Looking for Love

There's no "sure-fire" way to meet Mr. or Ms. Right, but opening yourself up to different scenes and a variety of people will certainly increase your chances of success. Here are some tips on broadening your soulmate search.

Dating can seem like a frightening prospect after you've been divorced. Chances are that you have the disadvantage of not having been in the dating scene for many years -- and the rules and customs are constantly changing. Our fast-paced, busy work world today leaves us with little time to search seriously. And then there's the fear of embarrassment, humiliation, or just disappointment -- especially if your marriage has just ended.

The good news is that there is somebody out there who will be thrilled to share your life. You just have to expand your search to new areas. Finding a new partner is a numbers game: the more potential partners you meet and the more you date, the more likely you are to find the one who's truly right for you. So it makes sense to broaden your social life and focus on meeting more people, making new friends, and setting up more dates. This will take time and courage (you'll be facing awkwardness, frustration, or even heartbreak), but in the end, when you find your soulmate, it will have been worth it.

Bear in mind that this article is geared toward readers who are looking for a serious, committed relationship that's emotionally as well as physically satisfying. If what you're looking for are one-night stands or short-term, non-committal physical attachments, that's all well and good, but you need some different advice.

Traditional routes

Ironically, some of the most common ways people attempt to meet serious potential partners are some of the worst ways. For example, it's not a good idea to look for love in a bar: the loud music makes it difficult to hear each other, and the alcohol distorts your judgment -- as well as the other person's behavior. Somebody who seems smart and appealing now may be far less so once the beer buzz wears off. Besides, most people who hang out in bars aren't looking for deep personal relationships.

Another popular method is having your friends set you up with someone. This may seem like a good idea, but frequently, it turns out that your well-meaning friends are basing their judgments on what they want, what they think you want, or what they feel you should want in a partner. No matter how well your friends know you, only you know for sure what kind of person's right for you. This is not to say that you shouldn't give friends' setups a fair chance -- but be prepared for disappointment on your and/or your friends' part.

The same goes for old-fashioned family set-ups; somebody they believe is a "good catch" may have little or nothing in common with you.

Some people still believe that "fate" or "destiny" will bring them and their soulmates together, and they use this belief as an excuse not to go out and meet new people. Others are so desperate for a mate they'll accept the first willing person who comes along. And if you're oozing desperation, what sort of mate do you think you'll attract? This brings up Rule One: do not start dating until you've recovered from divorce and are happy on your own. Only then will you have something to offer a new partner.

When you're ready, recognize that it takes time to find your most compatible partner -- and it also takes a willingness to actively explore, make mistakes, and not give up. Have some faith and patience in the process.

Here, there, and everywhere

So where should you start looking? Everywhere. Because Mr. or Ms. Right could come along when you least expect it: at the store, at the bank machine, at a party, in a class, at a ball game, on the bus... There's no point in limiting yourself. So it's a good idea to be ready at all times to meet someone, which means looking, acting, and feeling your best as often as you can. Remember: first impressions do count for a lot.

Rather than leaving everything up to chance, however, a great way to accelerate the process is to get involved in social activities that correspond to your own unique interests. Sharing a common interest or hobby is a great way for new couples to meet and bond, whether the interest is artistic, athletic, scholarly, political, or religious. So join a club, group, or community populated by potential partners. For example, Nick is a poet who frequently reads his work aloud on literary open stages -- and meets many people who attend the same venues. His last two girlfriends have also been writers, and his current, serious partner is a published novelist. His involvement in the local poetry scene introduces him to women with similar interests whom he wouldn't be as likely to meet anywhere else.

You can also expand your roster of potential partners by being open to getting to know different types of people. If you're one of those men who are only willing to date women with a certain look, or a woman who'll only go out with men of a certain income or height, you have no idea what you're missing. Many people fall into the trap of creating artificial standards, limiting their search to what they think is the ideal. You should know by now that a pretty face or deep pockets can't satisfy your longing for deep connection. Shared core beliefs, dreams, and interests create the possibility for lasting love, so look beyond the surface to see if you're a match.

Occasionally, a romantic relationship will even develop out of a long-term friendship between two people. Cathy ended up happily married to her closest male friend of 15 years after they both realized how compatible -- and attracted to each other -- they really were. Because she didn't entirely rule out the possibility of a friend becoming more, she found the deep, satisfying union she was looking for.

So the world is full of wonderful, available potential partners you probably aren't aware of yet. Of course, knowing this means nothing unless you go over and make your move, or at least say hi! Strive to overcome whatever shyness, fear, or cold feet you have and put yourself back in the game.

Advertise your desire for a partner

It wasn't long ago that matchmaking services and personal ads were unfairly considered a sign of desperation. But times have changed. Dating services -- both matchmaking and the do-it-yourself methods -- are now more popular than they've ever been. Because many people are busy with careers and/or single parenthood, they just don't have much time to go out into the social scene.

Internet and telephone personals allow you to browse profiles of potential mates while keeping your identity anonymous -- all from the comfort and safety of your own home. "The traditional circle of meeting people at bars or parties is a very inefficient process," says Paul Gallucci, the CEO of Lavalife, which offers phone and web personals. "But on Lavalife, you search for a certain type and look at a person's profile before deciding if you want to converse. Your identity is still unknown, and it's up to you if you want to take things further with someone. If you don't want to continue, it's easy to disengage, whereas it's awkward to do so in real life. You've got that control." Another advantage is the large number of people -- all of them available and looking -- at your fingertips. "Your chances of success are increased by the geographic horizon. At a party, there's only a group of local people there, but here it's unlimited and you can define how wide you want your search to be."

Gallucci advises people to be true to themselves in writing personal ads and profiles. "Describe who you really are. Write exactly what you're looking for and what makes you unique. You don't have to put up a facade here. Every one of us is special and interesting in some way. Bring out the interesting facts and traits -- things that will make people want to know more about you." If the service allows, definitely include a good picture. "Put up a fun picture in which you're smiling and engaged in an activity that reflects who you are," he adds.

If you join a dating service, whether by phone or online, it's a good idea to take your time in browsing and meeting people. Again, the process takes patience: don't expect to find your perfect match immediately. "Don't rush," Gallucci says. "People sometimes rush through it and get disappointed, and then think the process doesn't work. If you haven't taken enough time in the introductory process before meeting the person face-to-face, it can be a letdown." But if you're patient, as well as astute in your questions and answers, things are more likely to go your way.

It's a match!

If the "do-it-yourself" approach doesn't appeal to you, consider a matchmaking or introduction service. Generally, you'll work with a company consultant who will attempt to find close matches for your personality profile -- which includes your attitude, your emotional maturity, and social skills -- and provide you with detailed information and phone numbers of appropriate matches.

"I screen everyone that we see. I get to know all new clients when I meet them and even visit their homes," says Ruth Claramunt, who runs a successful Toronto-based matchmaking service called Hearts (www.heartscanada.com). "After I meet with a new client and learn all about him or her, I match the person up with somebody based on similar interests, goals, and lifestyles. It's a very comfortable way to find a partner."

Both parties are notified, so that either can initiate the first phone call. "I suggest that they talk briefly on the telephone and then meet somewhere for a drink or coffee," Claramunt explains. After the phone call and possibly first date, each of the members calls the consultant to provide feedback. Based on the feedback, further referrals may take a slightly different approach.

Love knows no borders?

With the advent of the Internet, it has become very easy to contact and get to know other people living far away, even in other countries. After a while, you may think you've exhausted all possibilities in your own city or state/province and expand your search beyond the borders, meeting faraway relationship prospects "virtually." While it's true that the occasional long-distance relationship has been known to work out well, there are good reasons why you should be cautious -- or at least approach long-distance relationships with healthy skepticism.

