add this to any contract you sign, if it's not already there.

How to work with them

Use the initial interview to become comfortable with your accountant or planner and to learn what he or she will expect from you during the divorce process.

"This is usually where the accountant will work with the client to determine what they will be doing and what the client will be doing," says Diane Womack. "The accountant will also explain what a lifestyle analysis is and assess what the financial aspects of the case are."

There are several important documents your accountant or planner will need to see:

• personal tax returns for you and your spouse for the last five years
• books, records, financial statements, and tax returns for any businesses in which you or your spouse has an interest
• banking and credit-card statements
• mortgage statements
• telephone bills
• other records of major expenditures
• stocks, bonds, mutual funds, and equities
• retirement plans
• all insurance policies
• descriptions of your and your spouse's employee benefits
• your most recent pay stubs

You'll also need valuations or other paperwork detailing property you and you spouse own together or separately -- from the contents of a safety deposit box to the car to your home. Although you'll be dealing mainly with "big ticket items" here, if something is very important to you, make sure it's on your list. If a business is involved, brokerage statements or corporate minute books will also be required. Basically, your accountant or planner needs to see any major paperwork that involves the transaction of money -- for both you and your spouse.

Who's Who

What do those letters that follow the names of financial experts mean? Here are some common designations:

CBV: a chartered business valuator has credentials that include managing business accounts. If you need to know how much a business is worth, call a CBV.

CDFA: a certified divorce planner has passed a qualifications exam and is versed in the complexities of divorce finances.

CFE: a certified fraud examiner deals with complex financial situations, looking for hidden cash and financial manipulation. Call a CFE if you suspect your ex of foul financial play.

CFP: a certified financial planner will help you improve your overall financial health, from taxes to budgeting. If you want to sort out your finances over the long term, both during and after divorce, look for a CFP.

CPA: a certified public accountant is qualified to express opinions on financial statements and is often involved in the planning and preparation of income tax filings. A CPA can make judgments regarding the quality and reliability of a company's books and records -- which can be very helpful in divorce cases. CPAs have passed a nationally-administered test, and are licensed by individual state accountancy bodies.

CVA: a certified valuation analyst can place a value on a business.

EA: an enrolled agent has been authorized by the IRS to specialize in tax issues.

PFS: a personal financial specialist is a designation given out by the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants to those who are already CPAs and who have at least three years of experience in dealing with personal finances. A PFS can help you improve your tax situation -- and your financial future.

What is Mediation? How to Handled Shah & Kishore

Family Mediation

• What is Mediation?
• Mediation is defined as an intervention between conflicting parties to promote reconciliation, settlement or compromise. Mediation is a form of ADR (alternative dispute resolution).
• With respect to family law, at Shah and Kishore mediation is done by an unbiased, neutral, third party lawyer who represents the interests of both parties. The mediator is a trained professional who will help both parties agree to terms that are beneficial for all involved.
• The goal of a mediator is to effectively identify any issues or disputes that can be solved during a mediation session, open the pathway of communication up for both parties to ensure productivity, present practical working solutions and instill a spirit of cooperation that will lend way to an agreement created not by the mediator, but by the parties themselves.
• Who is the mediator at Shah and Kishore?
• Our main partner Mr. Rahul Kishore is a trained mediator, he has a law degree and he has been practicing Family Law for 15 years. He has been trained in collaborative law too. He has an MBA (Masters of Business Administration) which allows him to analyze all types of financial issues that tie in with family law issues.
• Why Mediation?
• While mediation is not for everyone, it provides a good alternative to expensive litigation fees in a process that usually only has one winner. In mediation both parties can leave winners.
• Mediation helps to preserve family relationships but allowing both sides an opportunity to effectively communicate their goals and terms of engagements. It opens the door for compromise, a tool necessary in protecting families, especially those with children. Parties are less likely to leave bitter and the chance of issues being revisited or changed at a later date decrease.
• Furthermore, mediation is less about the courts and more about the clients as individuals. Terms and agreements can be drafted out by the clients themselves and fashioned in a way that makes sense and is agreeable to them without the hassle of the legal court system.
• Who should consider going through Mediation?
• Mediation works best for couples who are considering separating or getting a divorce, parents who are determining custody and visitation rights for their children, couples who plan to go through a reconciliation post – divorce and/or couples who are preparing to enter into a marriage and foresee issues.
• What does the mediation process look like?
• Both parties will agree to a date and time to hold their mediation appointment.
• The mediator will introduce himself and then set up ground rules and general information about the proceedings for the session. These rules will help ensure that the line of communication is uninterrupted between both parties. It will also help ensure that in the interest of preserving friendly relations and relationships, feelings do not become hurt or offended.
• After ground rules are set up, the mediator gives both parties the chance to explain the problem and share their story. This gives each party the chance to talk without fear of being interrupted or condemned. This is also a chance for each party to share their emotional feelings on the matter and not just a restatement of the facts behind their issues.
• After both parties have had the opportunity to share the mediator will ask questions to both parties regarding the issues and their statements. These open-ended questions will continue to help both sides learn about the emotional feelings the other party may be feeling with regards to the issue. It will also foster understanding between the two parties and make reaching an agreement smoother and easier for all.
• In trying to reach an agreement, the mediator will meet with both parties together or he might have to meet with the parties individuallyat times to help negotiating and cooperation.
• He will try to draft up an agreement that is amicable to both parties and includes resolutions to all of the issues discussed in the sessions.
• It is a good idea for both parties to have the agreement looked over by an attorney before agreeing to it.
• Who Pays for Mediation?
• In the spirit of cooperation and communication, the parties themselves will determine how best to split the mediation costs. Both parties utilize one mediator and therefore must find a fair and beneficial way to split the costs of this service.
• What if we don’t reach an agreement?
• Mediation isn’t for everyone. Should you not be able to work out your dispute through mediation Shah and Kishore will refer you to trained attorneys in family law who will offer you legal advice for whatever pathway you choose in the court system.
• Litigation, though more expensive, provides resolutions to disputes that cannot be solved through combined efforts and shared communication. Litigation can solve matters of divorce, separation, alimony, child custody, child visitation and child support.
If you need the help of a Mediator to settle your dispute, don’t hesitate, call Shah and Kishore at (301)-315-0001 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              (301)-315-0001      end_of_the_skype_highlighting or Visit us on the web at http://www.maryland-lawoffice.com

How To Have "The Perfect Divorce" For Your Family

The Perfect Divorce

Your family is going to look different after divorce, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Here are ten steps to help you re-create your family as a happy, functional, two-home family post-divorce.