Bob is a 30-year-old divorced man and a frequent Internet user who meets a world of other people via chatrooms, bulletin boards, and online journals. For several months, he had a "virtual" relationship with a pretty graduate student in Belgium named Katrina. Although they'd never met in person, they seemed to click wonderfully: they had a similar sense of humor and political views, and they also shared a passion for classic movies, jazz, and French food. When Bob had saved enough money, he caught the first plane to Brussels to meet her. But once they'd spent some time together, they both realized that something wasn't quite right. Bob, a homebody by nature, had trouble keeping up with Katrina's active, restless social lifestyle. There was also a religious discrepancy, which they hadn't realized before: she was a devout Protestant, he was Jewish. And although she never mentioned it, Katrina was very disappointed that Bob wasn't as tall or handsome as he looked in his online photos.

The point is that you can't know someone well until you spend time with him or her in person. It's too easy to present only your best side -- or the side most compatible with the other person -- when you're limited to web communication. People misrepresent themselves online (often unintentionally), or they neglect to mention aspects of their lives or cultures that would clash with the other person's lifestyle.

This doesn't mean that long-distance relationships are out of the question. But make sure you know what you're doing before you shell out for that $1,000+ plane ticket!

You can't hurry love

There's a standard cliche that the minute you stop looking for someone, the perfect person comes along. This is not precisely true: you're unlikely to find your soulmate while sitting on your couch watching SNL reruns. Get out there and start enjoying your life: whether that means poetry reading, ballroom dancing, or bowling. You'll broaden your circle of acquaintances and friends, and you'll be more fun because you're having more fun.

"The best advice I can give on meeting somebody for the first time is just to be yourself," says Claramunt. "Look at it as though you're just meeting a new friend, and go out and have fun." She adds that entering the dating scene again after divorce is very difficult, and the best way to begin is to open up your social circle. "I give divorcing clients support and guidance in doing that."

Make dates with people you're attracted to, but don't expect to find your soulmate right away. Time and patience are required for that, but in the meantime, you can enjoy meeting new people and trying new activities. If you start looking for love in places you haven't even considered before -- from new social circles to current friends, from your local neighborhood to other cities or even countries -- you increase your chances of finding that love.

How to meet

Personal or companion ads in newspapers/magazines
Pros:It's often free to list your small printed ad, with a unique box number.
Cons:Attraction is based solely on what's written, which usually isn't enough to get a true sense of the person.

Telephone Personals
Pros:Very convenient. And it's a great advantage to hear the person's voice: you can often tell quite a bit about someone's education, intelligence, and social skills by their grammar and the inflection in his/her voice. Most are free for women.
Cons:Can get expensive for men -- particularly for out-of-towners who have to pay long-distance charges as well.

Internet Personals
Pros:Safe and convenient. You can tailor your search using dozens of criteria -- such as age, geography, education, etc. -- and you can exchange pictures to test out the physical appeal.
Cons:There are so many fish in this sea that you may be tempted to pass on a great match in the hopes of finding a "perfect" match. Can be addictive; know when you've had enough.

Matchmaking Services
Pros:Perfect for people who don't have the time or fortitude to wade through hundreds of profiles and dozens of meetings to find their match. Every member is serious about meeting someone; they didn't join just for a casual fling or three.
Cons:The costs of these services can be substantial, and you may not meet as many people as with the other methods. However, this might not be a bad thing: in theory, those you do meet are likely to be the kind of person you're looking for. This should help keep your overall costs down, both in time and money expended.       

E-Discovery Can Make or Break a Case

E-mails, Excel spreadsheets, Word documents and other electronically stored information (ESI) are routinely requested as evidence in lawsuits. And destroying that data, or failing to produce it during the discovery process can generate some harsh legal penalties.

One court case has become an example for misconduct during e-discovery. The suit in question, Victory Stanley II, involved deleting, destroying and otherwise failing to preserve electronically stored information despite court orders. In its ruling, the court made it clear: There was no question that evidence was intentionally destroyed and lost. These actions prejudiced the case so the judge entered a default judgment in favor of the plaintiff.

But there was more. Magistrate Judge Paul Grimm also found the defendant engaged in "the single most egregious" case of discovery misconduct he had seen in nearly 14 years on the bench. The defendant's "pervasive and willful violation" of court orders was serious enough, he said, to constitute contempt of court. He ordered the defendant to be imprisoned for up to two years, unless and until he paid the plaintiff's attorney fees and costs. (Victor Stanley, Inc. v. Creative Pipe, Inc., No. MJG-06-2662, 2010 WK 3530097)

The court attempted in its 2010 opinion to provide a larger framework to help resolve the issues surrounding the preservation of electronically stored data. Guidelines for complying with e-discovery were set out in another earlier case where the judge said attorneys should:

Issue a "litigation hold" when a suit appears reasonably imminent. This means ordering that evidence be preserved until discovery is complete. The litigation hold should be periodically re-issued so that new employees are aware of it and it remains fresh in the minds of all staff members.

Ensure key players understand what the hold instruction entails. Major players are those who likely have information relevant to a case.

Instruct all employees to produce electronic copies of their relevant active files and ensure that all tapes or copies are identified and stored safely. This may even require keeping them in a separate location to eliminate the possibility that backup tapes could be accidentally recycled. (Zubulake v. UBS Warburg LLC, No. 02-Civ. 1243, S.D.N.Y., 7/20/04)

In Victor Stanley II, the court cited several instances of delaying tactics that resulted in "spoliation" -- the intentional or negligent withholding, hiding, altering, or destroying of evidence relevant to a lawsuit. Among many avoidance tactics, the court noted that the defendant:

1. Made a concerted effort to prevent the discovery of evidence.

2. Failed to issue a litigation hold and did not preserve electronically stored data after the lawsuit was filed.

3. Ignored the demand from plaintiff's counsel to preserve an external hard drive and various files and e-mails.

4. Deleted information, despite several court orders to preserve it.

5. Did not retain electronic information when a company server was replaced.

6. Habitually used programs to permanently delete material after several court orders to produce it.

These violations account for the severity of the sanctions the magistrate judge imposed. But Judge Grimm also noted that determining whether spoliation sanctions are appropriate in cases involving failure to properly preserve electronically stored information has "proven to be one of the most challenging tasks for judges, lawyers, and clients." The judge added that the "lack of a national standard, or even a consensus among courts in different jurisdictions about what standards should govern preservation/spoliation issues, appears to have exacerbated the problem."

In a nutshell, the case is a warning that businesses should be prepared in case they become involved in litigation. Companies should work with their law firms to follow e-discovery best practices. This can significantly improve the ability to furnish electronically stored information. Your organization's attorneys may also recommend hiring an experienced computer forensics professional who can help in several ways, including:

Locate and preserve data. As Victor Stanley II shows, your company must be able to retrieve and preserve old information while maintaining new data. A computer forensics specialist can help assess an organization's ability to do this. This "health check" can prove invaluable, especially if it uncovers a fundamental flaw in storage techniques that might have been uncovered only during the discovery process of litigation.

Maintaining a proper chain of custody helps ensure that data is unaltered and complete. If, during litigation, the integrity or thoroughness of information is questioned, it may not be allowed as evidence. A computer forensics professional also provides assurance that data has not been manipulated.

Minimize disruption. E-discovery requests can take on a life of their own and severely affect daily operations. A computer forensics specialist can help minimize disruption.

Provide insight and guidance. If the data to be turned over to the other side is potentially problematic, a computer forensics professional can warn a company's attorneys. That puts them in a stronger position to handle unexpected issues and avert problems.

Testify to the legitimacy of the discovery. Forensic computer professionals can serve as expert witnesses to testify how the information was gathered. This sends a strong message to the court that appropriate protocols were followed to ensure the information was complete and reliable.

Your company may never wind up in court, but it's a good idea to ensure it is ready just in case. Your attorney and a computer forensics professional can identify the challenges your IT infrastructure may present, which can help your business be more efficient and cost-effective in the way it electronically stores and preserves information.

Tax Returns: Spouses Can Be Guilty Until Proven Innocent

When you got married, you knew it was for "better or worse." But you might not know about laws that hold you responsible if your spouse or ex-spouse cheats on a tax return.

Married couples filing jointly should be aware that:

* You are both responsible for tax, interest and penalties -- even after a divorce or the death of a spouse.

* The IRS may hold you responsible for all the tax due even if there is a divorce decree stating that your ex-spouse is accountable for previous joint returns.

* You can be liable for tax even if none of the income on a tax return is attributed to you.

To illustrate how the law works, let's say you have a wage-earning job and your spouse is self-employed. You file joint tax returns.

Next year, you get divorced and a year later, the IRS audits your tax return. Your ex-spouse is nowhere to be found and auditors determine that he or she didn't report all the income from the business.

What could happen?

You are generally liable for paying the tax due, plus interest and any penalties. Your wages can be seized by the IRS even if you paid every penny owed on your share of the family income.

Fortunately, there may be a way to get off the hook. In some situations, the tax law provides "innocent spouse" relief if you can prove:

* There is a substantial understatement of tax attributable to the grossly erroneous items of your spouse or ex-spouse.

* The hidden income belonged to your ex-spouse and you didn't benefit from it.

* You didn't know or have reason to know about the understatement.

* It would be inequitable to hold you liable.

In January of 2012, the IRS released new proposed streamlined procedures that will make it easier to obtain equitable relief. In addition, the new guidelines includes an exception to the requirement that items must be attributable to the ex-spouse when that spouse's fraud is the cause of the understatement or deficiency.

Advice: Don't count on innocent spouse relief if you know your spouse is cheating on tax returns. Consider filing separate tax returns -- especially if you're in the process of a divorce. It may save you a bundle in the future.

Learning to cooperate with your ex

If you have children together, you must learn to cooperate with your ex; the marriage may be over, but your parenting relationship will last forever.

Cooperation means working together towards a common goal. Fostering a spirit of cooperation with your ex means laying down your weapons in the war of divorce in order to protect your children. It means that when your ex begins to argue with you, you don't argue back. It means that you stop being reactive and start being proactive. Your kids should be your priority, and although it may kill you to share them with a jerk, it will hurt them irreparably if you continue to do battle.

It's understandable that you may feel bitter, angry, and vengeful toward your ex, but when you deliberately bad-mouth or argue with him or her in front of the children, it's as if you're saying those things to your kids. The hurt and confusion they feel at those times can be damaging. We know that nobody's perfect. And obviously, there will be times when your child overhears you arguing with your ex, sees the expression on your face, or senses your underlying (and many times valid) disgust and anger.

You're human. The point is that no matter what your feelings are, your children will be better off if you keep them as your central focus and work diligently at keeping the parenting relationship civil and cooperative.

There are two ways to work at change with your ex. One is by changing your internal state. You sort through your angry and bitter feelings and obtain insights into those feelings that enable you eventually to change them. Once your feelings are different, your actions automatically change. This is often a lengthy process and many times requires the professional assistance of a counselor. Another way to change is by changing your actions first, no matter how you feel. It's akin to administering CPR to someone whose heart has stopped. You can't get inside the person and restart the heart by changing the internal state. Instead, you work from the outside. You place your hands over the person's breastbone and push down at regular intervals. This external force eventually changes the internal state, and the heart begins beating.

By learning the cooperation skills presented in this article, you're essentially administering CPR to the parenting relationship. When you change your actions in an argument with your ex, eventually your internal state will change too. Remember that although it's okay to allow the marital relationship to die, it's not okay for the parenting relationship to die, because if it does, it's your children who will suffer.

The Fight-or-Flight Response

When you find yourself in a stressful situation, your subconscious automatically assesses your physiological response (sweaty palms, fast heartbeat, rapid breathing, shaking hands, cracking voice) in order to determine what kind of signal it should send to your body. Should it tell your body to run from danger? Should it tell your body to prepare defenses and fight? Or should it tell your body that everything's fine, sit down, relax, and have a cup of tea?

The problem with what your subconscious finds is that it's not discriminatory. It can't tell the difference between the rapid breathing that occurs because you are furious that your ex won't take your child to a birthday party and the rapid breathing that happens when you realize you're being pursued by a wild beast. In either case, your subconscious sends the same message: run, fight, or be eaten!

This panic signal effectively shuts down the part of your brain that handles language and rational thought. Your reactions include clenched fists, gritted teeth, red face, slamming down the phone, and crying. In other words, you respond on a purely physiological level. When that happens, you become ineffective and you give away your power and control over the situation.

Altering the Fight-or-Flight Response

Speaking to an ex often evokes a fight-or-flight response. One father we watched would get red in the face and clench the arms of the chair until his knuckles turned white. Then he stuttered at the mere suggestion that he talk about what he would say to his ex. Invariably, the first words out of his mouth were, at best, explosive, and at worst, profane.

Beginning a discussion with profanity and name-calling (even if that's the way you feel) is not cooperative. When your blood pressure has already risen or your hands are shaking, you considerably weaken your position. We wouldn't presume to suggest that you can rid yourself of anxiety or rage completely, but you can use techniques that will calm, center, and focus you enough to enable you to stay in control during an argument -- as well as maintain a powerful position.

Deep Breathing -- A Technique That Calms

Breathing deeply breaks into the cycle between your subconscious and your body and gives you an alternative to the fight-or-flight response. When you breathe deeply, you alter the message that your subconscious receives. In essence, you send the message to your subconscious that there is nothing to be afraid of. After all, if there were, you certainly wouldn't be standing around taking time to breathe! When you change the message you send to your brain, it stops sending the panic signals that make you ineffective and less resourceful.

To be an effective deep breather, you must practice. Begin by practicing in front of the mirror. Don't rush. Breathe in deeply enough to fill your lungs, then sit or stand straighter and take in just a little extra. Breathe out slowly. Count as you inhale and then as you exhale. Say, "That's one." Breathe again. Say, "That's two." One more time, "That's three." This technique is useful not only during a conversation with your ex when you find yourself reacting, but also prior to phoning or meeting your ex. And if three breaths don't seem to be altering the fight-or-flight response, take more.

Don't Hurry!

When you believe that you must respond immediately to whatever your ex says, and you rush to fill in the silences in a conversation, you inevitably engage the fight-or-flight reaction. In addition, you place yourself at a disadvantage by not allowing yourself time to think. It's not only okay to allow silence (and breathing) in a conversation, it's necessary. If your ex is continuing to talk, or shouting at you to answer him or her, take the phone away from your ear for a moment. If you're face to face, close your eyes. It's difficult to count breaths when you're staring at someone you don't like very much. Closing your eyes momentarily shuts down your visual sense.

If you find it difficult to breathe deeply and incur silence, then practice during your conversations with friends and family members. It may feel awkward at first, but soon you'll discover that the pressure to speak disappears. And remember not to cover your silences with "um." Silence is much more powerful.