I have been asked frequently how my family has such a great relationship. People are often astonished by the incredible relationship I have with Javier, my former husband. They have recommended others speak to me, because I had what they called the "perfect divorce". This always made me smile, because I came to realize that I did indeed have the perfect divorce. It led me to where I am now and sent me on an inward healing journey.
The reality of my divorce is that it was no different from most marriages that end. We had tremendous feelings of loss, fear, anger, hurt, and sadness. However, my current relationship with my children's father functions almost like a marriage. It requires time, consideration, and clear communication because we are still a family; we are a two-home family. I finally realized that even after our divorce, my children's father and I would be together forever; we would be grandparents together. I know both of us would wish to remain very much a part of our children's lives. This key realization led me to imagine a vision for what I wanted to create in my family.
The following steps illustrate the path I took to re-create my family after divorce and get back to a place of love.
Step 1
The first step in the re-creation process is setting intentions for who you are and what you want. You must decide and declare this to the universe to receive support for your vision. Do not confuse setting an intention with setting a goal for success. This is about who you are, not what you do. It is important to understand the ramifications of focusing your thoughts and energies in a direction. If you want to see your intentions, look at the results of your life. This practice erodes the power of excuses, "victim" or otherwise, that we often use. This is the moment to claim the power of responsibility and to create consciously. There are no limits to this power. The impact of setting an intention is enormous. The universe cannot respond to you until you give it direction. We are made up of energy: our thoughts are energy we send out into the world. The universe will respond to the energy we send out. Your thoughts create your reality. and a thought can be changed.
Step 2
The next step is letting go of the old vision of your family. Human beings want three things: to be loved, to belong and to be valued. A divorce puts all three in question and is therefore an enormous, painful rupture. We must process the loss that occurs at the end of a marriage. There is grief, and we must let ourselves feel this sadness fully in order to let it go. We had expectations of what our love relationships would bring to us. After a divorce, it is time to let this old vision go, in order to move forward in a healthy way. We must acknowledge and deal with any fear that might arise with the enormous changes we are going through.
One way to release anger and hurt is to step into your partner's shoes. Try to see your relationship from his/her perspective. This exercise is not to judge him/her but to understand where they have come from and what they might be feeling. The objective is to move from anger to compassion. Often, we find they were feeling the same things that we have been feeling. I no longer felt angry toward my husband when I took the time to see his perspective. Somewhere under the anger is hurt, and beneath that is the feeling of being unloved. If we can get to this level the real work can begin.
Step 3
An enormous part of the re-creating process is learning to accept the gifts of a relationship. In order to do this, we must first take responsibility for our part in a relationship. We, just as our partners, are responsible for what we create. Just after my divorce, I blamed Javier for most of the hurt and anger I was experiencing. I now know I contributed to the nature of our relationship. Taking responsibility for myself meant making it safe to really look at who I had been in my marriage. Only by doing this work could I truly move forward, begin to heal, and then make changes. I'd had many fears and unrealistic expectations of what marriage would bring. This had greatly impacted my relationship with Javier. I realized that he and I mirrored each other emotionally. We attract those who mirror who we are or our beliefs about ourselves. The presentation might be somewhat different, but there will be similarities between ourselves and our mates.
We must understand why we chose the mates we have. Only through understanding ourselves and our needs can we begin to heal the part of us that was open to this experience -- and insure that we will not have to experience this rupture again.
Step 4
Getting back to a place of love requires forgiveness. Most people assume this is for the other person's benefit, but it is for our own. Forgiveness frees us from pain and anger. If we do not let go of the past, we carry that negativity into all our present relationships including our primary relationship with our children. If we do not process anger and release it over time, it can make our physical bodies ill and take away our power to be fully present in our lives. Forgiveness helped my parenting partner and me to move forward. I no longer blamed either one of us for my actions. Instead, I began to have compassion for who we were when we were married. This helped us to re-create our relationship in a positive manner without the past continually coming between us.
Step 5
Re-creating families after divorce requires releasing old labels and mindsets. We must reform our often negative views on divorce and consider the unlimited possibilities of re-creating in a positive way. Much of the judgment toward divorce stems from an attachment to form and arbitrary numbers. We have collectively agreed that long-term marriages are better than short-term marriages, regardless of whether they are fulfilled or happy. A relationship is not diminished in value due to its ending. When a marriage ends, it does not preclude a meaningful relationship between the two people involved. However, it must be acknowledged that this is a choice.
A crucial part of creating change is support. Creating change requires commitment, attention, and focus. A key element is a support system of some kind. This may be a formal group led by a professional, a church group or your own family who can support your vision and help you stay on your path. My family and friends were integral to my successfully re-creating my family. I shared with them the vision I had and asked them for help in getting to a positive place. They helped as much as possible during challenging times to keep me focused on my long-term plans.
Step 6
A crucial element to re-creating is letting our children know what is about to happen and what changes will occur in their lives. This can be one of the most challenging steps for parents to take. We often fear hurting our children and will delay communicating with them for long periods of time. Children need to know what is happening in their families in order to know what to expect. They are intuitive people, and they know when things are well and when they are not. When we share the truth with our children (without adult details), the children will know they can rely on their parents to protect them and prepare them for whatever lies ahead. This lays the ground work for trust in a parent/child relationship.
Our children must continue to feel they are a part of a family. They need to feel loved and valued. In order to give this gift to our children, we must first create it for ourselves. We cannot give what we do not have to offer. When we can accept ourselves and our past marriage partners with love and compassion, we can show our children the way by example.
Step 7
Once we have shared the truth with our children, we need to honor their feelings and reactions. I discovered early on that my children would need to process the changes occurring in their lives just as I did. When my children express anger or sadness over our living arrangements, I use reflective listening skills and allow their feelings to be their experience in that moment. In order to do this I repeat what the children have said in my own words to let them know I have understood them. Children, like adults, need to have their experiences validated. Feelings are neutral, and it is natural to experience a wide range of emotions. Our job as parents is to teach our children how to move through the moment and process emotions rather than judging them. What we most want when we are upset is to be heard. Teaching our children to express their emotions enables them to release them instead of repressing them.
Step 8
Families experiencing divorce often face the possibility of new partners joining our families. When Javier became involved in a serious relationship with Ingrid, we all went through a change. I realized that my choices would greatly affect the road our relationship would take. I chose not to compete with this new woman who was joining my family. This immediately opened the door for Ingrid and my children to establish their own relationship together. It also helped her and me to forge our own positive relationship. Our choices of accepting and working with new partners will have an enormous impact on our lives. I believe our feelings toward another often reflects how we feel about ourselves. One woman in my workshop realized that she would have a stronger bond with her family by embracing her parenting partner's new wife than by resisting her.
The language we use to describe our families has a big impact. Do we use terms such as "broken homes" or "failed marriages," or demean our parenting partners? All of these negative terms will have a negative effect on our thoughts and, subsequently, our emotions. When we go through a divorce, we often succumb to a scarcity mentality, feeling as though there is not enough of anything. This can lead us to act in negative ways, even when this might affect our children. We often fear three things: there is not enough money, time, or love. We then fight over money, material belongings, custody, and the addition of new partners. An important part of my healing after my divorce was to work on releasing these fears and creating a new thought pattern. My new mantras were: there is enough love, there is enough time, and there is enough money. This practice greatly altered my thoughts, my emotions and my subsequent behaviors. The absence of fear freed me to create in a more positive way.
Step 9
The next step to re-creating your life after divorce is getting in touch with yourself and understanding who you really are. It is important to take care of ourselves just as we take care of our children. If we do not take care of our spiritual, mental, and physical needs, we will not be giving our children a healthy model nor insuring our continued ability to take care of them. The practice of self-care is one of the most challenging to do really well or consistently. I speak about this in every class I teach, really stressing its importance, yet self-care can be the first thing I omit when I have increased stress or become overwhelmed. This is when we most need good care. The patterns that we continue to re-create in our lives exemplify the level of belief in ourselves and the existence of self-love. We seem to spend most of our lives trying to change the image we have of ourselves. Our views are often shown to us in the partners we choose to share life with us. We must learn to thank these partners because they can teach us well about ourselves if we take the time to understand the information revealed. Even though a marriage ends, it can still offer many gifts.
Step 10
This step is the culmination of all the previous steps. This is the knowledge that it is about the journey and not the final destination. Creating a healthy relationship requires time and dedication, but it is possible. Often, our relationships are cyclical in nature, moving through many different stages and cycles, and still we must have our intentions to help guide the way. I have learned so much about myself by sharing life with my parenting partner, Javier. I have discovered many wonderful things about myself. I have learned to shine light on the parts I wanted to hide because I thought they were unlovable. After doing this, I suddenly realized there are no parts that are worth hiding. I have changed how I create in certain ways, because the old patterns no longer work for me. I can release old patterns of expectations, because my needs are no longer the same as when I was married. I am still learning to re-create with my parenting partner, and I continue to learn about myself through this experience with him. I am grateful for this life experience, which has challenged me to grow, move forward, and create a vision for myself. I have learned to respect and love myself and to offer this to others in my life. This is my journey.
Karen Winter is the author of What Would Love Do Now?, a book designed to help ex-spouses create a happy two-home family for themselves and their children. Sharing her personal experiences with divorce, Winter encourages you to re-examine your relationship with your ex-spouse, and to take responsibility: both for the part you played in your marriage breakdown and for the part you can play in creating a great co-parenting relationship post-divorce.