Shifting Your Mindset

Part of the difficulty in cooperating with your ex may lie in your tendency to rehearse negative thoughts about him or her. Much like self-defeating self-talk, these thoughts engage and propel you into a negative Think-Feel-Do cycle. For example, you think, "I hate him, I hate him, I wish he would die," over and over again as you listen to him tell you why he doesn't have time to take your child shopping for camp. This sets you up to fail because you plan your next action based on these negative thoughts.

Likewise, the self-defeating self-talk you engage in prior to a conversation with your ex sets you up to fail. You may have thoughts like, "I can't do this, she's just going to start screaming at me again," or "Why do I even bother talking to him? He's such a jerk." This rehearsal of negative, angry thoughts serves only to make you more, rather than less, angry and negative. That rehearsal robs you of momentum and power and creates a tendency for you to respond argumentatively instead of cooperatively.

Listen to Understand

The basis for cooperation lies in being able to communicate effectively, and the foundation for good communication lies in being able to listen. Steven R. Covey, in his bestselling book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, writes that if he had to choose the single most important thing he's learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Listening and trying to understand your ex is far more powerful than you might realize!

Listening is a skill. It's not, however, a skill that most of us were taught, and although we do it quite naturally with the people we feel close to, when we feel confronted, misheard, or wronged, we fail to draw on our ability to listen.

Listening can be broken down into four components: attention, acknowledgment, reflection, and restatement.

The First Component of Listening: Attention

Listening is more than just waiting your turn to speak, more than just being quiet, and more than hearing the other person. The other person must feel as though he or she is being heard. We help them feel heard when we give them our full attention.

Giving another person your full attention is a crucial part of the listening process. It means looking your ex in the eyes, keeping your arms and legs uncrossed, and fully facing her. When your body language communicates an attitude of attention, the other person softens her attack, because she no longer feels as if she has to work so hard to get you to understand the points she's trying to make.

The Second Component: Acknowledgment

Acknowledgment means verbally indicating that you're listening to the other person. That you're actively following along as she speaks. "I see," or "Uh-huh," are examples of how to verbally acknowledge that you're listening. Acknowledging that there is a problem or that your ex has a point doesn't mean that you have to agree with it.

Arthur's ex-wife called him and began to complain about money. She said that she had taken an extra part-time job on Saturdays but was having trouble coming up with money to pay a babysitter during that time. Arthur got the feeling that she was taking a roundabout way to ask him for more financial support, which he was unwilling to give. Rather than reacting to his thoughts, however, he simply acknowledged her by saying, "Uh-huh... I see... I understand that you don't have the extra money for a baby-sitter on Saturdays. It's been a bad year for a lot of us, and eight hours adds up to a lot."

Had Arthur reacted to his suspicions by exploding and saying, "I'm not giving you more money. How many times do I have to tell you that before you get it through your thick skull?" it might have provoked an argument, at the center of which would have been their child. Both parents might have left the conversation feeling as though neither of them "wanted" their daughter. Resentment and hurt feelings might have ensued.

The Third Component: Reflection

Reflection goes hand in hand with acknowledgment. It requires that you try to determine what the other person might be feeling. This isn't easy. As you've already discovered, many times angry words or actions mask our more subtle emotions.

Reflection refers not only to the process of looking underneath the masking emotion for the other person's more subtle feelings, but also being able to reflect those feelings back to him. This sounds something like, "I hear that you're feeling defensive about being late," or "Sounds like you feel accused."

When Arthur refused to engage with his ex, she began to utilize some of the old dynamics that hadn't worked in the past. "Arthur, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't afford a sitter, I just can't." Arthur responded with, "You really sound overwhelmed. Juggling work with a child is difficult."

The Fourth Component: Restatement

Many times people think they're clearly hearing someone when in fact they are interpreting what's being said.

When Arthur listened to his wife complain about babysitting, he was sure that she was going to ask him for more money. Rather than explode at her with, "I'm not giving you more money," or "What do you want from me anyway?" he restated what he thought she was saying, "Margaret, I'm hearing you say that you'd like me to cover the child-care expenses for you on Saturdays. Am I right?" To his surprise, she seemed bewildered, "Arthur, I'm not asking you for more money! I was just going to see if we could switch visitation from Wednesday nights to Saturdays so that time is covered for me for the next couple of months."

Asking "Am I right?" at the end of a restatement is useful because it enables you to check in with the other person to see if you heard correctly. And it affords your ex the opportunity to correct you if you didn't understand.

What Can You Agree With?

Another important cooperation skill involves listening carefully to see if there are any points on which you can agree during an argument. In business, for instance, when a client is extremely resistant, good business-people listen carefully to see if there are any points on which they can agree. They think to themselves: "Could I agree, either in principle or in part, with any of what she's saying?" When they find even a part of a statement they can agree on, they seize that opportunity. It's akin to trying to turn a wild horse around: sometimes you have to ride the horse in the direction it's going before you can get it to respond to your words and actions.

When you're feeling attacked by your ex, it may be difficult to think in terms of agreement. You're far more likely to enter a negotiation with your ex with thoughts like, "She's such an idiot," or, "He's 100% wrong, as usual!" Yet when you look for points on which you can agree, you put yourself in the position of control and relay to your ex that you're working toward a common goal and resolution.

Communication Breakdown

Many times cooperative communication with an ex breaks down because we block it. Sometimes we deliberately do this, and sometimes it's subconscious. It helps to recognize some common ways communication gets blocked: through interrupting, by giving advice, and by invalidating another person's feelings or point of view. Let's see how those look.

Interrupting

Interrupting is one of the most common causes of communication breakdown. In an argumentative state, the thing people want most is to be heard. When you interrupt, you are not allowing the other person to finish his turn. You're not giving him his chance to feel "heard." Remember that cooperation means working together. Let your ex finish what he or she has to say before you respond, and then request that your ex let you finish, as well.

Giving Advice

Another way to block the communication process is by offering advice. When you become the adviser, the cooperative mood vanishes.

Sam was experiencing some sleep problems at home. His father, Steve, couldn't seem to get him to stay in bed at night until around eleven or twelve. He called his ex, Rachel, to see if she was experiencing the same difficulty on the nights Sam stayed with her.

"Rachel? It's Steve. I have a concern about Sam's sleeping habits and I wanted to ask you a question about it. I can't seem to get him to go to sleep until around midnight when he's here. I wondered if you were having a similar problem?" "What you have to do," Rachel sighed, "is be firm. A little firmness goes a long way."

"I am being firm," Steve retorted. "Well, clearly not firm enough. A boy needs a strong hand, especially from his father."

Steve's blood began to boil. "Are you accusing me of not being a good father? You're infuriating!" he yelled as he hung up the phone.

When Rachel responded to Steve's request for information by offering advice, she may have believed she was being helpful. After all, wasn't Steve asking for advice on getting their son to bed earlier in the evening? The problem is that we often give advice when we're simply being asked for information. To keep communication with your ex cooperative, it's best to determine what your ex wants before dropping your pearls of wisdom. Steve and Rachel would have been better off had she employed her active listening skills, then asked Steve if he wanted advice before giving it. She might have said something like, "It sounds like you're asking me what I would do, is that right?" He might then have responded with, "No, I just want to know if it's happening at your house as well."

Invalidating

Another effective communication block occurs when we invalidate another person's feelings or point of view. Everyone has, and is entitled to, her own opinions and feelings. By telling another person that her opinions or feelings are wrong, or even by implying that they're wrong, you invalidate what to her are legitimate concerns and are more likely to arouse her anger than her cooperation.

Josh's mother, Cheryl, called her ex because she was concerned about Josh using her ex's car during rush hour. She wanted to make the suggestion that Josh borrow the car only before five in the afternoon, when there wasn't much traffic, or after seven, when rush hour was over.

"Hank? It's Cheryl. Do you have a minute?" "Sure." "It's about Josh borrowing your car. I'm concerned about him driving in traffic..." "Cheryl, you're being ridiculous!" Hank interrupted. "Josh is a good driver, and he'll be fine." "Hank, I'm just trying to ask that you restrict his use of the car to non-rush hours." "Look, Cheryl, there's nothing to be concerned about. Don't you have better things to do than worry?"

Not only did Hank interrupt Cheryl, he also invalidated what to her was a legitimate concern. Here is a major breakdown in what could have been a cooperative communication between Josh's parents.

Doing the Box Step

Cooperative communication can be looked upon as a box step. Think of yourself as a partner in a dance. What you are doing is drawing a box on the floor by moving your feet in that direction.

1. Step back -- and assess the situation. You could, at this point, strike right back, but this action encourages retribution. Listen to understand, and remember that you don't have to make any decisions right this moment.
2. Step to the side -- your ex's side. See if there is anything on which you can agree. Look at what your ex's feelings, objectives, and motivation might be.
3. Step forward -- present your ideas clearly and concisely.
4. Step to the other side -- close your negotiation with a compromise.

Tim's mom was surprised when her ex called one day and began yelling. "You listen to me!" he said, "I am not going to have Tim riding a bike in the city! He's done fine up until now without a bike and I think it should stay that way." Remembering the box step of cooperative communication, she didn't engage right away in an argument she knew nothing about. Instead, Sarah stepped back and went into a listening mode. "I hear a lot of concern in your voice, George. What's going on?"

"Tim says you promised him a bike for his birthday, and I simply won't have it. It's far too dangerous to ride in the city!" Sarah then stepped to her ex's side, trying to hear it from his point of view and find something on which to agree. "I agree that it can be dangerous to ride on the streets." She then stepped forward and presented her plan. "I had thought that I'd buy him a bike only if we limited his riding to the park with a helmet to ensure his safety."

"Oh!" George seemed surprised, almost as if the wind had been knocked out of him. "I guess I didn't realize that."

Then Sarah stepped to the other side, closing the communication. "So can we agree that he can have a bike if he rides only in the park with a helmet?"

"Okay," George agreed, "and thanks." When Sarah engaged George with her newly learned cooperation skills, she was able to handle a situation that previously would have escalated into a fight.

Catch 'Em Doing It Right

One of the most powerful ways to engage another person in cooperation is to acknowledge and appreciate his efforts.

Very often we watch for and pick on the things a person does wrong, mistakenly believing that if we point out his mistakes, it will help the person change his behavior in the future. Unfortunately, this often makes the behavior worse, because soon the person realizes that you'll never acknowledge what he did right anyway, so he might as well do it wrong.

By watching for the things a person does right, however, and acknowledging those things, you increase the likelihood that the person will do things right in the future. Even if you believe that your ex never does anything right, you'll find that it will move you in a more cooperative direction, even if you only acknowledge his efforts: "I know how hard it is for you to get out of the office on time. I appreciate that you made this effort today, even if it didn't work out."

If You Lose it, Apologize

Working towards a cooperative relationship doesn't mean you'll achieve a perfect one. We're all human. Obviously, there will be times when you won't hold it together, when you'll lose your temper or composure in front of your ex. When this happens, apologize. It's not what you do, but what you do afterwards that counts. A simple "I'm sorry for calling you names" can go a long way. (This is an important point to remember when dealing with your kids, as well.)

Compromise

Finally, cooperating with your ex for the sake of your child means compromise. Many people look at each conversation with their ex as a miniature battle to be won. If you look at it this way, hanging on to your thoughts of revenge, setting out to hurt your opponent, wanting to come out of every conversation the victor, you might end up winning each battle, but rest assured you'll lose the war. Your children are at stake here, and if their happiness and self-esteem suffers in your battles -- which they most assuredly do -- you'll have lost much more than you ever realized.

When you give yourself permission to compromise, you give yourself and your children permission to be happy. You've worked hard to get where you are today. Being a single parent is not an easy job. Raising a child is not easy. Cooperating with your ex reflects your maturity, sensitivity, and personal growth and, ultimately, makes things easier for you.

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Rahul Kishore hands-on guide to dealing with delicate custody issues is specifically designed for divorced parents who have trouble communicating with each other, offering step-by-step techniques and scripts to help them cope with difficult situations.

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Reassuring Your Child

One of the most frightening feelings children have during divorce is uncertainty. They're unable to control lives that once felt fairly stable, and they're unable to make decisions that will affect their future. This article offers some strategies for alleviating a child's feelings of fear and insecurity.

During my divorce, my eight-year-old daughter and I talked a lot about what was going on. Often she would raise the same concerns over and over and listen to my reassurances again and again in an effort to feel secure. When so much seems to be crumbling, mere repetition can be reassuring. Of course not all children are talkers. Some children clam up and don't want to talk; they act out their fears instead, adding to the general stress and emotional chaos.

Exert your best efforts to be patient. Listen for the true concern beneath the questioning and negative behavior, recognizing that your child is really asking you to: "Tell me again that we're going to be all right. Show me that I matter." After listening to my daughter's questions and concerns, I wrote her the following letter. Perhaps your own adaptation of this letter could help you explain things to your child.

Dear Aimee, I know it's hard for you to have your mom and dad apart. Big changes like this can be scary. You might even feel all mixed up inside. I'm sorry that the divorce has caused you pain. I just have to tell you some things, and I hope you will listen.

Parents don't get divorced from each other easily. We thought a lot about this before we made the choice to get a divorce. Maybe one of us didn't even want to get a divorce, but sometimes when a choice is made by another person, we just have to go along with it. Sometimes we can't change other people's minds. We both knew it would be hard for you, but our problems with each other were big enough that it was too hard for us to live together anymore. We didn't want to have arguments and feel unhappy. Living apart from each other will help us, in time, to feel happier and more peaceful. And if we are happier and more peaceful, we will be happier people to be around.

We won't be happy right away, because it takes time to get there. Even though we made the choice to get a divorce, it still makes us both sad inside, just like it probably makes you sad. It's OK to feel sad and mad -- that's normal. Most families who have a divorce between the parents feel sad about it for a long time.

But many of these families start feeling better about things after time helps them get used to the big changes. One of the big changes for children is having two homes -- their mom's house and their dad's house. After spending time at both houses, you'll start feeling comfortable at both places. Aimee, some of the things children learn after their parents' divorce that you may want to think about are:

The divorce wasn't the children's fault. It didn't happen because they did something wrong, because they weren't good enough, because they fought with their brothers and sisters, because their report card wasn't as good as it could have been, because they got mad at someone, or because of anything they did at all.

The parents got a divorce because of problems between the two of them. It had nothing to do with the children.

Realizing this makes children feel better because many of them have spent a lot of time worrying about what they did to make the parents get a divorce. They have also spent a lot of time trying to think of ways to make their parents get back together again. Once they learn that they didn't do anything to make their parents get a divorce, they realize that there is nothing they can do to get them back together again. When they understand this, they quit worrying about adult things and are able to think about kid things again, like their friends, games, school, and birthdays.

Aimee, do you know that we're getting a divorce because of us and not because of you? We're getting a divorce because your dad and mom can't live happily together anymore. But we both still love you, and we always will.