Divorce Prevention Best Tips

Valentine's Day Tips

After years of collecting stories about the best and the worst ways to handle marriage, separation, and divorce, the editors at Shah & Kishore have decided to offer some of their best tips about divorce prevention -- just in time for Valentine's Day. "February 15 is one of the busiest days in a divorce lawyer's calendar," says Rahul Kishore, Partner of Shah & Kishore and www.maryland-lawoffice.com. "Maybe some of these tips will help improve our readers' current relationships to the point where they're willing to try to work things out -- or perhaps the tips will help ensure that their future relationships will be happy and fulfilling."

1. Make time to connect lovingly with your spouse every day.
A couple can significantly improve their chances of marital success by devoting as little as 15 minutes a day exclusively to each other. For instance, choose to go to bed a little earlier and wake up a little earlier, and spend the extra time in bed cuddling, making love, and reaffirming your love for each other. Take time every day to have meaningful conversations with each other; to listen with the same intensity as when you were dating; to touch, hug, and show affection; to tell each other how you feel about your marriage; and to talk about your goals for the marriage and your lives.

2. Compliment your spouse regularly -- both in private and in front of others.
Even if your partner seems embarrassed or shrugs it off at first, the glow from sincere praise lasts a long time.

3. Love your spouse in the way he/she wants to be loved.
We often make the mistake of assuming that the things that touch our hearts the most deeply will affect our partner in the same way. For instance, you may think red roses are the perfect Valentine's Day gift, but to your spouse, they represent a waste of money and an allergy attack. If you don't already know, find out what your spouse yearns for, and then deliver it with love -- and no comments about how "stupid" it is to want a cordless drill/a picnic on the living room floor/a tuna casserole, etc. Remember: the best gift is something your spouse wants -- not merely something you want him/her to have.

4. Take care of your appearance.
Look your best for your spouse: he/she deserves it. Lose the ratty sweat pants or frayed sweater he/she hates so much; you can find other comfortable clothing that aren't a complete turn-off for your partner. This also means taking care of your health .

5. Remain faithful.
Dr. Finnegan Alford-Cooper studied 576 couples who had been married for 50 years or more; she released her findings in a book entitled For Keeps: Marriages that Last a Lifetime. In her study, she found that 95% of the spouses agreed that fidelity was essential to a successful marriage, and 94% agreed or strongly agreed that marriage is a long-term commitment to one person. And these "lifers" weren't making the best of a bad lot: a whopping 90% of the couples she surveyed said that they were happily married after 50+ years.

6. Do things together.
Another common factor of long-term happy marriages is that the spouses regularly do things together that they find fun and exciting. Whether that's ballroom dancing, bowling, playing cards, SCUBA diving, or skiing, participate in at least one activity that you both enjoy every week. If you have kids, make sure at least half of these activities are for you and your spouse only.

7. Spend time apart.
You take a pottery course while your spouse plays hockey; you play bridge and your partner collects stamps. You don't have to love everything your partner loves, but you do have to allow him/her the freedom to pursue cherished hobbies. An added bonus is that separate interests can generate interest between you.

8. Be friends with your partner.
According to John Gottman -- a psychology professor who claims his research will predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will stay together -- the key to marital happiness and success is friendship. Some of the most important aspects of this type of friendship are knowing each other intimately, demonstrating affection and respect for each other on a daily basis, and genuinely enjoying each other's company. Gottman based his findings on 25 years of marital research, which he presented in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

9. The Terms of Endearment.
Top Los Angeles divorce attorney Stacy D. Phillips says flowers, candy, cards, and gifts are all wonderful tokens of love on Valentine's Day, but if you really want your romance to last, you must practice some marriage-saving steps. She advises couples to spell out the basics of their relationship in a yearly contract -- or at least to clarify them. "Most disputes that break up marriages are over sex and money," she says. "Don't let surprises lead to trouble. Marriage is like any other contract: its terms and conditions must be reviewed and updated. Right before an anniversary is a perfect time, and Valentine's Day reminds you to be flexible and that you have to give to receive."

10. Say "I love you" every day.
This is especially important when you're not feeling the sensation of love; at these times, you have to actively generate it. Saying those three little words, and performing loving gestures, will warm both your and your spouse's hearts.

Sex and Divorce Relationships

Coping with divorce and the prospect of new sexual relationships can be emotionally challenging, to say the least. Here's a look at some of the pitfalls and opportunities you'll encounter as you rebuild your sex life.

When it comes to divorce and new relationships, there's a memorable line from the 1989 Rob Reiner film, When Harry Met Sally. Soon-to-be-married Marie and Jess have each just gotten off the phone from consoling their single friends, Harry and Sally, who are suffering the tremors of emotional uncertainty brought on by the aftermath of their first sexual encounter together. Afterward, Marie turns to Jess and pleads: "Please tell me I will never have to be out there again!"

That we understand this sentiment should come as no surprise. When married, our sexual routine was a safe bet. We either had sex or we didn't. We were familiar with our partner's moves, and we knew what was expected of us. Whatever else it may have been, it was safe. And our needs were -- to varying extents, depending on the partnership -- being met. After a break-up, however, things are neither "safe" nor predictable. We're not only dealing with a painful recovery process, but we're also wondering if we'll ever have a satisfying relationship -- or whether we'll be able to love or be loved -- again.

Sex and divorce are two of the most emotionally potent subjects of our time. When combined, they create a psychological cocktail with all the portents of both ecstasy and hangover, of pleasure and pain, of risk and failure. And, as with any strong elixir, the subliminal message reads: handle with care.

Unless you left your ex for someone else, break-up usually means being single again. And being single again means that you're going to face, in one way or another, the potential of new relationships and their inherent sexuality. And sexuality, for all the self-help manuals that have proliferated in North America over the last few decades, still remains a mystery to some extent. Sex is the private poetry that flows between two individuals -- even if only for the moment -- carrying with it a unique signature of communication at its most intimate. It's a physical and emotional union where our most primal expressions of self are laid bare to another being.