It might be hard for us to show our happy feelings during these sad days, but that doesn't mean we love you any less. We love you more than any words can possibly show. And we both hope that you love us even more than that huge heart on top of the Empire State Building! Love, Mom and Dad.

More Reassurance

Divorce is a passage in your child's life when you need to find as many ways and occasions as you can to say, "I love you." Love is no longer something your daughter or son is taking for granted. Don't be afraid to be silly and expansive in your expressions of love to your child. When it comes to showing your love, the more the better.

Creating a Sense of Security

To help alleviate some of the frightening feelings and increase your child's sense of security, try to help your child feel as comfortable as possible in both homes. Surround her with familiar things. Keep everyday items available at both houses so the child doesn't have to be concerned about forgetting things. Here is a suggested list of supplies to help your child feel welcome in her second home:

• Age-appropriate toys or games, including puzzles, crayons, markers, paper, books, balls,
  stuffed animals, dolls, and sports equipment.
• Clothing, including underwear, socks, shoes, clothes, pajamas, and outfits for special occasions.
• Food, including fruits, vegetables, staples, easy-to-prepare meals, spaghetti, tacos, and soups. Also include emotional boosters like popcorn, snacks, and ice cream.
• Pet supplies, if necessary.
• Photos of all family members.
• Boxes or dressers for keeping the child's things.
• Toiletries, including toothbrush, hair-care items, deodorant, and other personal hygiene supplies.
• A calendar showing when the child will be at each home.

You can put some sense of control back into your child's life by allowing him to make small decisions whenever possible. Allow him to choose his own clothing to wear to the park, or the restaurant when you're eating out. These decisions are not major or life-changing, but will make a difference to the child who feels that his life is out of control. 

The Calendar Concept 

Keep the child informed about every aspect of his life. To demonstrate to children that you're in agreement concerning time sharing, both parents should keep identical calendars visible indicating which days the child will spend at which home throughout the month. To begin the "calendar concept" for young children, color code the square for Mom's days with her favorite color, and use Dad's favorite color on his days. A dotted line can be used for shared days. 

Both parents should agree to implement a daily routine of looking at the calendar with the child, and checking off the day that has passed, and noting when a change to the other parent's house will occur. Young children don't understand the concept of time, and will find it reassuring to "see" when they will be with each parent. 

For older children, place a "D" on the calendar for days the child will be with Dad, and an "M" on the days the child will spend with Mom. Both you and your children will appreciate the quick reference while making plans throughout the month. 

The Long-Distance Parent 

Divorce is hard enough under any circumstances, but it is of special concern when one parent must move to another city. The child not only loses the parent from the home, but must also cope with having him/her at a great physical distance. Here are some practical ideas for bridging the gap between parent and child over long distances. 

• Send letters, notes, and postcards often. Give the child a stack of stamped, self-addressed envelopes and ask him to write you back. One child sent her father an envelope full of New England color -- some fall leaves. It was a "wish you could be here" message that he'll never forget.
• Write a story for your child. Give the main character in the story the same name as the child. Make it an affectionate and bonding story that shows her how much you care for her.
• Record favorite songs. Sing songs that the child loves, or that you have enjoyed together in the past. Remember that your voice is an expression of you, even if it isn't opera quality, and that's what counts to your child.
• Record a message. Hearing your voice does more for your child than a hastily written letter.
• Videotape yourself reading bedtime stories. Your child can play this at bedtime and enjoy the closeness of your almost being there.
• Videotape your new surroundings. Your child needs to feel that he's still part of your life. Showing him your home and the sights around your new city will help to keep him close to you.
• Exchange photographs. Let the child know that you're interested in what she's doing.
• Give the child a memento of you -- something simple such as a tie-pin or some earrings. The child will remember you each time he looks at the memento. Being entrusted with something that's special to you will make him feel important.

Stepfamily Roles

In every family, people adjust to each other, and each takes on a certain role. But in stepfamilies, people sometimes fall into a role without considering whether it suits their needs or those of the family system.

There is nothing predestined about how we act in stepfamilies. Each family has its own ways of interacting and deciding who is going to play what role. Sometimes, a role dictates certain expectations, beliefs, and assumptions. It can be useful to examine these expectations to see if they're realistic - and to see if we want to continue playing by the role we've developed.

Many a stepparent has been accused of trying to take a parent's place in a child's life. Many a parent has been accused of not doing enough for her child. Many a husband or ex-husband has been accused of bowing out and letting the women deal with the conflicts.

If you find that you are often frustrated by your position in the family, or if you feel disrespected by how others in the family system behave in their roles, you can look at some of the common pitfalls of that role to see if yours needs to be adjusted. One study suggested that most family members are unclear about what role the stepparent should play in stepfamilies.

When you're thinking about the different roles, remember that you can ultimately only control what you do. You may be able to see very clearly how someone else should change, but you can only actually change how you behave. However, when you change the way you interact with people, usually, they'll eventually change the way they interact with you.

If you try to keep your emotions at a manageable level, you'll begin to see that there are not usually any clear-cut bad guys. Everyone is muddling along the best he or she can, doing what he or she believes is the right thing.

The Stepmom

Everyone knows the story of the evil stepmother: casting her stepdaughter aside in favor of her biological girls, or sending a woodsman out to kill the stepdaughter because she's the fairest in the land.

The fact is that stepmothers, like mothers, are mostly good to their stepchildren, mostly work very hard to do the right thing, mostly strive to be respectful of their stepchild's mother, and work hard to make their new family work.

Studies have shown that stepmothers have the most difficult position in a stepfamily system. These women come to a new marriage, some of them for the first time, some of them without children of their own, and they try to make a new family. Stepmoms often end up being the ones to organize the family's schedule, arrange vacations, do the clothes shopping, and tend to the cuts and scrapes.

The difficulties come on several fronts. Often, stepmothers end up feeling taken for granted by the husband and the child for the work they do. They feel like they're given a lot of the work of raising a child without any corresponding affection and acceptance. When the mother adds in her own unhappiness about the stepmother's involvement with the child, the stepmother often feels completely misunderstood and unappreciated.

Husbands, friends, relatives, and even the stepmother herself may expect that she jump right in and love the child as her own. The reality is that sometimes stepparents and stepchildren don't even like each other - but everyone still has to live together, so try to find some ways to make it through.