Divorce, on the other hand, no matter how common it has become in our society, is still a painful psychological process of denial and acceptance, grief and growth, death and rebirth. How is one to manage both the pain of divorce and the uncertainty of new sexual encounters when dealing with one comes so close upon the heels of the other? Coping with divorce and the prospect of intimate sexual relationships thereafter is like having each foot in a different camp: which deserves the most attention?

The answer lies in finding the root that connects them both: in dealing with one issue, you ultimately find yourself dealing with both. And in order to begin that process, you need to examine the dynamics of the partnership that's ended and identify a starting point uniquely your own.

Being out in the cold

According to Jill Fein, a certified Imago relationship therapist and LCSW practicing in Lincolnwood, IL, some people want to get right back on the horse after splitting up with their spouse -- and the sooner, the better. "It's a way to reassure themselves that they're still desirable," she says. "Others are very cautious: they want to protect themselves from ever being hurt again. Many clients have told me they'd love to be in a relationship if there were a guarantee they wouldn't get hurt. But opening your heart to someone is a risk -- and it's the risk you have to take if you want to be in a relationship."

There's absolutely no doubt that the prospect of new sexual relationships is going to bring emotional issues related to your break-up to the forefront. If you have unresolved hurt or anger, these are going to affect your sexuality and your ability to become involved in a fulfilling manner. Post-divorce sex can either salt the existing wounds or be a loving, satisfying experience; it depends on where you are on your "healing curve."

Being dumped can bring on low self-esteem, feelings of personal failure, rejection, and abandonment. And these will have a tremendous impact on how you perceive your sexual attractiveness and the way you interact sexually. In addition, there's still a considerable divide between men and women with respect to sexual objectives and attitudes that govern sexual behavior.

Looking for Mr./Ms. Goodbar

Feelings of abandonment or rejection can manifest themselves in a number of ways. You could experience some sexual inhibitions and feel fearful of sexual contact, since rejection can have a debilitating effect on your sense of inner self and body image. Alternatively, you could use your sexuality as a vehicle to act out your anger and to regain a sense of control, or as an attention-getting device, attempting to repair your damaged self-esteem.

A woman who has been left by her spouse often loses much of her self-confidence and self-esteem, notes Toronto-based individual and marital therapist Karen Solomon-Ament. "She needs to feel love and acclamation, and so she'll have sex with the guy who gives her attention and fulfills her immediate need. Then she wakes up the next morning hating herself. It can also be a way of retaliating from being in a relationship where she felt impotent, neglected, or rejected." Of course, men can end up on this emotional rollercoaster, too.

Solomon-Ament says that this is really a form of self-sabotage: that by using casual sex specifically to deal with unresolved issues, you're only effecting a temporary cure that carries one hell of an emotional hang-over -- not to mention the physical dangers of having sex with someone you don't know well. Your self-esteem and sense of self-worth continue to be assaulted the "morning after," and you're actively denying yourself all of the joy and fulfillment of a loving sexual relationship.

Sex with your ex

Many couples who've split up avoid the whole prospect of being out in the cold by continuing to have a sexual relationship even though the relationship is over. It's a way of remaining in the safe, secure sexual environment we know and delaying the inevitable plunge into the unknown singles market. Therapists, however, are quick to point out that it "ain't over 'till it's over." In other words, while sex with your ex can provide a wonderful release, you need to let go sexually in order to fully heal, grow, and move on to a new life. And that won't happen until you and your ex can agree to stay out of each other's beds.

Sharon admits to having an on-again, off-again affair with her ex-husband, Dave, for four years after they split up. "Every time we'd make love, I'd think 'This feels so great -- he must want to get back together with me.' And each time, I ended up hurt and disappointed, because all he wanted was the sex." The last time they slept together, Dave told her he was engaged to someone else. "It was like a cold bucket of water in the face," Sharon remembers. "I asked him how he could cheat on his fiancée, and he replied that it wasn't really cheating if it was just with me." She suddenly realized that he intended to go on having sex with her even after his marriage to another woman, and that she had to terminate their sexual relationship if she wanted to get over him and move on with her life. "It was a bit like getting divorced again -- really sad and painful," she says. "And it took Dave years to stop making passes at me whenever I'd see him; he just couldn't believe that I was never going to sleep with him again."

Abusive marriages

If you've left behind an abusive marriage, there are probably a number of very deep emotional issues that need to be tackled before you should consider starting an intimate, sexual relationship. The main risk of entering into new relationships lies in repeating an established pattern: the relationship may be new, but your role as a victim will be all too familiar.

"Before getting into a new relationship, you should consider therapy," advises Debra Burrell, a New York psychotherapist who provides "Mars-Venus" counseling and workshops based on the work of Dr. John Gray. "Make sure you're not the same person who was the victim in the abusive relationship. You need to learn how to spot the warning signs early on, and how to attract a different type of mate."

Burrell emphasizes that unresolved emotional issues stemming from an abusive marriage can result in the individual finding themselves in the same type of toxic relationships over and over again.

Sexually repressed marriages

When coming from a sexually repressed marriage, there are two common reactions: to choose another partner with low sexual requirements; or to get out there and make up for lost time! If you felt sex-starved by an unresponsive marital partner, then you're going to have a great deal of pent-up urges that want expression. And finding a sexually responsive partner can open up a whole new realm of joy.

There are risks, however, to becoming sexually active immediately following a break-up. Burrell points out that you're not likely to be very discriminating at this stage, and that you'll only become more discerning with time. The difference between sexual experimentation as acting-out behavior -- as opposed to the positive enjoyment of one's freedom -- depends on a number of psychological factors. Whether or not it's okay to "go out and play" for a while depends on you: your background, religious beliefs, and personal history.

"If you're inclined to have sex immediately after break-up, you need to accept that it's raw sex," says Solomon-Ament. "It's primal. Sex for its own sake is okay as long as it's consenting and not abusive or destructive to either partner."

And remember to have safe sex each and every time you sleep with someone. You can't tell whether someone has a sexually transmitted disease (STD) by looking at them: nice people get AIDS and herpes, too. If you don't know what safe sex is (and you may not after a long-term, monogamous marriage), ask your doctor about safe-sex practices, or get a book such as Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer or The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex and read all about it before having sex with a new partner.

Most therapists agree that it takes a minimum of one to two years to heal from a divorce. You're extremely vulnerable after a break-up, so if you're not sure about whether you really want to have sex, or why you are having sex, it's best to wait until you know.

Performance anxiety and inhibitions

Sexual performance anxiety in men is not uncommon after divorce. If this is the case, visit a physician to find out whether there's a physical cause for your impotence. If physical problems have been ruled out, consider seeking help from a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. Non-organic impotence can be caused by anxiety or guilt: it often emerges when the relationship has not had a final ending or closure; or when it has broken down because the man's wife was cheating on him; or sometimes even if the man was the one who did the cheating.

Interestingly, though not surprisingly, men often try and work their problems out themselves rather than going for help. For health reasons, however, men suffering from impotence should find out whether the cause is organic or non-organic with the help of a medical practitioner. Then, when they're ready, they can choose to seek help from a doctor or therapist.

Jill Fein suggests that anyone who has been in a long-term partnership may feel some sexual inhibition with a new partner. "It's normal to have inhibitions after divorce," she says. "There's the fear of being naked in front of someone new -- to leave the security of being with someone who has seen you change over the years."

If you're used to a sexual routine in which the ability to please and be pleased has been mapped out by experience, you'll be facing a whole new set of questions, such as: "What's expected of me now?" "Is there anything more about sex I should know?" or "What kind of sexual behavior is considered acceptable?" These concerns should eventually subside through the process of learning and sharing with a new sexual partner.

"There's a terrible embarrassment about revealing yourself after years and years of marriage," says Monica Morris, the author of Looking for Love in Later Life (Avery Publishing). "Both men and women feel like this. Men are afraid they won't measure up, that they won't be able to deliver -- especially older men, although younger men also experience this... Sex is such a problem for men. Either they have an erection, or they don't -- there's no faking it."

Sexual inhibitions in a woman can have a great deal to do with negative body image. Becky Wilborn, president of the Diet Center in Manhattan, points out that being -- or even feeling -- overweight affects every area of a woman's life: including her vitality, self-expression, and self-esteem. While she is taking part in the sexual act, this woman's mind is likely to be engaged with thoughts such as: "I hope he doesn't see this part of my body, or that part..." rather than concentrating on pleasure. Before she can truly enjoy and wholeheartedly participate in sex, she needs to deal with her body-image issues.

Body Image and Sex

Our body image is what is triggered in our minds when we look in the mirror: how we perceive and feel about ourselves. And there are huge gender differences. Although things are changing, says Wilborn, generally speaking, women are more concerned about appearance and body weight than men. Women are trained from childhood to believe that their appearance is extremely important and they must invest considerable time, effort, and expense in maintaining it if they want to be happy and successful.

Poor body image almost inevitably translates into bad sex. If you're trying to flatten your stomach or worried about how your thighs look, for example, you're unlikely to derive much pleasure from the sex act. Dr. Thomas Cash, a researcher into the link between body image and sex at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA has found that women who like the way they look reach orgasm more frequently than those who were preoccupied with their "physical defects": they reported reaching orgasm 73% of the time compared with only 42% for women with a negative body image.

Very often, weight gain in a woman is a substitute "problem" for an underlying emotional issue she doesn't want to deal with. For example, if she's been hurt by a painful break-up and she's terrified about her future prospects, she might gain weight out of a subconscious wish to become "undesirable" and thereby protect herself from having to face the pain and fear of rejection.

Wilborn, who estimates that 75% of her clients are women, points out that some women start to gain weight before a break-up to avoid sex with their husbands, from whom they feel emotionally estranged. "For some, the extra weight is there because of intimacy issues: the weight is a cushion protecting her from having to have sex with her husband. After a divorce, being overweight can be a barrier between a woman and a new relationship."

Even a stunning woman can have a poor body image; she feels ugly or undesirable, and that translates into a negative energy that she sends out to men. Most women and men, whether they realize it or not, are attracted to a person's energy far more than their physiology. The key to positive sexual energy is truly accepting and loving yourself -- and that includes your body.

Ask yourself: "How do I feel about my body?" If the answer is a list of dislikes and complaints, then you can be pretty sure you have a self-esteem or body-image problem. The first step to renovating your poor self-image is to identify the belief that's responsible for it, figure out where this belief came from, and deal with the experience that caused it. If you're having trouble figuring out the original "trigger" for your negative thoughts, try writing a history of your body: how it looked from early childhood to present day. Maybe your dislike of your body began with a teenage case of acne, or with a sudden weight gain when you started taking birth-control pills, or with a critical boyfriend. Pick up a copy of The Body Image Workbook: An 8-Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks by Thomas F. Cash, Ph.D. for help.

Men are not immune from feelings of low self-esteem or poor body image, either. "Men feel very much like this, too," says Monica Morris. "Especially older men, although younger men also experience this. They're afraid they won't measure up, that they won't be able to deliver. This seems to be a constant problem with men at any age."

What men want

There's an old saying that sex is emotional for women and physical for men. Although it's dangerous to make generalizations about the way all men are, researchers have found that men are aroused mainly through their senses: particularly through sight, although sound and smell play their parts, too. And, as male arousal tends to be generated by physiological rather than psychological stimuli, men are far more likely than women to be ready for sex very soon after divorce.

The impetus to get involved again can be strengthened by a man's need to fill the emotional gap that has been created by loss of a partner: having sex means that men can be intimate without having to talk about their feelings. It's also a validation of their egos, which is especially important when the ego is bruised. Hence, many men are interested in having sex as early as the first date. "Sleeping around to build up self-esteem is a common mistake," says Debra Burrell. "They're seeking attention to make them feel loved and lovable, but ultimately, it always backfires."

Frank asked his wife for a divorce after he discovered that she had been cheating on him with one of his best friends for over a year. He felt deeply betrayed and hurt by both of them, and ended up having a string of one-night stands in an effort to reassure himself about his attractiveness to women -- and to make himself feel better. "At first, it was great," he says. "Going to bed with different women made me feel like some kind of stud -- and I was also trying to rub my ex's nose in the fact that I had multiple sex partners. But after a while, I realized that sex with virtual strangers was not ultimately fulfilling: sure, I wanted sex, but I also wanted to fall asleep with my arms around a woman I loved."

Frank discovered that he missed the emotional intimacy and touching of marriage as much as he missed the sex, and decided to stop sleeping around until he found someone with whom he really "connected." He also started going for regular therapeutic massages, which he found lowered his stress level and filled some of his need to be touched by another human.

For men, a desire to have sex doesn't necessarily translate into a desire for a relationship. For women, however, having sex tends to have different, more powerful implications.

What women want

Women are more likely to glean a sense of being loved from non-sexual behaviors -- having flowers bought for them, receiving loving letters, or having a man demonstrate his feelings through appreciative gestures -- than through the mere act of having sex. They're also more likely to want to sort out their post-divorce issues before getting involved sexually again.

For women, sex is usually more than physical gratification. It's an emotional investment -- what Jill Fein calls "opening your heart." Most men are able to walk away after sex and go about their business without a second thought, but women are left wondering where they stand. If her break-up is very fresh, the potential damages of becoming involved sexually far outweigh the potential benefits.

Respecting these differences makes sense, especially for women. Hence, a good rule of thumb should be: "What's the hurry?"

Learning to trust again

Having sex can be one of the most intimate acts we can share as human beings. By its very nature, the sexual act makes us vulnerable to one another. And divorce has everything to do with the loss of our faith, idealism, and our trust in others and in relationships. Getting involved again is about learning to trust once more and, before we can do that, we must first heal, deal with our emotional issues, and get a positive sense of self.

Whatever you're doing sexually, it should feel good, have a sense of "rightness," and enhance your life with fulfillment and well-being. If you need help getting to that place, don't be afraid to ask for it. Above all, it's beneficial to have a healthy awareness of the sexual differences between men and women -- this awareness will enable you to celebrate them in yourself and in your new partner.

Maryland Divorce Attorney - Maryland Family Attorney Rockville Maryland 20850 1

Maryland Divorce Attorney - Maryland Family Attorney Rockville Maryland 20850 1

Tips for Surviving Divorce

How to prepare yourself to deal with the financial realities of divorce.
In the first few years after divorce, more often than not, the standard of living of both spouses drops. Why? Because the same cumulative income and pool of assets now has to support two households instead of one. Unfortunately, most people don't prepare themselves financially or emotionally for that consequence. So what can you do to better prepare yourself for this inevitability? The answer is simple, but it's not easy to put into practice.