Stepmothering dos and don'ts

• Go slowly. Try to remember that no matter how much you think the child's parents are doing wrong, it is their way of doing things. Trying to come in and change the routines between the households might freak the child and the mother out. If you try to push a relationship on a child too quickly, some children recoil. Let the relationship develop over time.
• Respect the role of the mother. If you can, assure the mother of your stepchild that you're not going to try to be the child's mother. If this is not true, you need to reexamine your goals. Even if you believe that the mother is emotionally unbalanced, irresponsible, absent, or doing damage to the child, you must acknowledge the fact that she is this child's mother. Children love their moms; never undermine that love. If you want to volunteer at your stepchild's school, be sure you aren't stepping on the mother's toes. If you want to take your stepdaughter to get her ears pierced, check with her mom first.
• Support your husband. There are all kinds of ways to be involved in your stepchild's life behind the scenes. Supporting your husband without taking over all of his responsibilities is a workable balance. If you believe that your husband needs to make some adjustments with the other household, talk to him about it. Try to be encouraging and supportive. Remember, he was doing this (long) before you got here, so try to be respectful of the work he has done, even if you see room for improvement.
• Pay attention to what you need. If you find yourself terribly discouraged, spend some time taking care of yourself. Make sure you're not putting all of your energy into relationships with little or no payoff. I'm not suggesting that you isolate yourself from the family, but there is a healthy way to disengage from the struggles instead of letting them consume you. If you're concentrating on things that make you happy, you'll have more energy for the things that are tough. Take a class, pick up a hobby, start a book club or a dining-out club. Do something fun for yourself and don't feel guilty about it.
• Don't take over for your husband. Many stepmothers start by taking on too much of the load of caring for the child. Do you know the doctor's office number, but the child's dad doesn't? Do you know the child's teachers better than her dad does? Things are changing, but the current reality remains that women tend to most of the nitty-gritty details of running a house. So stepmothers, because they're women, fall into the traditional role of running the house, which includes taking care of the children. The problem is that most stepmoms begin to feel resentful about caring for their husband's child, especially when their husband complains about how she does it and the stepchild's mom wishes she would just knock it off. Far better to play a limited supporting role and let the father find out when his child's science-fair project is due.
• Don't expect your stepchild to be perfect. One area that stepmothers commonly feel frustrated about is the discipline or the habits of their stepchildren and the seeming lack of concern about these issues from the father. Sometimes, stepmothers who have no experience with children have definite - if unrealistic - ideas about what these children should look like and how they should behave. To make sure your expectations are realistic, check out some child-development books or take a parenting class.
• Don't ignore any grief you may have. This is especially true for stepmoms who were never married before and don't have children of their own. As much as stepmothers love their husbands, it may still be difficult to accept that their family will never be the first family, that they'll always have to share their family with their husband's and stepchild's history. When a stepmother and a father have their first baby together, it is not the first for him. If a stepmother has no children of her own, she may be grieving that. When the family has Thanksgiving dinner, it is automatically compared to how the first family did things. It is important, especially for the children, that this history is not outlawed in stepfamilies. But the stepmother might have to recognize that, even while being respectful of that history, it certainly is a loss not to have a family where the only traditions and memories are the ones created in their own home.
• Be clear about what you want. Don't expect that your husband will know what you need and attend to it. Half the time, most people can't figure out what they need themselves. Particularly in a stepfamily, you must be clear about what you want, and you must be clear with your husband about what you're asking for. You can't just expect that he'll know what's bothering you and fix it.

The Mom 

Some moms end up feeling pretty bruised by the whole stepfamily dynamic. Mothers choose the fathers of their children; now, another adult is becoming a part of the child's life and the mother had no say in picking this person. If the stepmother's values or habits don't seem to correspond well to the mother's, it can be dreadful to have to send her child to the other household.

Mothers are often amazed at the things that their ex-husband allows his new wife to do for their child. It is maddening to mothers that the father doesn't do more to care for his own child. Often, mothers blame the stepmother for forcing herself into the child's life.

There are plenty of mothers who handle the presence of another woman in their children's lives not only with acceptance, but with grace. Perhaps you can't do that at this point, but somewhere down the line, you may feel differently about your child's stepmother. In the meantime, work on being civil.

Mothering dos and don'ts 

• Recognize the power of traditional male/female roles. It may not be right, but the reality is that women still rule the home. If they think about it, most divorced mothers realize that their ex-husbands were not the ones to do the majority of the chores that involved the children. When men remarry, they commonly fall into the same role with their new wives. It is frustrating for mothers that the fathers of their children don't do more of the day-to-day work of rearing children. But if they didn't do it with you, they're not likely to just wake up one day and take on all the work of parenting if they can leave it to someone else. I'm not saying that this is conscious or even that men don't do a great deal of the work for their children, but it is common for stepmothers to try to help. Try to give the stepmom in your life the benefit of the doubt that she's not trying to take your place.
• Include the stepmother in parenting discussions. Every family has different ideas about how this works. In some families, particularly those with very active mothers and fathers, the stepparent really does take a back seat and the parents do their thing. Often, though, if a stepmother becomes a key player in a child's life, the parents should include her in decisions that greatly affect her life as well. Try to remember that while you're used to dealing with only the father of your child, the other household has turned into a "dad and stepmom" household. If you constantly leave out the stepmom, that sends a pretty clear message - not only to the stepmom, but to your child.
• Give your child permission to love her stepmom. One of the most difficult positions a child can be in is to really like - or even love - her stepmom, but know that her mother disapproves. On the other hand, your child may complain to you about her stepmom. She may not like her, or she may sense your disapproval and wants to assure you that she's on your side. Whatever the case, this child has a stepmom now and she's going to be a part of your child's life. A mother can do a lot to help her child with this new relationship. A child should never have to feel guilty about loving another person. Your child loving another adult does not take away any of the love she has for you. Make sure your child knows that you can handle it. If you can't, it may help to reexamine why this is so threatening to you.
• Expect changes. A mother will almost certainly notice changes in the relationship with her ex when a stepmother becomes involved. Maybe you used to talk frequently and hash things out with friendly conversations several times a week. Maybe you met over coffee. You might have felt you had a great parenting relationship with your ex, and then the stepmother came in and screwed it all up. Or maybe you fight constantly with your ex and the new stepmother will help ease some of the tension. Whatever the case, you can expect that your parenting relationship will change.
• Don't try to maintain your ex's allegiance. You and your ex are divorced. It may be tempting to flaunt your longer history in a stepmother's face, or to feel like you know him better than she ever will. It may be intriguing to hear your ex tell you about his frustrations with his new wife. But to what end? If you want to poison your ex's new marriage, this is a good way to do it. Be clear, even if your ex is not, that his allegiance should be to his child and his wife - not to his past. Don't call on former intimacies, don't fondly reminisce about old times, don't pull out inside jokes between the two of you. These kinds of things are a complete affront to the relationship between a husband and a wife. The stepmother and her husband are trying to build their own life together. If you can allow them the space and time to do that without becoming defensive about your relationship with your ex, it would be a gift - not only to their marriage, but to your kid.
• Do not minimize the child's time with his or her father. Mothers sometimes love their children so much that they believe that their relationship with their children is more important than the children's relationship with their father. But children adjust better to stepfamily life with unfettered access to both parents. It might be more practical at some point to have a primary home, but the child needs to feel free to see both parents. This can be difficult if a mother feels like she has to push for the father's involvement. But if men and women are going to be equal parenting partners, not only are fathers going to have to step up and do more, but mothers are going to have to make it easier for them to do that. If mothers want their child's father to act like a fully-invested parent, they have to treat the father like a fully-invested parent.

The Dad

Overall, men tend to be less emotionally troubled than women in stepfamilies, but there are several challenges that fathers face. The biggest area that men struggle with is how much involvement they will have in their child's life. This area is changing rapidly and it is becoming more common for men to have half-time or even full-time custody of their children.

Many men want to be involved parents, but they don't have a good role model for what that means. When a mother makes it difficult for a father to be involved, she may not know how to negotiate for a more equitable arrangement.

There are a growing number of men's support groups that help men not only with the legal and practical details of child custody, but also with the emotional tangle that sometimes comes with custody disputes. It can be distressing to feel dismissed as a parent simply because you are a man.

In addition to the potential for disputes between the two homes, dads often have to face conflict in their new stepfamily. Their wives may push for a change in the schedule, either for more or less time with the children. And when the children are with the father and the stepmom, the father may feel as if he's performing a tightrope act - treading carefully to avoid upsetting the fragile balance of peace between his child and his wife.