Divorce is an inherently stressful process. To alleviate some of the stress, it's important to be proactive and in control. Here are the "Lucky Seven" things you can do to help prepare yourself for your post-divorce financial future.

1. Expect your income to drop after the divorce is final.

Develop a budget based on needs, not wants. Keep in mind that your expenses need to stay within your post-divorce income. Consider all sources of income -- including spousal and child support, keeping in mind that they won't last forever -- as well as investment income. To develop a budget, use a detailed worksheet so you don't overlook any expenses. The best source for the expense information is your check register, if that's how you pay your bills. Remember that not all your expenses are paid monthly; some insurance premiums or tax bills might be payable quarterly or annually, so make sure to account for those as well. (To help get you started, make a complete list of all your monthly and annual expenses.)

The last step in preparing a budget is to ask a reasonable and critical friend or family member to review your budget and challenge the expenses that seem unreasonable. You have to agree to keep an open mind and not to get mad if he/she challenges one of your items; remember that this person is trying to help you.

2. Consider whether you can afford to keep the house.

In many cases, one spouse -- usually the wife -- wants to keep the house. Though this might be extremely emotionally satisfying, it usually makes little or no financial sense. The equity in the house is illiquid, meaning it won't pay the bills. If it makes sense for one spouse to keep the house, that spouse should pre-qualify for a mortgage before the divorce is final. Sometimes, a divorcing couple will decide that one spouse is going to keep the house, then they take the other spouse's name off the deed. Later, the spouse who wants to keep the house gets turned down for a mortgage because he/she doesn't make enough money to qualify to refinance in his/her name alone. The spouse who is leaving the marital home ends up being on the hook for the debt, has no reciprocal asset, and can't qualify for his/her own mortgage because he/she doesn't make enough to support both mortgages.

To qualify for a mortgage, most conventional lenders use credit and debt to income ratios. Many use a credit score system to qualify applicants; a credit score is based on payment history, amount of credit owing, length of time credit established, number of recently opened credit accounts, and types of credit established. Lenders generally use two different ratios to analyze credit worthiness. Here's how they work:

(1) Housing Ratio = Total Monthly Housing Payments divided by Total Gross Income. This ratio must be 28% or less.
(2) Total Debt Ratio = Total Housing + Other Debt divided by Total Gross Income. This ratio must 36% or less.

In order to qualify for a conventional mortgage, an applicant must have an acceptable credit score and debt-to-income ratios.

3. Know what you have.

Account statements have a way of disappearing when divorce proceedings start. When contemplating divorce, start by collecting statements for all your financial holdings and put together a list of your assets. When negotiating your divorce settlement, this step will prove helpful as a starting point. Here's an example of items you'll need to list on an Asset Worksheet. Remember to note the value of each asset, and who owns what portion of it:

• Retirement Assets
• Liquid Assets
• Real Estate
• Personal Property
• Cash Value Life Insurance
• Business Interests

As you work your way through the asset split negotiations, each asset can be moved to its appropriate column: "Husband" or "Wife". To figure out the percentage split, divide the total for each spouse by the grand total.

4. Consider the after-tax values of your assets.

Accounts with pre-tax contributions and tax deferred growth come with a tax liability. Know what the after-tax equivalent value is before agreeing to take an asset. Having $100,000 in an IRA or RRSP is not the same as having a $100,000 in a checking account. The spouse with the retirement savings plan will end up with the account value minus the tax liability, and the other spouse will have the whole amount to spend.

5. Understand your financial needs.

You need to make sure that the liquidity of the assets you're getting matches up to your needs. Let's suppose you want to keep the marital house, which is worth $300,000 or 50% of the marital estate, as your share of the settlement. Until you take a close look at your long-term financial forecast, you won't know whether you can afford to keep it. Suppose, for example, you've factored child-support payments into your income; after the payments end, how are you going to pay the mortgage? If you have to put the house up for sale in a few years, you may be solely responsible for paying all the capital-gains taxes from the time you and your spouse acquired the property until you sold it -- which could be bad news indeed.

6. Don't overlook the value of a future pension.

Any portion of a pension that was earned during the marriage should be included in the marital pool of assets. Pensions can be handled in three different ways:

1. The non-employee spouse can receive his or her share of a future benefit;
2. The pension can be present valued and offset;
3. A combination of 1 and 2.

Your particular situation should determine which option makes the most sense for you. For example, a 32-year-old wife with two young children and limited resources will have different needs than a 55-year-old wife with a career and her own pension. Make sure you're not the divorcee who has a great pension that will pay in 15 years and have no money to pay the bills today.

7. Hire a good team.

Recommendations are a great source for professionals. However, you need to do your homework before hiring anyone. Your team should consist of a divorce lawyer and a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) at a minimum. In addition, if needed, an accountant or valuator can be retained to value a business or do some forensic work. Although you may think that the more professionals you hire the more costly your divorce will be, this is not necessarily true. In the long run, having the appropriate help will cut down on litigation costs, and may save you from making costly blunders regarding your settlement.

Peaceful Divorce with Shah & Kishore: Joint or Sole Custody?

Peaceful Divorce with Shah & Kishore: Joint or Sole Custody?: "For the sake of the children, the goals of divorcing parents should be the same: involvement of both parents in the lives of the children a..."

Joint or Sole Custody?

For the sake of the children, the goals of divorcing parents should be the same: involvement of both parents in the lives of the children and mitigation of conflict between the parents. These two factors should dominate all others when thinking about custody.

A joint-custody solution gives a psychological boost to the parent who would otherwise be the noncustodial parent. But, even in a sole-custody situation, generous time-sharing (combined with open communication between parents) can create an environment where a noncustodial parent is significantly involved in the children's lives.

Is joint custody right for you? That depends a great deal on the ability of you and your spouse to get along. If you are to share decision-making, you must be able to sit down with your former spouse in a non-combative atmosphere and make decisions together. Shared values and parenting styles make this custody style more viable.

Here's what psychologists have found after long-term studies of families in joint-custody and sole-custody arrangements:

• Joint custody is a viable option only if the parents have an amicable relationship with each other, communicate well, and understand the nuances of their kids' day-to-day routines. Parents in this situation feel more involved in their children's lives than the noncustodial parent in the sole-custody arrangement. On the other hand, in a family where one parent says "black" and the other parent says "white," the children are better off with a sole-custody arrangement to reduce the possibility that their parents will fight over every decision that must be made on their behalf.
• For parents not on friendly terms, joint legal custody (that is to say, joint decision-making) means more room for disagreement and continuation of conflict. These parents are more likely to return to court than parents who have one decision-maker (sole custody).
• If you're able to communicate about the kids, are willing to live in close proximity to your ex, and have the time and resources to share "possession and access" (as they say in Texas) or "physical custody" (as it's more commonly called), then it can be a great thing for everyone. But generally, only children who tend to be easy-going by nature can adapt well to this kind of living arrangement. Children who do poorly with constant change, have difficulty adjusting to new situations, and seem to need a great deal of stability and security in their lives don't do well with joint physical custody.

In short, if you can agree to most of the following statements, joint custody could work for your family:

• I will communicate openly with my ex-spouse regarding the children's needs and activities.
• I can be flexible in working with my ex-spouse and put my children's needs first.
• I will never bad-mouth my ex-spouse in front of my children. On the contrary, I will show nothing but respect for my children's other parent.
• I will respect my ex-spouse's right to have his or her own house rules and not undermine them.

Be honest with yourself. If your feelings don't allow you to accept these guidelines, then get some counseling. If that doesn't work, then joint custody is not a good choice for your family.

When Joint Custody Won't Work

Candace and Bill had been snapping at each other for years by the time they decided to divorce. The manager of a medical clinic in the neighborhood, Bill couldn't keep his eyes off Marion, a lab technician ten years his junior. Eventually, what had started out as an office flirtation turned into a passionate romance, and Bill asked Candace for a divorce. Of course, Candace was shocked. Despite the fact that she, too, was dissatisfied with the marriage, thinking about Bill moving out -- to marry someone else -- made Candace's heart race with anxiety.

When Bill decided it was time to work out the details of the divorce, he requested joint legal custody of the two children, Gwen, 14, and Martin, 12. The thought of giving up his role as decision-maker was too much to bear. Candace, humiliated by Bill's abrupt dismissal, wanted as little to do with him as possible and could not imagine sitting down to make mutual decisions for the kids.

In this situation, Candace and Bill would have to transcend their bitterness for joint legal custody to work. As long as the animosity continued, it would not be possible to share decisions about the children. If Candace and Bill's situation continued with ongoing conflict, as many of these situations do, joint legal custody would result in more fighting and perennial visits to court.

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Pamela Weintraub and Terry Hillman are co-founders of Divorce Central, an online service. Ms. Weintraub is the author of more than a dozen books and was previously editor-in-chief of OMNI Internet. Ms. Hillman owns a business that produces multimedia educational programs for professionals. This article has been excerpted from their book The Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Divorce.
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Divorce Liens on the Family Home

If you are getting a divorce, or know someone who is getting a divorce, you will find it helpful to know about divorce liens.

A divorce lien can avoid the usual turmoil of selling the house and splitting the money -- the home often being a divorcing couple's largest single asset.

With a divorce lien, one party keeps the house, and the other gets a note and deed of trust (or mortgage) secured by the property. One gets real estate and the other gets paper.
In this arrangement, the spouse who keeps the home (often the wife) has the same familiar environment for herself and the children. The children don't have to change schools. There are no divorce relocation costs. She retains a fair share of the equity and hopes that the price of the home goes up. She has the obligation to pay the departing spouse according to an agreed-upon schedule.

The departing spouse (often the husband) signs a deed to the house over to the wife, and in return gets a note and a deed of trust secured by the home -- a divorce lien. The departing spouse can hold the note until it pays off, or he can sell it for cash. If the departing spouse has no need for immediate cash, he can accept a payoff -- in many cases, in about five years -- or when the youngest child is eighteen. If the departing spouse does need immediate cash, he can sell the note and, ordinarily, receive tax-free money. This provides funding for new living quarters, help in paying attorney fees, child support, and a new start in life. If he sells the note, this financial connection to the house ends.

This win-win scenario can ease the pain of a divorce to a small degree. However, a divorce lien is not for every case. The divorcing couple's situation must meet some guidelines. First, the family must have substantial equity in their home. Second, the spouse who retains the home must be able to afford property maintenance and the payments on the first mortgage -- a divorce lien is usually a second mortgage. Since a divorce lien also requires a certain minimum of cooperation between the divorcing spouses, you will recognize at the outset that some divorcing couples may not agree to this approach. When it is possible, it gives benefits to both parties that would not otherwise be available.

How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?

Using a storybook format to break the news to your children in a loving way.

I've faced many difficult moments in my life. Who hasn't? But preparing to tell my son that I will be divorcing his father was absolutely one of the worst. The emotions surging through my body were overwhelming. Deep, gut-wrenching fear. Continuous anxiety. Incredible guilt. And the oppressive weight of shame.

My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, dear soul who loved his father and mother both. He certainly didn't deserve this.

I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, what should we say?

How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted -- changed -- forever?

How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault?

How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for, and loved, even after his parents divorce?

And even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead, when you're not sure yourself how it will all turn out?

I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp.

My son, Cassidy, was 11 at the time. He was still a child, yet old enough to feel the tension in our home that had been escalating for several years. He heard the frequent irritation in our voices when his father and I spoke. He heard the arguments that would flare up suddenly in the midst of routine conversations. He heard the sarcastic inflections in our communication, as well as the deafening silence when we were beyond words and engulfed in frustration and anger.

Silently, internally, my son was experiencing it all and, not surprisingly, he began to show signs of stress. Sometimes it came in the form of headaches which had been increasing in frequency over the past two years. Other times, it was his tears that revealed the pain he felt hearing what he heard and being helpless to stop it. Many times, he acted out, showing us his escalating temper, taking attention away from our drama and placing it on himself as he was quietly filling up with rage about controlling a situation that was moving out of control.

The most frustrating part of it all is that we knew better, his father and I. We knew better than to fight in front of our son, to allow him to be caught up in our difficulties. But as our unhappiness together grew over time, we lost a handle on what we knew and gave in to what we felt. It was a terrible mistake, one which I will always regret because my innocent child, the being I loved more than anyone in the universe, was paying the price.

I wrote a list for myself of what was most important for me to convey to Cassidy when I -- or both his father and I -- spoke to him. Six points stood out as most essential:

This is not your fault.
You are and will always remain safe.
Mom and dad will always be your parents.
Mom and dad will always love you.
This is about change, not about blame.
Things will work out OK.

But how do I say it? I rehearsed dozens of conversations in my head during those weeks. They seemed awkward. Rehearsed. Insincere. Nothing felt right or did justice to the importance of this conversation.

Everything I tried brought up more questions than answers. How do I begin? How do I prepare myself to answer all his questions? How do I cope with the inevitable tears?

And then what?

One night at 4 a.m., while my troubled mind rehashed my insecurities in bed, a thought came to me that resonated in a powerful way. I remembered that my son always enjoyed looking through the family photo albums, primarily because they were filled with photos of him. He liked seeing his baby pictures and watching himself change as he grew. The albums were like a story book of his life. They kept his attention for long periods of time. They also brought out his curiosity and questions which opened the door to many relaxed family conversations

What if I prepared a photo album for my son that told the story of our family in pictures and words? And what if it spanned from before he was born right up to the present, preparing him for the new changes ahead?

The storybook concept gave him something tangible he could hold on to and read over again and again to help him grasp what was about to transpire. It would explain, in language he could understand, why this was happening and what to expect. Most important of all, it would be a format that allowed me to make sure I emphasized the six crucial points I knew I had to get across to him.

And rather than rehearsing a conversation that felt like a minefield of possible mistakes and detours, the storybook would give me a written, pre-planned script that was well thought out in advance.

The idea still had merit the next morning. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed to be the best option, both for Cassidy and his parents. With this new concept solidly in mind, I moved ahead in this creative new direction. And it worked.

When the storybook was completed, I showed it to my husband. It was important to me that we both agreed upon the message we were conveying to our child. What I said was not controversial, judgmental, or accusatory. On the contrary. The story in the book told the truth while focusing on areas of mutual agreement, the six crucial points that most every parent would want to get across.

While my husband was angry with me for initiating our divorce, he understood that the point of our storybook was not to air our differences but to show as much support to our son, during this difficult time, as was possible. He agreed the book was well done.

On the evening we set aside, my husband and I sat down with Cassidy and told him we had put together a storybook photo album about our family. He was immediately interested. I started reading aloud. At times, I stopped for a moment as we reminisced about a birthday party, vacation, or other memorable event mentioned in our story. It felt good to laugh together, even if only briefly, sitting on the sofa as a family for, perhaps, one of the very last times.