Fathering dos and don'ts

• Be clear about your expectations. What do you think your wife's role is when it comes to your children? Do you consider her another parent, a friend to the child, an adult role model? Fathers can help a stepmother clarify which child-related tasks he expects from her, and which he doesn't want help with. Your child and your ex-wife will also benefit from hearing how you envision your new wife's role.
• Step up to the work. Do not abdicate your child-raising responsibilities. Don't expect that your wife will just take care of things, and don't leave all the work for your child's mother either. While you were married, your child's mother may have gotten the soccer schedule, called the school for the events calendar, arranged parent/teacher conferences, and kept you apprised of the next piano recital. But you're not married to her anymore and now those are your responsibilities. For things that make more sense for one parent to handle, such as dentist and doctor appointments, don't assume that your child's mother will take care of them. If you want to be considered a fully-invested parent, you need to act like one.
• Support your wife. Your wife may have some trouble adjusting to her role as stepmother to your child. What you do has a major impact on her adjustment. Work with her to decide on what child care her role will include. Be clear with your child about your expectation of respect for the stepmom. Back her up in front of the child, even if you don't agree with her at the moment. You can come back later and talk about how you would like to handle such situations.
• The best way to support your wife is to support your kid; if you are an involved, active, and thoughtful parent, you ease the burden of the stepmother's role.
• Be mindful of the stepmother's contribution. Your wife signed on to a life with you and your children. But that doesn't mean that you should take the work she does for your child for granted. Be sure to let her know you appreciate her commitment to your child. When she's doing things you don't like with your child, remember that she's likely doing what she thinks is best. Try to respect her ideas and work together to find a parenting mix that works for both of you.
• Do not expect a stepmother to be a mother. In the beginning, the best a father can ask for is a mutually respectful atmosphere and an attempt to get along. It may happen that the stepmother and the child will grow to love each other. But it may not. Stepmothers need to be relieved of the duty to love your child. Your wife fell in love with you - not your child. Accept that and work within that reality.

The Stepfather

When it comes to relations between the two homes, the stepfather often emerges relatively unscathed. There seems to be very little of the conflict between stepfathers and fathers that is so common between mothers and stepmothers. Men just don't seem to have the same sense of turf protection when it comes to another man getting close to their child. A lot of times, fathers and stepfathers are friendly; even when that's not the case, men are more likely to be reserved in their comments and actions. Stepdads may believe that their stepchild's dad should be doing something differently, but stepfathers are also less likely to push for the change either directly or through their wives.

The biggest conflicts that stepfathers usually face are with their wives. There are often conflicts about discipline, about how much influence and what rank the stepfather should have in the household. Often, stepfathers believe that their wives are too lenient on the children, and stepfathers are often accused of being too harsh and of having unrealistic expectations of the stepchild.

• Go slowly. Give your stepchild and your wife a chance to adjust to your presence in their lives before you make any major demands about the way things are run. You may be anxious to show your commitment to the family, but try not to overwhelm people who are used to living in a single-parent household.
• Respect the role of the father. Your stepchild loves her father; respect the child's right to love and have a relationship with him. Stepfathers can have meaningful and strong relationships with their stepchildren, but they should never undermine a child's love for her father.
• Support your wife. You may not like everything that she does with her child, but your wife has been running things (long) before you got there, so respect the work she has done, even if you see room for improvement. If she is having a difficult time, try to empathize with her. She doesn't need you to fix everything for her, but she does need you to listen to her.
• Plan discipline before acting. Do not come in with a heavy hand and expect to be warmly welcomed. Discipline is a big issue for stepdads, but stepdads need to have a realistic idea about what to expect from children. Read some books, do some web-surfing, and talk to other dads. You can rely on your own instincts, but only to a point. If you have never had children and are suddenly living with one, even typical child behavior can be jarring. So find out what to expect. This is too important to just wing it.
• Don't avoid the problem. If you feel that things are very difficult and you're unhappy with the way your household is running, don't just sit on those feelings. Whatever the situation, ignoring it is not likely to make it easier or change it. In fact, some problems grow worse as they fester without resolution. Keep the communication open. If you don't feel that your wife or stepchild is hearing what you have to say, keep trying. Sometimes, we all need help talking to each other. Try not to wait until you're so angry that you don't know where to start.

The mother-stepmother divide

In a lot of stepfamilies, the most acrimonious relationship is that between the mother and the stepmother. The gulf can seem irreconcilable. But there are things you can do to mend the bridges and try to come to some kind of practical, workable way of raising the child together.

Here are some concrete things you can do to start the process. 

• Say something good about the other household. You may need to really stretch here, but find something good to say.
• Apologize for some small infraction. Go out of your way to apologize and acknowledge your fault.
• Let her know you want your relationship to be different. You could ask her out for coffee, you could write her a note. You could give her the book Stepwives: Ten Steps to Help Ex-wives and Stepmothers End the Struggle and Put the Children First.
• Own your own garbage and expect the fallout. There is probably not one of us who hasn't done something we regret in our relationship with our child's step/mom. Often, people who are apologizing and being vulnerable are met with graceful forgiveness, or at least cautious silence. But that is not always the case: you could end up hearing about even more of what you have done wrong. If you don't get defensive, it is still possible to save the conversation and move on.
• Have a plan for practical, respectful interaction. Stress the fact that you're not looking to be best buddies. But also have some idea of what you do want.
• Don't fall back on old patterns of interaction, even when she does. When she starts doing the same old thing, it may be tempting to respond in the same old way. Try to stop yourself and do something different.
• Don't expect change to happen overnight. There will be times when you or she or both of you fall back into sniping and complaining about each other. Cut her and yourself some slack; it will take a while to undo your old habits.
• Don't let problems fester; handle them. Don't expect her to read your mind. If something is bothering you, you either have to tell her about it and hope that she will accommodate you, or you have to blame yourself for not taking care of the problem.
• Don't expect perfect harmony. You will likely still get angry at her. Getting angry at people you have relationships with is part of the deal. You can still work with someone who makes you angry. And just because some things she does make you angry doesn't mean that everything she does is wrong.
• Don't shut the door to friendship. When they become real with each other, moms and stepmoms sometimes find out that they actually like each other. They not only form an alliance and work together for the sake of the children, but they become friends. This is a pretty rare circumstance and certainly not for everyone. But if it happens to you, consider yourself fortunate.

After The Loving: Post-Divorce Financial Planning

Often during the divorce process, clients rely on the attorney for guidance not only for legal issues but also for financial issues -- or need help in locating professional financial experts. You have helped your client get a fair financial settlement. Now the client must become financially independent.

Some of the financial issues that may arise include:

Standard of Living

• Based on the spending habits of the client, will he/she be able to live within the confines of his/her income and the awarded alimony and/or child support as well as other income?
  
• Does the client understand the importance of budgeting?

Retirement Planning

• Will the client's retirement assets support him/her through the retirement years?
  
• Do the beneficiary designations need to be changed on IRA's and other retirement accounts?
  
• Does the client know to change his/her name, if applicable, on their social security card?

Estate Planning

• In most instances, it will be desirable to amend wills to remove the former spouse as a beneficiary.
  
• Trusts may have to be set up for children to prevent potential control of assets by the former spouse or a new spouse.

Insurance Planning

• Life Insurance
• Is there an agreed amount of life insurance that the parties must have on one or each other's life?
• What controls are in place to verify the coverage is maintained?
• Will it be sufficient or should additional insurance be purchased?
• Do the current beneficiary designations still apply?
  
• Health Insurance
• If the former spouse will no longer cover the client's health insurance, what options are available for the client to get new coverage?
  
• Other Insurance
• Should the client get disability insurance or long-term care insurance?

College planning for children

• Incorporated into the settlement, is there a requirement that the former spouse either completely pay for or contribute to the cost of the children's college tuition, room and board?
  
• If so, what controls are there to insure that there is an investment program in place? Will that be sufficient to pay for tuition, room and board and should additional funds be set aside for college?