As I started reading about changes in the family, tensions, disagreements, and sad times, I watched as tears pooled up in my son's eyes. By the time I reached the end of the story, he was weeping uncontrollably and holding on to both of us as tightly as he could.

That was followed by the inevitable anticipated responses. "No! You're not getting a divorce. I don't want you to. You can't. It isn't fair." And then, as a family, we talked, cried, hugged, answered questions, repeated answers, reread passages in the book, and consoled one another.

The deed was done. It was awful to go through. But somehow having the book as an anchor, something to reread, hold on to, and keep was helpful for my son. We had the conversation about the impending divorce itself. Sometimes we'd refer back to a passage or two in the book as a reminder that mom and dad will still love him forever and that everything will be okay.

The book also helped me and my husband to keep a perspective about our son. To remember that this was not about good guys and bad guys, judgments, and accusations. People and situations change. Life evolves. And beyond our differences, our frustrations and disappointments, we were still both Cassidy's mom and dad and always will be. So we needed to treat each other with dignity and respect.

It has been more than a decade since I prepared that storybook about our family. I have since remarried, and my son has graduated college and embarked on an exciting career. As a grown young man in his 20s, he is still very close to me and his father. And he tells us, much as he hated our decision at the time, he now believes we were wise to get a divorce and move on with our lives, both of us choosing more suitable mates. When I approached him with my idea about sharing our family storybook with others who are facing divorce and emotionally torn up about how to tell their children, he enthusiastically agreed that it was a great idea.

So did the six therapists I approached. They not only endorsed the concept but graciously contributed to the value of this book by adding additional suggestions and insights based on their professional experience. For this, I am truly grateful.

In my book, I share with you the templates I have prepared, which will enable you to create a storybook customized to your individual family. I help prepare you for the questions to expect from your children and how best to answer them. And I refer you to additional resources you can turn to for advice, support, and counseling at whatever level is appropriate for you.

By the end of my book, you will not only know how to tell your kids about divorce, you will also have a viable means with which to do so... your personal family storybook. May it be a resource you will create and turn to when expressing your love for your children as you move through divorce and beyond.

At this difficult time in the life of your family, I send you my heartfelt compassion and my very best wishes for the most positive and peaceful resolution for everyone involved.
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This article has been excerpted from How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!, by Rosalind Sedacca. This opening chapter has won Sedacca the 2008 Victorious Woman Award. She is a writer, professional speaker, and Certified Corporate Trainer specializing in communication and relationship issues. She is also the founder of Child-Centered Divorce, a support network for parents.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You have some confusion about divorce we are here to help you call on 301-715-3838 or visit our web http://www.maryland-lawoffice.com

What is Collaborative Divorce Law

Collaborative Family Law

• What is Collaborative Law?
• Collaborative Law is a form of ADR (alternative dispute resolution).
• Each party hires his/her own exclusive lawyer and the two lawyers, along with the respective parties work together to find a resolution. The lawyers work with each other and the parties to draft an amicable agreement for everyone.
• The parties and their lawyer control what goes on in a collaborative setting and they control the outcome and agreements drafted as opposed to litigation where a judge controls the outcome.
• In collaborative law, the process can extend past just the clients and their lawyers. Both parties can agree on experts and professionals to help guide them in important decisions and take full advantage of the collaborative process.
• The clients and their lawyers sign a Participation Agreement before the start of the Collaborative process.
• What is a Participation Agreement in the Collaborative Law Process?
• The Participation Agreement is a bond between both parties and their lawyers agreeing to the terms in Collaborative Law.
• Both parties agree that should one party decide to pursue litigation or threaten to go to court the Collaborative Process immediately ends.
• Should the Collaborative process end, both lawyers will immediately terminate working with either party. Both parties at this point will have to find new legal representation for whatever dispute will be settled in court.
• Both parties also agree to share all financial information upfront and provide all supporting documentation.
• Who is the collaborative lawyer at Shah and Kishore?
• Our main partner Mr. Rahul Kishore is a trained collaborative lawyer, he has a law degree and he has been practicing Family Law for 15 years. He has been trained in collaborative law too. He has an MBA (Masters of Business Administration) which allows him to analyze all types of financial issues that tie in with family law issues.
• Why Collaborative Law?
• While Collaborative Law is not for everyone, it provides a good alternative to expensive litigation fees in a process that usually only has one winner.
• In Collaborative Law both parties can leave winners. Collaborative law is different than mediation in that it allows each party to have their own individual lawyer to confide in.
• It also allows the opportunity for you to gain support from a wide range of professionals which reduces taking “three steps backwards” (as you would in litigation) before you can move forward in your life and as a family.
• Collaborative law is quicker: After an agreement has been reached in a collaborative law process the agreement is submitted to the court for approval. It eliminates the need to wait for a court date and partake in a long burdensome process.
• It protects family and relationships, fosters personal responsibility and allows the clients to take control over ultimately, how the family emerges post-dispute.
• Who should consider going through Collaborative Law?
• Both parties will agree to a date and time to hold their mediation appointment.
• Collaborative Law works best for couples who are considering separating or getting a divorce, or parents who are determining custody for their children.
• What does the Collaborative Law process look like?
• Both parties will agree to a date and time to hold their Collaborative Law appointment.
• The lawyers will introduce themselves and then both parties will sign the Participation Agreement.
• After the Participation Agreement is signed both parties will disclose any and all financial information. This information will be disclosed voluntarily and in the spirit of cooperation and trust. They will also provide supporting documentation to back up all claims.
• A series of joint sessions will take place. These sessions include both parties and their respective lawyers and all other hired professionals. Everyone present will then discuss the issues surrounding the family matters and work towards creating an agreement that is amicable for both parties and any effected family members.
• A lawyer will then try to draft up an agreement that is amicable to both parties and includes resolutions to all of the issues discussed in the sessions.
• Once this agreement is drafter both parties will review the drafted agreement and both lawyers will review the agreement to make sure it keeps the client’s best interest at heart.
• This agreement will then be sent to the court for approval. After the document is approved the agreement stands as a legal document.
• Who Pays for Collaborative Law?
• Each respective party pays his or her own lawyer, based upon the individual lawyer fees. Other professionals such as family relations specialists, financial specialists or child specialists that are retained jointly should be paid for jointly. Both parties will need to communicate and work out a fair way to share these expenses.
• What if we don’t reach an agreement?
• Collaborative Law isn’t for everyone. Should you not be able to work out your dispute through Collaborative Law Shah and Kishore will refer you to trained attorneys in family law who will offer you legal advice for whatever pathway you choose in the court system.
• As per the Participation Agreement in Collaborative Law both parties’ lawyer will immediately pull out of the process forcing both parties to hire new representation should they decide to proceed with litigation.
• Litigation, though more expensive, provides resolutions to disputes that cannot be solved through combined efforts and shared communication. Litigation can solve matters of divorce, separation, alimony, child custody, child visitation and child support.
If you need the help of a Collaborative Family Law to settle your dispute, don’t hesitate, call Shah and Kishore at   (301)-315-0001 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              (301)-315-0001      end_of_the_skype_highlighting   or Visit us on the web  at    http://wwww.maryland-lawoffice.com
• Frequently Asked Questions
• Collaborative Divorce